So, kind of odd this weekend...

I went down to Providence, RI to sing at their Waterfire event. Basically, they have these bonfires in the river and for this particular night, they station sopranos (and this year, mezzos) in spots along the river, pump in karaoke tracks of some famous arias and duets, and we sing live from there. It's about 2 hours and then we go back to a central stage to each sing an aria of our choice in a final concert.

Anyways, after the first or second aria, I was sitting and waiting until it was my turn to sing next when I had someone who was in the 'audience' get my attention. She said that she was a nurse and asked if I was a 'survivor'. I was rather surprised, but I answered 'Yes, I am'. She said that she had noticed my port (my dress showed it) and had a 2 year old with a portocath right now. I asked her to send my good thoughts to the 2 year old and she said she would...and that I looked and sounded great and 'congratulations'.

Then, today at the Longwood 'Patience' sing, we were packing up and one older woman came up to me and asked, 'May I ask you a question? I guess it's kind of personal, but are you a survivor? I noticed the haircut and I had to ask'. I said that yes, I was. She told me that she had been a survivor since 1982 (and she was 82 years old). We talked a little bit and I wished her well and she wished me well.

At the Waterfire concert I caught up with another singer from an earlier program and she asked about the hair...so I told her as well. We talked a bit and she asked me 'So, are you happy it's over? How do you feel about it?' and I said, after a little bit of thought, 'You know what? I've got this fear now that I'm always going to have to live with. I'm scared that it's going to come back.'

As I think about it and as I see things like Jewel's song on the Emmy Awards (which just played), I don't want to be the one who loses that fight. Every time I feel a twinge, I wonder 'Uh-oh...do I need to be worried?'. I think about it at least once every day. I really kind of hate that I'm going to have to live with this for the rest of my life...which I hope to be a long, full, rich one. I know that we did this just to be sure; when I had my follow-up appointment a few weeks ago with the oncologist, she reiterated that there was no cancer when we started the chemotherapy so technically, I didn't have it any longer and I hadn't since the lumpectomy. She also seemed very positive that it would stay away, but I really hate that it will always be in my mind and always affecting me and causing fear. I can try to hide the fear. I can try to squelch it. But I don't know if it will ever go away.

See, this is why I didn't broadcast this!!!

So, at the Longwood G&S rehearsal on Sunday, the same pianist who made the rude remark the previous Wednesday was there again. I was there first (as I had the key to let people in) and when they saw me, the coordinator of the evening (who did not know and had not seen me since I stopped wearing the wig) said 'Oh! Your hair shrunk!' which was fine. I just smiled. Then the pianist went up to her, as smug as can be and thinking he was oh, so clever, and started regaling what he had asked me a few nights ago.

I wasn't going to let anything like that go again so I marched right up to them and said, 'Actually, I had 4 months of chemotherapy and this is my hair growing back.' It shut them up but good!

Of course, now the coordinator has gone and blabbed it about. I got a Facebook message from an acquaintance who said 'Oh, X told Y and then Y told me about this...yadda yadda yadda'. UGH!

I don't know whether it's too late to email the coordinator and say 'Look. Stop talking about me. This is my news, not your's'. I think it's already been blabbed all over.

I have no words...

I went to sing a concert last night with many people who had not seen the short hair yet. One of whom was the pianist whom I have known for a few years now. I knew that he was socially awkward but this just kind of had me flabbergasted.

He came up to me and said 'I hope that your haircut is an homage to the weather and not a change in your orientation.'


I'm sorry, what??

I think I stared at him in disbelief for a moment before I simply said, 'My orientation has not changed.'

Really? I mean, REALLY??? I should have said 'Actually, it's an homage to cancer, you jackass'.

If he says something to me about it again, I will most likely let him have it.

I cannot believe anyone would be so rude! Not only is it an awful thing to say, implying that it doesn't look nice, but my orientation is none of his business!

I must have gotten half a dozen compliments on my hair when I was in Richmond this past weekend -- from people I didn't even know! And then this schmuck comes around and tells me that I'm looking like some stereotype of a lesbian as if that's a bad thing.

What a complete and utter jerk.

I'm all faklempt!

So, first of all, it was so amazing to see so many of my friends out at Firefly's on Sunday. It meant so much to have everyone there and to know that we were all celebrating the end of this. I did tear up a few times and I had a lovely evening. I hope everyone did too! For those of you who couldn't make it, I know that you were definitely there in spirit! We had 31 adults and 4 kids -- and we had an entire section of the restaurant! Our server was fantastic and the food was very yummy!

I debuted my new super-short 'do that night and it seemed to go over well. The next day though, I got greeted by, 'Hi there, Butch!' at a rehearsal (from someone who didn't know) but knowing the guy I knew he had a strange sense of humor and I just brushed it aside. After all, I was wearing very girly clothes and knew that I was nowhere near being 'butch'. I did have more people (mostly women) coming up to me saying that they thought it was fantastic. I got asked 'why the change?' and didn't feel like lying, so I told them what had gone on in the previous months. They were all amazingly supportive.

The next night, at the concert, I had more questions of 'Why did you cut off your luscious, curly hair??' from fellow singers and I told them why. They then insisted that the hair looked great -- in fact, the same guy who called me 'Butch' said that it was 'really very sexy'. So I'm both Butch AND Sexy! I had a few other singers saying 'I heard indirectly about what you were going through' (from whom???) and 'I'm so glad you're doing well...you look/sound great' which was odd, but I guess that news will spread no matter what we do. I just didn't want to make a Facebook announcement or anything like that.

On Wednesday at the knitting group, one of the 'regulars' brought a friend who seemed very nice and friendly. Another regular, as I was leaving, commented on my hair, saying that she 'loved it' and the newcomer said 'I do too! It's so edgy! I want to cut my hair that short...is your work ok with it?' and I simply said 'They have no choice,' and told her why it was so short. We then got into a brief discussion about how and why our hair texture can change and I said mine is too short to tell, but I'm really hoping for more curls.

I haven't had any auditions yet, but I found it rather interesting that all of the auditions I did with my wig did not result in a casting. Coincidence? Possibly. A few of those were longshots, but still. Very interesting.


Edited to add pictures!!!

Warning: Girly stuff below!

I AM NOT MENOPAUSAL!!!

I was feeling a little crampy and lo and behold...my period began! The first since the beginning of February!

I have never been so happy to get my period.

DONE!!!

No more Radiation for me!!! I have not yet exhibited any superpowers, which is rather sad considering all the radiation I have been blasted with in the last 2 months.

Now I just have the herceptin infusions ever 3 weeks, which are annoying, but tolerable since it's only once or twice a month.

I was given a book recommendation to read (they give it to all of them) but I don't really know that I'm going to get a feeling of being 'let down' now that all of this crap is over. It's not like it's been the only thing going on in my life -- not by a longshot! I'm really glad that I don't need to deal with it anymore and can really turn my attention on to other things...which doesn't sound like a let-down to me! More like a return to normalcy!!

Only two more Radiation Treatments!

And then I'm done!! Hooooorrraaayyy!!!

There is going to be a celebratory party at Firefly's in Framingham (235 Old Connecticut Path, Framingham, MA) at 6pm on Sunday, July 18th. If I haven't already tagged you on Facebook, consider yourself invited (only please RSVP so I can make reservations).

The issue with the voice recorder may have been worked out. I had some people listen to it and they thought that the recording was TOO CLOSE!! So the documentation for it LIED!!! I recorded Tuesday's Longwood Concert from the balcony and I like it so much better! I don't even need to add in reverb. So that's a relief!

I had my last appointment with my Radiation Oncologist (until June 2011) on Wednesday and we were talking about what will happen next and all sorts of things. She looked through my notes and said (I'm paraphrasing some of this):

'We don't like to use the term 'cured' because, well, we never know what might happen down the road. But you should consider yourself cured.'

I think I almost lost it right then and there! I did call my mom, dad, and sisters, so I think there's going to be a lot of celebrating going on.

I still have to decide (fairly soonish) where I want to go on a Dad-sponsored vacation with him and my sisters. One sister wants the beach/someplace warm. The other sister wants snow-activites, but not in a place we've been before. I don't really know what I want! I'd love to go skiing because I don't often get to go, but the idea of going someplace warmer in January/February is also very appealing. So many choices!

In a bad mood.

Part of the reason for this is that I am exhausted.

Another part is that it's really, REALLY hot out and I have no AC.

Yet another is that I am sitting at the Reception desk at work when I have work that I need to get done.

Probably the main reason right now though, is the fact that I'm being very vain...when I know that I shouldn't be. Yet, I am.

I'm doing summer concerts all summer...sometimes two in one week. Many of the locations do not have AC. This means that it's really very hot and stuffy. It also means that wearing my wig makes me even hotter.

Sure, I could go out without my wig. The hair isn't very long yet, but it covers my scalp. However, it doesn't look like a haircut. It LOOKS like I lost my hair and I don't like it.

I'm one week from being done with Radiation, but I don't seem to have enough hair for me to want to go out without some sort of head-covering. Why? I guess I don't want the stares. I guess I'm feeling self-conscious about it. I AM A STRONG WOMAN, DAMMIT!!! I shouldn't have to be shrinking back and nervous about vanity, yet I am.

I have a date this weekend...unless this one cancels on me too. It's supposed to be hot. It means that I either have to wear the wig and be extra hot or explain to him before we even meet face-to-face for the first time that 'By the way, I have short hair now. Really Short. I bet it's shorter than your's'.

It doesn't make me feel pretty. I know that the only person I need to feel pretty for is myself, but when one is single and hopeful, it's really hard to stay firm with that. If I already had a significant other who I knew wouldn't run at the sight of me, I'd probably feel different. But being single and sort of looking...and being a soprano trying to expand her career, the fact that I'm afraid of what people are going to think of my LOOKS is a real consideration. As it is, I feel weird sending out my headshot to places because I know my hair won't get back to that length for a couple of years. I'm afraid that when I walk out onto that stage for the first time this summer without my wig, there will be points and stares and whispers; that when I walk out for an audition without my wig, they'll whisper about my looks and not even listen to my voice or consider my acting...and then they'll not even consider me because my headshot is not an 'accurate representation'.

I didn't want to get interim headshots...I can't even do that for another few months when the hair is in more.

I hate feeling this vain and concerned about what other people think. I should be stronger than that, but it's been frustrating the hell out of me.

Edited to Add: Another reason why I'm in a bad mood -- the brand new voice recorder I got works great! However, the voice that comes out of it is not a voice that I like. I've tried it up close, I've tried it further back. The voice just doesn't sound pretty to me. It sounds...cool. Not at all warm. Not at all beautiful. Maybe I need to just deal and come to terms with the fact that I don't have a beautiful voice. The problem then comes in that people don't hire 'interesting' or 'cool' voices. They hire 'beautiful' and 'luscious' voices.

It's times like these that I get scared.

I met a woman the other day who is getting radiation around the same time that I am. She has very little hair, so I assumed that she was in for much the same thing. However, after we introduced ourselves, I found out that she would be done next week. Finally, today, she told me a bit of her story and frankly, it has me a little scared:

11 years ago (this woman may be in her 40's-early 50's, I would think? Maybe a little younger? I'm so bad with age) she was diagnosed with ER+ Breast cancer. Aggressive chemo and such were done and she was in remission for almost 5 years until she got ovarian cancer. She was tested and did not have the BRAC2 or BRAC3 gene and it ran more on her father's side of the family than on her mother's. I believe she said she had a hysterectomy. Then, last June, they were doing routine blood work only to find that she had no platelets. She came back in and they found more breast cancer, this time Her2+ (like mine). They stuck her on Herceptin which apparently worked beautifully for the tumor in what was left of her breast (or maybe she had the mastectomy after that?) but she is now doing radiation because of a tumor in her brain! Herceptin doesn't reach the brain!

This is a very lovely woman and I really hope that she makes it through all of this. But it has me kind of scared again. I don't want a tumor in my brain! How do they find out these things? I have a few questions to ask Beth (the Social Worker) about what happens once Radiation is done so I think I'll have to ask her this too.

Scary. Very scary. I want to get something for this woman for her last day of treatment (which is next week).

ETA: We are now 7 days/treatments (business days) from being done with Radiation! The last one is scheduled for July 12th. Today, they went from zapping the entire breast to zapping only the area where the scar (and bruising underneath) is, which seems like it's a huge chunk, but apparently it's rather small compared to others. Yikes! So far so good...aside from a little bit of shrinkage and a lot of tanning.

Show count since Diagnosis...

...and since I started treatment.

February 2010 -- Fiordiligi in Cosi fan tutte
April/May 2010 -- Ensemble in The Scarlet Pimpernel
May 2010 -- Voice of Dance Concert
June 2010 -- Woglinde/Wood Bird/Gutrune in Tales from Der Ring des Nibelungen
June 2010 -- Donna Anna in Don Giovanni

Ok, so it hasn't been as long as I thought since I posted...

...so, good! It's not every day or so like before, but this is a far less changeable time with how I'm feeling. There seem to be less physical issues now but a few have still lingered.

For example, on Sunday, Ed and I walked around Boston and went to the SOWA Market (South End Open Markets...if you haven't been, GO!!). First, we went to Flour bakery, which, wow...so good! (I did get a sticky sticky bun which I ate the next day. Sinful.) We then went to the market area which was a walk and a T-ride away. About half-way through the market, I began feeling kind of light-headed. It was hot and even though I had been drinking water, I really began to feel it. We made our way to the Farmer's Market on the other side where we got the biggest cups of Limeade EVER and sat, in the shade, for a bit. The limeade helped a lot -- maybe it was the citrus or the sugar or just more hydration, but I felt like I could continue after a bit.

The thing is, I sort of felt that again yesterday when I was stuck in traffic. It was hot, I had water, but I was afraid that I might pass out. When we finally started moving I felt better, but I was concerned for a bit. I wonder what that was? I wonder if that's part of the Herceptin stuff? Or just still my energy levels getting back to normal? Or maybe it's just hot and stuffy and it sucks?

Radiation is over half-way done! I have another 11 sessions before I am DONE!! So far, so good *knock wood*. I've been feeling a lot more like 'myself' of late, which is really, really good. My hair is growing back although I really want it to be longer right now so that I still don't look so bald. My eyebrows are growing back and need to start getting some shaping done to them.

I could probably think about more to type, but I'll leave it at this for now. :)

Nearing the Natalie Portman/Sinead O'Connor hair-length..

...if it can be called that. It's not enough for me to go without a head covering yet, but it's getting there. My eyebrows are definitely coming in and they will need to be waxed and shaped fairly soonish. My eyelashes are also coming in even though I'm told that they may fall out again. Grr.

Hot flashes are still present...kind of sucks. I'm ready for those to end!

That's the update :).

Probably shouldn't have Googled myself.

I found a review of 'Cosi' that I didn't know was floating about there. The reviewer not only completely hated my makeup (saying I had the pallor of a cadaver), but they also said that my voice was shrill.

Gee, thanks a lot. I am so tempted to email the reviewer and say 'Ok, yeah. I was pale because I WAS GOING TO THROUGH FREAKING CHEMOTHERAPY!!!'

Shrill? SHRILL?!?!?!? Ok, maybe they came on an off night...I did have a couple of issues in two of the performances, but shrill? The MD would have told me if I was shrill, I would think.

Maybe this person just doesn't really like higher soprano voices? I try to be very aware of if my voice comes across as shrill or screamy -- in fact, I've sought reassurance and assistance from my 'team' whenever I've been concerned about it.

That just pisses me off. It would have been nice to have had a good review floating about of that. I felt I sang well the opening and closing night...the middle two had some issues.

I know it's just one person's opinion, but ugh.

Houston...we have peach fuzz!

There is definitely 'peach fuzz' on my head now. I can even see it sticking up a little from my scalp if I look close enough. Huzzah! I also have '5 o'clock' shadow on my eyebrows, showing just how much eyebrow I actually lost! I am also, if I look closely, seeing the beginnings of more eyelashes, so yay! There is hope!

I took my wig to the salon on Saturday and they put a gloss on it to refresh the color and then washed it (and showed me how they washed it to keep the curl in). I was missing only one step!! Both Pat and Ed (who was hanging out with me) said that they could see that my hair was starting to come back in. It's like Sarah said, I guess, that it's almost like it's growing in overnight!

Things are going well so far...on Friday, I will be half-way done with Radiation (mostly. Or maybe it's Monday?). Energy-wise, I do feel much more myself and I seem to be doing ok on the vocal stamina front. Now, if I can just clean my apartment (I worked on it some last night) and go to bed at a decent hour, things should be much better!

6 months from Diagnosis...

Today was 6 months from my diagnosis and I sang a freaking WAGNER concert tonight!!! I have to admit, I'm very pleased. I saw Sarah today (it was her last day of Radiation...go Sarah!!) and she had hair! So, in a month from now, if she is any indication, I'll have hair too!

I got an echocardiogram today to check on how my heart was doing on Herceptin. The technician said it looked good and like last time (which also got a thumbs-up)...so let's hope it stays that way!

I'm also thinking about getting one of theseshirts.

6 month check-in.

It is six months ago from today that I had my first Ultrasound and Mammogram and the whole snowball began avalanching...or something like that.

I got there at 8am in the hopes that I could be seen earlier (as my appointment was scheduled originally at 1pm). I didn't get out until 10:30am, but that was after the mammogram on the right breast and my usual, daily dose of radiation.

The doctor took me into an ultrasound room to talk to me once they read the mammogram. He said that he didn't want to talk in the hallway where everyone could here. He then went on to say that the calcifications that were there before had remained unchanged...they were still there, but they hadn't changed in the last 6 months and some, of course, were gone with the lumpectomy. He gave me a sheet of paper that said it was 'Probably benign' (he did say that they were pretty certain that it was benign) and that they will look at it again in 6 months.

Hooray! So much better than the 'Abnormal' I got last time!

The Radiation has begun.

Too bad I won't get Spider-Man or Hulk powers...although come to think of it, I've never been a hug fan of the Hulk. I've always been more of a DC gal, but I don't know if there are any irradiated Superheroes in DC...besides Firestorm and Captain Atom.

Geekery aside, Monday was the 'dry run' for the radiation where they lined me up just right and took x-ray pictures. I also met with the nurses who gave me a list of what skincare things I could and could not use. Yesterday was the official start and I go in, change into a 'johnny' top, go to the room where they make sure I'm all lined up and then wait while these red lights buzz a few times. Then, I'm done. I guess those are the lasers...I'm not allowed to move so I can't really look. Then I change and go on with my day!

Today was a little different in that the machine was being persnickety and they had to postpone my appointment by about 20 minutes. I then had to wait to see the Radiation Oncologist who showed me the x-ray pictures and re-explained what they were doing, looked at my skin, asked about my fatigue (it's morning...what do they want????) and...that's about it!

This will continue every weekday until July 12th barring any interruptions. My regular appointments are at 8:30am so I can then get right to work. I am told to expect a tan/sunburn line and maybe some sensitivity. It's too early to tell, but I'm using approved skin-care things already to try and beat it to the punch.

That's sort of that. I doubt I'll be posting every day with this because...same deal for 6 weeks.

I can't tell if I'm imagining things, but...

...I feel stubble. Sadly, not on my head, but on my legs. Maybe?

I think I figured something out.

I’m just putting a lot on these auditions because I think I need to prove something to myself in that I can still be hired despite wearing a wig and going through all of this mess.

I'm told I'm singing well. I can coachings when I was out of breath after each aria and I was still told I sounded great...and these people would tell me if I didn't, regardless. I don't feel that I look great, but I look fairly svelte, so that's not too bad.

Thus far, the only thing I've been asked/hired to do while dealing with this has been through people who know what is going on. I'm still waiting to hear back from one other group, but I have to wonder, with those who haven't cast me, if it -is- some sort of 'looks' thing...and if it is, is it because of the wig? Or do they just not want someone who looks like I do in general?

Sometimes I wish I could read minds.

First trip alone...

Yesterday was my first trip to the Chemo suites alone as it was time for the first of my 'every 3 week' Herceptin treatment. Aside from not bleeding like I should, according to the nurses, it went fine. I brought my book and it went fairly quickly in comparison to all of the other times I had been there. I was only there for less than an hour and a half but that was because they gave me about 40 minutes worth of Herceptin. When I come back, apparently I will get 30 minutes worth.

I had an audition last night as well; was one of many sopranos (and mezzos) auditioning for a lead role in a musical. The thing is, I noticed that I was putting a lot on this (and some previous) auditions. Now, I learned long ago to go in, do my thing, and deal with the results, whether they be good or bad, but I think my faith and self-esteem has been shaken lately. One is most definitely the physical aspect of all that's been going on the last 4 months. Another is, I think I want to be sure that I can still do this...that all of this crap hasn't affected my singing and my performing. The third is basically me not understanding why some people are consistently cast when their singing is inconsistent and inaccurate. However, I'm trying to work through that last one because I cannot control how people cast and I really shouldn't complain as I've had a pretty spectacular singing year thus far in at least two 'Bread and Butter' roles that I hope to be singing for years to come.

One of my coaches recommended that I save up to do the NYIOPs (Big, expensive, House auditions) in the Fall. I may try and do that...while I'm not entirely sure I like the reality of them (they remind me of the New England Theatre Conference auditions I did once...didn't get a single callback), the idea of them is good and maybe something will come out of it. It's a chance to sing for different people, which is a good thing, and it's a chance to sing in front of people who don't give a damn that I'm over 30.

But I'm also beginning to wonder what to do about presenting myself in auditions for the next year or so until my hair grows back out...or what if I decide to keep it short? I'll then need new headshots...another expense I didn't really need. I don't know if I'm going to want to keep my hair short or what yet as I'm still waiting for signs that it's going to start growing back! I know that it takes time, but now that the chemotherapy is done, I want my life back (and that includes my hair!)

Almost time to start glowing in the dark...

Today was my first visit to get set up for the Radiation portion of this trip which is to begin on the 24th. I did briefly see the Radiation Oncologist who was just as cheerful and friendly as before, and talked a bit more with the nurse and technician who were there. I got to put on a 'johnny' and go to a CT Scan room where I got to have a CT scan...which I like much better than a MRI, by the way. After they did what they needed to do, they gave me tattoos.

Yes, tattoos. 4 dots about the size of small freckles. AND THEY HURT!!! I don't know how people can get all those fancy tattoos if those 4 hurt as much as they did!

The Dr. did say that my scar was more faded than many she had seen (I've been using Mederma on it) which was good.

I still feel that I look weird, but I was stopping by a yarn shop last night to look for black yarn and she said (she knows what's going on) that I looked good and that I looked like 'myself' which did surprise me as I don't think that I do yet. It was very nice of her to say so though.

So, next appointment is on the 24th for the 'dress rehearsal' and then the radiation begins the next day at 8:30am.

So, I feel a little better today...

...because even as depressed as I was yesterday at work (I was fighting tears for a few hours there), I went to practice. It sort of felt like that moment in 'Center Stage' where Donna Murphy is telling Zoe Saldana that (and I'm paraphrasing here, I'm sure) 'Even if nothing is working right, you return here...' [to the ballet barre]. It's going back 'home' so to speak. So I sort of did that in going to practice.

What ultimately cheered me up was the fact that I got through 4 arias and 2 broadway songs without getting tired! It's the first time that has happened in months! Probably since Cosi at least!

So, there is some progress with healing! It may not be physical on the outside, but at least there is evidence that something is going on...something good *knock wood*!!

I also figured out why my wig is bugging me. I don't like having hair in my face so I pull it back. I always have. I usually pull it back behind my ears somehow, but with the wig, I can't because then you see bald patches by my ears and temples. I've tried pulling it back on the sides and on top (in a slight 'Snookie Poof', as Merri called it) and it's ok, but I still don't like these 'Cocker Spaniel' ears hanging down in FRONT of my ears.

I may need to fix it so that I can do the bang-like thing again and wear the hair down because it's just sort of pissing me off. I don't know if a headband would work either, but I may try that too. I don't want to get another wig since it seems like a waste of money at this point. I may try and take apart my Theatrical Wig (it was done up again for 'Pimpernel') and see if I can do anything with that too. I did manage to get the glue off of my MAC eyelashes and just need an eyelash curler to set them right again, I think.

On a cuter note, Chachi woke me up this morning by climbing onto my back and falling asleep with his head on my shoulder. This cat can get into so much trouble, but when he does stuff like that, I just melt! Jack is the same way...he can be a little brat but when he crawls onto me and just purrs until he falls asleep, I can forgive him anything! I'm such a sucker!

I WANT MY HAIR BACK!!!!!!!!!

I WANT TO FEEL PRETTY AGAIN!!!!!!!


That is all.

Posting may be spread out a little...

...as I don't think I need to report the radiation stuff every day for the next 6-7 weeks. I have my first appointment to sort of get things set up and all on Friday and then we officially start on the 24th. I also have to go back for more Herceptin on the 17th, but aside from that being a rather busy day, it shouldn't be too bad, I'm hoping. I have an appointment for an Echocardiogram (I will need them every few months) on June 4th.

I'm ready now for my stamina to come back. I won't lie -- this weekend was tough. Friday, I went back to work and then managed to do a show that evening. I don't know how I got out of bed on Saturday to run the errands I needed to run, but I did and managed, without a nap, to do a show that evening. I didn't get to bed that night until around 3am and somehow tried to wake up at 6:15am. I forced myself to go back to sleep until 11:30am or so, but then I had to get up and go to another rehearsal! Talk about a tiring weekend!

I'm ready now, though, for my stamina to start coming back. I know it's going to be gradual and I am VERY happy that it won't take a dive again in another week. I think that it may be like the oncologist said; when my body realizes that it can start healing when I don't get another chemo dose, then things will start coming back. I think it may need to realize that.

Singing the Wagner was tough yesterday. I won't lie. I was exhausted. Part of that was, I think, the weekend, and part was just general fatigue. It's not all that much singing in the grand scheme of things and I think I'll be fine. I also think I'll be fine for 'Don Giovanni' in another month and a half. I just need to get my stamina back.

The last of the side-effects...

...I hope!

I had some tummy issues all last night/early this morning which was not fun, but I think it was a combo of the chemicals and all the junk I stuffed my face with. I did have Eggs Benedict and it was DELICIOUS!! I can have champagne again, but sushi needs to wait another 6 weeks. Did I say that already?

I've been kind of achy today, but it is so much more tolerable than it was last week with the shot. I'm still not thrilled about it, but I can get through this. It may mean that tomorrow I'm still a little under the weather for the show but I'll be ok. It's the last time, right?

Everyone's been saying that the fatigue from the radiation is going to be killer, but that's actually not what the oncologist said and I prefer to believe her. I know that I'll have a higher energy level going in so the fatigue won't be as bad. I think I'm repeating myself at this point, but maybe I need to just repeat it to myself.

Oh, another side-effect that I've sort of felt over the last two treatments especially is the neuropathy in my fingers and toes. It's just a little tingling in my fingers and toes and it usually goes away...I can definitely feel it when I'm knitting though. Weird.

And Chemo is done!!!

Today was the last treatment! My dad flew in last night and will be staying until Wednesday evening. He was very good today -- I knitted and chatted, he read and called clients on his phone. It was the shortest treatment of this second round and I start the Herceptin only on 5/17. Radiation starts 5/24.

I talked to the nurse (who loved her card and her hat) about the potential 'issue' and that the oncologist never got back to me and she was rather appalled. I also talked to the social worker about it and she said 'That's really unlike her' but she sounded like she might be saying something about it to the oncologist. She also gave me her post-chemo talk which was basically 'You will probably feel a let down after all of this since it's a routine that you've gotten used to and you won't feel that you're being doted on.' I then asked, 'So...is it sort of like a post-show letdown?' and she said 'Yes, it's probably very similar to that.' It makes me think I'll be able to handle it. The oncologist FINALLY came by about 20 minutes before I was done and finally answered my questions! She said to watch the side-effect and if it wasn't gone by June, then I would need to get it checked out. She also said I should have a full head of hair in about 3 months and that my body will be expecting a chemo treatment in two weeks and it may take a few more weeks for it to realize that it can heal and not have another treatment to bring it down.

I don't have to take the Nulasta this time, thank goodness, as that mixed with the taxol made the aches pretty horrible. My numbers were all up, so yay?

I thought that I might be so relieved that I would cry once it was done, but now I think I feel relieved and ready to get back to my life. Maybe I'll cry later, but right now, I want to just get it behind me. I'm glad my dad is here with me though.

Even my coach noticed...

...that I had lost weight. It doesn't sound like much, but I guess on someone who is small-framed and 5'2" 3-5 lbs makes a big difference. I've noticed it my clothes most definitely as nothing fits well but apparently my coach also noticed last night. Not only was the weight off of my body, but apparently there was some weight off of my voice as well. I don't quite know how I feel about that.

I brought in an aria from an upcoming audition...an aria that I hadn't really worked on since Grad school. We worked on it a bit, mostly correcting a couple of notes that were learned wrong and focusing on some stylistic things, but he did say to me something along the lines of, 'I'm impressed that your voice is moving so fast in this...it's lighter because you're lighter' and 'Don't expect this lighter coloratura to last once you gain your weight back'. I don't think that he was implying that I was heavy before in the least (I was still a size 4. I don't think in any world that is considered 'heavy') but I'm really surprised that those few pounds made such a difference vocally.

He did say that I was singing very well and with all that's been going on with my health and energy, the fact that I AM still singing well attests to the fact that I 'really know how to sing'. Finally...although I wished I knew this a few years earlier when I was of the age to be doing some of these programs! Oh well...there's a reason, I'm sure. Hearing from him that he thinks that I 'really know how to sing' does mean a lot, actually. I told him that I felt that doing Cosi was great for me vocally because I really had to figure out my instrument and use it to its fullest. It was also great for my morale!

It's going to be interesting to see what happens over the next few months once things start getting back to 'normal' post-chemo. I wonder how long it'll take for me to gain that weight back? If I keep eating like I do now, it might not be long.

On another side-effects note, the pain is almost gone. I just have the occasional 'twinges' here and there. I think I'm also feeling some of the neuropathy in my fingers and toes that is another typical side effect. My fingers and toes feel a little tingly (which was how they described it) which is a rather odd feeling. Hopefully that will go away soon as well.

The show must go on...

...even though I'm in a great deal of pain. Thanks to this last treatment and the re-addition of the Nulasta, I have been in a state of near-constant discomfort and pain for the last two days. I managed opening night and tonight ok, but I basically had no energy except for when I was on stage, I'm hoping I will be feeling much better tomorrow and I can deal with this one more time, right?

I did go out today -- went to get lunch at a burger place and then got cupcakes (where they were filming an episode of something for the Food Network! Woot!) before I came home and napped for an hour and a half.

I have to say, having a larger role right now would be really difficult to get through. I'm kind of glad that I had low responsibility for this show right now...even though it's not always been the case :). But it was these days that I was thinking of when I accepted the role.

Show Wig update...

Thank you everyone for your supportive words regarding the Wig Debacle of April, 2010. After talking with my wig buddies and such, I decided that I wasn't going to change wigs with everyone else there...and that I was going to take some of the wig matters into my own hands. When my 'Mob' wig proved to be too large, I just asked the costumer for a needle and thread and took it in. When my 'Ball' wig nearly got knocked off in the Gavotte (yes, Ms. Choreographer...THIS IS HOW THE DANCE IS SPELLED!!!), I asked for another needle and thread and took that wig in. When my 'Wedding/Prisoner' wig got messed up, I asked the wig ladies to please fix it. When the main wig lady asked me about my Mob wig last night and if it was still too big, I just told her 'It was, but I took it in myself'. She seemed surprised but also rather pleased that it was something she didn't have to do.

I have also been invited to help the costumers with other shows when they found out that I knew how to sew. I told them that it would depend on my schedule but I'm usually too busy to volunteer backstage. It was nice though!

It was very interesting last night during the show. I was in my Act II 'Ball' getup, which includes a lovely lavender ballgown, rhinestone dangly earrings, and a tall, curly white wig. I looked in the mirror as I was waiting to help someone with a costume change backstage and just thought, 'Wow. For the first time in months, I feel like I look like myself!' Maybe it was the fake eyelashes or the makeup or the fact that I wasn't really looking at my hair since it was so obviously a wig, but it looked like ME. I felt like I looked pretty for the first time in 4 months. It both felt nice and pretty depressing.

I'll get back there soon though...only one more to go and then my body can start getting back to where it should be. I plan on starting Biotin to help with the hair growth and with luck, I'll have some back before I have to do concerts this summer. I kind of don't want to wear the wig in places without air-conditioning if it's going to be a hot summer although at this point, it's hard to tell.

Only one more to go!!!

Had the 7th of 8 (or 3rd of 4) treatment on Tuesday (set off a day due to the Patriot's Day holiday here) and my sister, Deborah, was up with me. On Monday we went to Harvard Square, bummed around, and saw a double feature of 'The Dark Crystal' and 'Labyrinth'...my sister is such a trooper as those are NOT her kinds of movies.

Tuesday was interesting...they had trouble drawing blood from my port, but they finally got it...and apparently I am a little anemic and had to go back on the Nulasta to boost my White Blood Cell count again. I had some steak for dinner that night to try and get my red blood count back up too. I have vitamins with iron in them and need to remember to take them. That night we watched TV and hung out...the next morning I took her to the airport and I went back to bed. I also napped in the afternoon and Jack napped with me...all happy and snuggly and purry (as Chachi was in my room napping on my bed at the time).

Rehearsal was interesting...I didn't really feel the exhaustion until towards the end of the show. Waking up this morning was really pretty tough and I hope I can make it through tonight without any added caffeine.

The end is in sight! I wish I didn't have to deal with this port for the next year though...I really hate how it looks and feels.

Adding: Ok. I filled out the FMLA information as best as I could and I had my oncologist do so as well. When she asked what time I would be taking off, I said 'None' as I am using my sick time accrued over the last almost-4 years of taking only a couple of sick days a year. However, the Occupational Nurse then told me that my doctor needed to fill in how much time I would be taking off. I'M NOT TAKING ANY TIME OFF!!! Aside from a couple of appointments in May which may be an hour or so, tops, I will be taking 3 days off on May 3, 4, and 5, and then that's it! I don't need time off for 'treatment and recovery' other than what I've been using for sick time! My boss knows...they haven't had an issue with my schedule and I plan on making my radiation appointments for first thing in the morning so that it won't affect work!

Bleh. Just got off the phone with her and explained that I had only one more treatment left. She then decided not to place me on 'intermittent leave'. Hello...I didn't need it before...I don't need it now. Grrrrrrr.

Dignity and Trust

So, in the show that I'm doing that opens April 23rd, we have a lot of wigs. I, as a member of the ensemble, have 4 wigs alone (one is my Fiordiligi wig that I brought in as I know it fits me). Now, I posted earlier about how the folks were about letting me come in at 6pm, a half hour before everyone else, so I could try them on without the rest of the cast looking on. It would have worked, if the wig lady was actually there. Instead, I was third to get fitted (even though I was first to get there) although she did let me go into one of the private dressing rooms for it.

So, keeping the above in mind, we got an email about wigs (and we will be getting a lecture tonight)which said that we all needed to have a Wig Buddy -- someone who will help us with our wigs, pin them on, make sure they are straight, etc. We will also have multiple wig caps which we will need to change out depending on the wig.

It feels like all the sensitivity that was shown before was sort of stomped on and ground into the cement floor, you know?

I understand that they're assuming the worst and I understand their reasoning for this. However, I have also been wearing wigs almost non-stop since the middle of February and can feel when they're not on straight. Also, there is nothing to pin any wig on to...in fact, pinning it onto a wig cap might cause the cap to fall off!

It becomes an issue, for me, of dignity and trust. They don't know me...they don't know how I care for wigs and costumes. I get that. However, they do know that I'm very sensitive about being seen with my naked, bald head by everyone. I realize that we do have a couple fast changes and I know that it is probably going to be inevitable, but I was really hoping to deal with this on my own terms and not to have to be forced to have someone who would be staring at my head.

I don't know if I should say anything or just get a wig buddy who might be sensitive to this and ask them to please let me do my own thing and they can tell me if it's crooked. The more I think about it, the more upset I think I'm getting. They told us to bring one of our wigs for the lecture and I'm afraid that it's going to be some sort of hands-on demonstration with the entire cast present. Really, it's not something that I need. I'm also very hesitant when they say that they will just pin the wigs to the wig caps. Wig caps are notorious for being too big for my head and pinning weight on them really doesn't seem like the best way to keep them on.

What I'm really kind of upset over is that it feels like my dignity is really being forced from me. It's one thing for me to do this on my own terms and to decide how, but it feels like I'm really being forced into exposing something that really makes me very uncomfortable right now. It's not that I look hideous, but it's very startling and there are 3 teenagers in the cast who will probably stare and either whisper among themselves or...I don't know what. I'd say about half the cast knows...others might suspect. But I still want it to be on my terms...not something that I'm forced to do by a wig lady at a Community Theater.

To those of you who are in the show and may read this (you know who you are), I honestly have nothing against the show or the theater group or the woman doing the wigs.

About singing, girly stuff, and general mood...

...less about other things, although I'm much less achy today with only the occasional twinge. I really, really, REALLY dislike how easily fatigued I get, but I know that it'll improve. The thing is, I want it improved NOW.

That said, I went into Boston today to meet a friend briefly before schlepping over to the Conservatory to practice. I worked through some music, which felt good, but I really disliked that I was so tired while doing that. I could really feel my back muscles engaging though and really felt like I was doing a lot of work.

I don't like that.

Girly Stuff Here




I then decided to go to the lingerie store at Copley to ask about how they size when breasts are a little uneven. They did say that they size to the larger breast and if they're really uneven (like a couple of cup sizes) then they can do some tailoring or sew in some padding. Since my difference seems to be the difference between an E and a DD, it's pretty small. The saleslady also said that it's probably most noticeable to me and no one else would notice.

Well, the only one noticing my breasts right now IS me, so there we go.

Girly Stuff over

I then walked back to the T but thought about getting some Bubble Tea. Since Tealuxe was a block away, I thought to go there. When I got there, though, the line was almost out the door so I just left.

I had a lot of walking and thinking time and it really hit me that I'm pretty lonely right now. I know everyone says that the right guy will come along when I stop waiting and looking, but...I've stopped, I've started, I've looked online, I've looked offline...

And I'm still by myself.

It hit me pretty hard and I don't think I can do anything about it. Maybe some of it is the crap they've been putting in me. I don't know, but it's not a nice feeling. I'm trying to keep up hope, but the older I get and the longer I stay alone, the less hope I have.

On the good side though, singing through my 'hard' repertoire felt really good and Bolocco has come out with a 'mini' sized burrito which is a pretty perfect size for me. They also have a Nutella shake which they can make with soymilk...and those come in minis too!

It's better today.

Yesterday was pretty miserable, even after taking the Tylenol 3. I was not happy, but I got through it. Today is somewhat better...the pain is less constant, but it still flares randomly. But tomorrow it should be gone...for another week or so. It's not going to be fun dealing with it during the show, but I'll manage.

I'm wearing the red wig today...I think that the stylist cut the bangs a little short, but oh well.

And, before I forget, a slightly better picture of Chachi:

It was ok...until today.

Tuesday we went into Boston briefly to run a couple of errands before coming back. Wednesday was a little more easy-going and we got some work done before I had to go off to rehearsal and drop Barbara off at the train on the way.

This morning, I woke up in pain again. I decided that it felt like my kneecaps were trying to pull themselves away from my knees and legs. I'm at work now but not very happy about it and in quite a bit of discomfort. I did take 2 'regular' tylenol about 2 hours ago, so I think I'm going to try and take one of the ones with coedine in it now to see if that helps. I do have rehearsal tonight so that's going to be interesting.

I fear it's going to be the same thing tomorrow...but by Saturday I should be feeling much better. It's just going to be tough with these rehearsals, but it'll be good practice for Tech week, I guess.

Ugh.

3/4 done!

Only two more treatments left!!!

Barbara came with me today...we got there a few minutes late, but it was ok. Merri joined us not too soon after and we sat around, chatting, watching 'It Happened One Night' and such. I talked to the oncologist about how I felt last time -- with the muscle pains. She suggested that since my white blood cell counts were so high (28,000) that I not take the Nulasta shot this time and that might help with the pain. She also suggested that if it got to be bad, then I could take more of the Tylenol 3, just not when I have to drive in case more of the pills make me a little loopy. We'll see, I suppose. The stylist who was running the 'Look Good, Feel Better' session that day came in and helped me figure out new ways to style my curly wig and she also trimmed the bangs for my red wig so I can wear it and actually see! We talked some about eyelashes and eyebrows as well, but I don't know if I agree with her suggestions.

After we were done (at about 2:30) we walked around Porter Square some before Merri left and Barbara and I went to Davis and got some dinner and cupcakes. Then, back home, we watched 'Iron Man' and knitted. The cats are still not quite getting along yet...Jack is happy to be curious about Chachi as long as Chachi doesn't make eye contact.

So far, I'm feeling ok. I'm hoping that it lasts. I do need to get to sleep soonish though.

Tomorrow we're going to try to go into Boston briefly and I may try to get some work done as I brought some mailings home to put together.

Continued progress...

Jack is back to eating his food, especially since I put him back on Wellness. I'll just keep him on the Science Diet dry which he seems to like well enough (so much so that the other night he went to Chachi's food bowl and ate some of his!). Last night he was out quite a bit, following and growling at Chachi...I'm really hoping that I can have them out all day together on Saturday. I don't know about at night yet, but we'll see what happens. I don't quite know what Chachi will do once he sees where I sleep...and I don't know what Jack will do once Chachi hops up on the bed.

I did practice some again last night...the voice is still weird, but I can't tell if it's still residual from the cold (which was so long ago!) or allergies, or something else entirely. I took some Theraflu last night and I think that helped. Part of the thing also could have been that I'm working on new music (Wagner) and it's not in my voice yet and sitting in the passagio. I did sing through the end section of 'Sempre Libera' and that actually felt pretty good, so I guess things aren't so bad. The resonance also may be off because of the congestion.

So, once again, I am surprised at the kindness of people. We're having wig fittings for the show next week and I emailed the wig lady and asked if I could come earlier or something because I felt uncomfortable showing my bald head to the cast and she said 'Sure! I'll come at 6pm just for you!'. It's such a little thing, but it just really touched me that she was willing to do that. I've seen my bald head...I don't like it. I try not to look at it, but I have seen it. I don't like it...I don't like that I have almost no eyelashes...and I don't like that my eyebrows are so thin. I know it will all grow back and I am just counting the days until May 3rd when it can start doing just that! I know it may take a few months and I may be wearing the wig into the summer, but there won't be anything stopping it then.

Also, my appetite seems to be coming back a little. I still don't eat very much, but I actually am feeling hunger now. Not often, but it's there. Not that I minded losing the weight, but I do mind that my clothes are all saggy.

I also need to remember to wash my wig more often. I think I need to do it more than the 'every 14 wearings' or so that was mentioned. It's long hair...it can get kind of scraggly.

I guess that's it for now...I have rehearsal tonight and since there are road closings in that area, I'm going to leave right from work. Granted, the traffic will probably suck, but oh well.

Progress...

...in a couple of areas.

Last night, I had my first coaching since 'Cosi' closed. I was a little concerned about getting through it energy and stamina-wise since when I sang on Friday, I could barely make it through a phrase without having to catch my breath. I think, however, I am going to pin that on the muscle pain since that really did sap my energy (should be fun for show weekends!). First, my coach asked me with a bit of surprise, 'Is that a wig?' to which I responded, 'Yes,' and he said, 'It's a really good one!'. So...yay! It needs to be washed though...I think that will be done tonight if I don't get distracted.

Anyhow, the best part about this was that I brought in 'Or sai chi l'onore' from Don Giovanni, an aria that is one that I need to learn (as I am learning the role) and one that I had been worried about as it was feeling kind of screamy to me. Screamy is bad. It doesn't help that the tessitura of this piece is all in the passagio and above with a lot of High A's. But I sang though it once and my coach looked at me and said, 'You sound really good!' HOORAY! He didn't say that the aria sounded screamy...if anything, he said it was a touch held back, but that was understandable. So we worked on it some and I made it through the hour coaching (of 2 rather tough arias) which felt fantastic!!! I set up another coaching for the end of April.

I guess it's just really comforting and a huge relief that all of this isn't affecting my singing detrimentally *knock wood*. The cough wasn't helping (it's getting much better now) of course, but I know I'll get my stamina back. Hell, I made it through Cosi fan tutte after having done 2 rounds of chemo! I can do this!

The other bit of progress is with the cats! When I got home last night, I gave Jack some attention (and a new catnip toy) and then let Chachi out of the room. Jack hid for the bulk of the night so Chachi had the run of the place...let me tell you, that cat is a nut! I think he and Jack will definitely get along once they get used to each other because, aside from not freaking out around another cat, they seem to be very similar in personalities. Chachi is very inquisitive and loves to play...he even started batting around the toy mice! He then snuggled with me for a bit and later in the evening Jack came out. The first time, he made it all the way to the sofa where Chachi and I were sitting before he hissed and ran away. He did this a second time (minus the hissing) so I'm hoping that he'll soon start coming out and getting to know Chachi without the growls and hisses. When I went to bed, Chachi went back into his room while I read and let Jack know that it was ok for him to come out. He slept on the bed with me all night and we snuggled in the morning before I had to get up.

Also, Jack is refusing to eat any of the wet food besides the Wellness. I may have to call the vet about that...he'll still eat the prescription dry food, but he isn't having any of the prescription or Science Diet wet food. Such a picky cat!

Introducing cats is hard!!!

So I brought Chachi(?) out today in his carrier for Jack to look at...Jack wasn't terribly pleased, but he was also sort of curious.

Chachi was out for a good deal today with Jack stalking and growling after him. When Chachi got a little too forward and tried to play and there was some nasty howling going on, I removed him back into his room. Jack is now sulking and Chachi wants out. I'll try again tomorrow when I get home from work and see how they do.

Meanwhile, Jack isn't terribly happy with his food, which is frustrating me a bit. I know that he'll eat if/when he's hungry, but it still frustrates me. I guess I shouldn't be so surprised that I, of all people, have a stubborn cat.

The aches are pretty much gone, but I spent the day inside and in my pajamas due to being tired. I have a busy week coming up and I want to make sure I have the energy for it. I really hope that I can make it through my coaching tomorrow. I seemed to be in better shape when I sang yesterday, so I do have to wonder if part of the exhaustion issues was from the aches. That's going to suck during the weeks where I have shows, but I'll just have to get through it and deal.

I almost forgot! Passover starts tomorrow night and I honestly don't know if I can do the whole 'no leavened bread' thing right now since that seems to be a staple sort of thing right now for me. During Passovers past, I'm rarely full since I feel fairly limited in what I can eat and right now, eating salads is sort of out, sadly. I know that an exception is made when one is ill, so maybe this falls under that. I am looking forward to matzoh ball soup though.

The new side effects started showing.

They really started on Thursday when I noticed that I would get these really sharp flashes of pain in my hips, knees, and legs. I took a leftover Tylenol with Coedine that night...which helped, but the pain continued through Friday. In fact, Friday night, I took about an hour nap and woke up writhing in pain. Not fun. Another Tylenol with Coedine was taken and I went to bed.

Today, there are a few twinges, but it's much more tolerable. I hope that means that it's fading. I hope that it's not this bad every time or that it doesn't get worse or I'll need something stronger.

I did a cattle-call audition today (didn't realize it was one...blech) which was pretty good...although the audition wasn't so hot and I was the oldest women in the room by about 8 years or so. I did not get a callback, which is probably for the best as the rehearsal schedule was going to be rather tight with my other commitments. But I wanted to try and I'm glad I got out there. On the way home, I stopped by a local knitting shop where apparently they found the peacock feather earring I lost on Saturday! Whoda thunk?!?

So far, there is cat progress...they have seen each other with minimal hissing/growling and Jack even came into the other cat's 'room' to explore a bit. It's a little stinky since it's an enclosed area with another litter box, but I'm hoping that once the box is out where there is more air circulation, the smelly will stop. The names for the other cat are now between 'Chachi' and 'Oscar'...he's rather messy.

That's the state of things right now. I hope that the twinges are much less tomorrow and I may actually let the other cat out to explore some.

And here he is!!!

That's the new kitty!! So far, he is INCREDIBLY affectionate...so much so that I'm considering naming him 'Herbie'(the Love Bug). I do also think that 'Dino' is a good name too (after Dean Martin). Jack isn't too keen on him right now...there is a bit of hissing and growling and grumbling at the door. Whenever he sees the other cat through the door, it gets a little louder and he runs away, but it hasn't even been 24 hours yet. I should have some time this weekend and tomorrow to supervise some more meetings. In the meanwhile, I'm just spending time in the room with the other kitty...and he just loves that! I settled down in the bed for a bit and he just curled up right next to me, purring and kneading and falling asleep. I hope Jack will come around...I think he will, with time. It took Maggie a while to get used to him in the beginning too.

Physically, I'm tired (no surprise) and achy, but I did take a tylenol and that seemed to help. It's mostly in my knees and hips...last night it was in my lower back some too, but that seems to have gone, thank goodness. I've been hungrier, even though I don't really -want- to eat, but it helps to remind me that I -need- to eat. Luckily, though, I didn't feel much of a steroid crash...hopefully it isn't in the days to come, but I would think that by now, the steroids that I took Sunday and Monday would be out of my system.

The cough seems to be getting a little better, as is the goop still left over from being sick a couple of weeks ago. I found a colony of those Mucinex guys living in my sinuses this morning and I hope that they're mostly gone by now...ewwww.

Trying not to jinx anything...

But so far so good...I'm feeling ok right now. I even had a burrito and a soda today...food I don't usually eat and haven't wanted to eat in a while. My cough is still around, but more like it was before so hopefully it'll give my poor cords a chance to heal up so I can sing.

I also may have a new buddy to bring home tomorrow...I really hope that I don't get another phone call tomorrow saying I can't bring him home!

Today was actually rather full as I had to mail a couple of projects out; one was a knitting project for my aunt (for which I will be nicely compensated) and another is for a Recycled Art project for my High School. My mom and I then went to a local knitting shop where she bought some yarn for me to make her a shawlette and a sweater. We then went to the MSPCA to meet a few cats, went to AC Moore to get buttons (we ended up with beads) for my Owl sweater and then had to come home. I was beat...mom was beat...and I think I did rather well for the day after a treatment.

I'm hoping that tomorrow is just as good!

Highs and Lows and Anxiety

So, my mom came in on Thursday night and Friday I took some personal time and she, I, and Beth went shopping. Beth found stuff...I found a knit dress...we had dinner and then went home.

Saturday, we drove around, ran some errands, and decided it was so gorgeous that we'd have to go to Salem. We did...bummed around...I bought some tagua nut buttons in pink and purple, and then we came back and I went to look at a kitten. He was adorable...very playful and seemed to like me well enough, but I wanted to see who was at the shelter who needed a home.

Sunday, we went to the Animal Rescue League of Boston and I looked at 4 cats...the 4th was THE cat! A 4 year old female who decided I was her human! I was all set and excited to be taking her home on Tuesday after her spaying on Monday. Thing is, I got a call today from the shelter. Turns out that before she was to be spayed, the vet found a heart murmur. This meant that I would have to pay for an echocardiogram (about $300-$400 or more) before she could even be spayed...and if she had heart disease, who knows what her life span would be? So sadly, she won't be coming home with me. This makes me terribly sad. Tomorrow we're going to go to the MSPCA to see if we can find a new buddy. If not, I may go back to the kitten.

Today was the new treatment of Taxol and Herceptin. I took my 10 pills of decadron the night before (blech) and they gave me half the dose of Benadryl and apparently I did not have the allergic reaction. The Herceptin one also went fairly well, I guess...the thing is, all of the side-effects would show within the next 3-4 days. Some of them are kind of scary in that they could hurt my heart, but apparently my echocardiogram was ok, so keep your fingers crossed! It was just a very long session...we were there by about 9:15am and didn't get out until after 3:30pm.

Finally! A real person!

I finally got to speak, at length, to the oncologist!

Regarding the decadron, there is nothing she can replace it with. She knows how badly I crashed even on a taper of the lighter dose of it but apparently the decadron is the only thing that can help prevent possible anaphylactic (sp?) shock. So...yeah. The good news is, the crash may be on that Tuesday, so I will have my mom (and subsequent chemo buddies) with me. My only concern is if it goes past that...but we won't know until we see what happens.

She is going to check and see if she can use something other than the Benadryl though since I have the adverse reaction to it. I'm less concerned about being hyper-awake for the 6 1/2 hours during the treatment than I am about the steroid crash.

I also asked about the cough and she said I could have some low-level allergic reaction to the Cytoxin, which can manifest in the lungs. Good thing is, no more Cytoxin! Bad thing is...it sometimes takes weeks to months to clear up. The treatment that they usually give, however. is STEROIDS...so maybe when I take the butt-load of decadron on Sunday, it'll help clear things up! If not, then we'll know that it's not that and I'll get to go to my PCP to figure it out.

My echocardiogram that I got yesterday was 'perfect'...no effects from the Adriamycin, which is a good thing.

On a completely unrelated note, I met the kitten last night. Unfortunately, she really had no interest in me at all, which was kind of sad for me, but 1) she is a cat, and 2) not all cats are for all people. I'm going to go looking at a couple other shelters this weekend, particularly the Animal Rescue League and maybe the MSPCA because those aren't no-kill shelters. I'm really beginning to think that I want a cat that's around a year old or so...this way, I can rescue a sweet cat that might not otherwise get a chance. I wish I could rescue an older cat, but I just don't think that I can right now. There were some at the ARL that looked really promising, including one that reminded me so much of Maggie in her expression! I wish I could provide links, but if you go to Animal Rescue League of Boston, click on 'Cat' and then 'Female' and these are the ones I'm interested in (in no particular order):

Harmonica
Fanny
Tammy
The pretty grey, splotchy kitty below Tammy (Apricot)
Baby
Candy
Miss Marple
Cowbell (black and white kitty on page 3)
Maya (below Cowbell)
Susie (no picture)
Dallas

So I will either go Saturday or Sunday to look at them...and we'll see, I guess!

I'm melting! Mmmmeeeelllltttiiinnggggg!

Ok, maybe not so much melting, but I'm shrinking, girth-wise.

Now, I think most women are always looking to lose some weight...stupid media and such. I also recognize that about 9 years ago, when I left Grad School, I gained a bit of weight...but I needed to do so. I was only about 107 in Grad School and a size 0/2...and it was a little too small for me. I got to close to 120 and a size 4...and sort of stayed there, although I did end up balancing between about 116-118. I stayed at a pretty solid size 4 though and was happy with that.

Now all my clothes are too big! I don't know my weight, but I measured my waist about 2 weeks ago or so and it went from a 28 1/2" to a 27/" waist...and none of my bottoms fit right now. I might have shrunk a size there...from a 4 to a 2 and it doesn't help that I don't have much hip to begin with. When I get down this small though, they sort of seem to disappear, which makes wearing clothes kind of hard as women's clothing are often cut to show off curves!

I'm rather happy with the smaller waist and flatter abdomen, but this is not how I want to tone! I didn't want to lose actual weight, see...just get muscle tone...which I can't really do because even walking up a flight of stairs can wind me most of the time. How am I supposed to exercise???

I'll probably gain the weight back once my appetite returns, but I hope I don't lose too much more in the next couple of months or I'll start looking skeletal!


Oh! So, the oncologist never called me back yesterday...and when I called again this morning to ask for her (turns out she isn't in today...grrrrrrr) the receptionist seemed very surprised that she didn't call me back! Apparently, she will be paged.

A weekend in pajamas.

So, after the whole ER debacle on Friday, I canceled my engagements this weekend and decided to just sort of lay low and heal up. Saturday, I slept in some until about 10:30am and had a temp of 98.6...not my usual temperature, but still well within 'normal'. II didn't change out of my pajamas and watched about 4 'teen' movies, including one of the 'Bring it on' sequels which, while predictable, was kind of cute.

Sunday I did much the same thing after scrambling to deal with some NEGASS issues -- I'm glad it all worked out, but gaah...I wish I could have been there to help!! I watched a few wedding show marathons and knitted (finished a shrug) -- I did spend a few hours helping my aunt with a project she was hired to knit, but the pattern was all messed up. So I broke it down, fixed it, and after about 4 or 5 phone calls, she decided that -I- would be the one to knit it and send it back to the person...and in the end, -I- would get the check! Hey, I can deal with that! I ordered the yarn, am having it express-shipped to me, so I should have it, I hope, by the middle of this week so that at the very worst, I can get this out by Monday.

Temp was down to normal.

I have a lot of phone calls to make tomorrow -- need to call one of the vets to see how much an eye consultation is going to be for Jack, and I need to call my oncologist. I'm kind of pissed off at her right now. When I told her about my coughing, she never explained or even offered up the possibility that it could actually be a rare side effect of the adriamycin. I have never wheezed before, but now, I am wheezing. I hope that this has not permanently damaged my lungs (although my chest x-ray on Friday was clear so one hopes that it will be ok). However, I am of the opinion that she could have considered this when I told her about the cough I had in January after the first treatment! That cough has not gone away! I also need to talk to her about the decadron steroid that I am supposed to take for the next round. I apparently have a pretty significant crash from the decadron, even when it has been tapered. I am also very nervous about sitting in a chair for 6 1/2 hours after getting a fairly high dose of Benadryl. While it may put most people to sleep, I have an adverse reaction where I get hyper. It's why Nyquil keeps me awake at night. So, I might not be bouncing, but I might be...I just don't know. I want to know if there is ANYTHING else that they can give me instead of those. One of the nurses mentioned giving me an Ativan, but I am NOT going to take a 'downer' after taking an 'upper'! She is also supposed to schedule an echocardiogram for me before I start taking chemo treatments that could damage my heart...yet I haven't heard from her about it.

So yeah. I'm not terribly happy right now...and she was out of town, on vacation, during my last chemo treatment when I had a bunch of questions for her (not to mention when I was in the ER, but she didn't know that).

I canceled any non-work commitment tomorrow (unless they call me to look at the kitten!) since I just need to take it easy before I go back to rehearsal on Wednesday. I also scheduled a coaching for Thursday, so hopefully I'll be over this congestion by then.

Mom is coming back Friday evening! I guess I should really clean up some. I meant to do so today, but sort of got stuck on the sofa...where I am now with a warm, fuzzy, purry cat. Poor Jack...either he was really sick of having me around today, or he's really lonely. I'm working on it though!

On another note...sort of, I've been sort of mulling over this for a while. I remember thinking, over the last few years, how lucky my family was not to have to deal with some sort of medical thing like, say, Breast Cancer. Maybe I jinxed it, but I would think about that and then pray that God would keep my family and loved ones safe, healthy, and happy. I didn't want to feel selfish by asking it for myself...but I do love myself (most of the time) so I hoped that I would be included. Then this happens and I'm forced to go through something that hurts my family and loved ones, and something that hurts me...not just my body, but my sense of self. I really hate that I've been forced to a point where I DON'T like myself. I DON'T like my self-image. I DON'T feel attractive. I'm sad, I'm lonely, and I'm forced to be ill for 4 months solid. I'm sure I'm not the first person to wonder 'why?' and I guess I should be glad that it's not any worse. I sincerely hope that it doesn't get any worse. I pray that it doesn't get worse. I really hate that I don't really enjoy eating much of anything right now...I hate that I don't enjoy sweets. I hate that a lot of things that I really enjoyed and things that made me happy (not that I used food to gauge happiness, but sometimes ice cream does boost one's mood) don't anymore. I haven't been singing much, mostly because I've either been sick from chemo or sick from a cold. The one day I did get to practice a couple of weeks ago felt fantastic -- everything seemed to work right in all of my trouble repertoire. I think that singing in 'Cosi' was a big help in that...like Michelle said, it really helped me find my real voice so now I can apply it to all of my repertoire. But I haven't sung since that day because I've felt too ill. I REALLY HATE that I've felt too ill to sing.

I'm not really angry at myself...I'm angry in general which is, I guess, better than giving in to the temptation of defeat. I just hope that once this is over, things will get back to normal and I'll be able to be happy again...that I'll be able to like myself again. I really do miss myself.

So, I never want to do this again.

My fever didn't really go down too much today so at 2:30pm I took myself to the Emergency Room. I was apparently dehydrated and had a temp of 101.4 when I got there so over the course of about three and a half hours, they did a lot of blood tests, stuck me in a room, gave me a ton of saline, had me pee in a cup...and then sent me home with antibiotics.

Apparently my white blood cell count was really high, which was good...but also apparently indicated that my body was fighting something off. They thought that it was either an infection (my sinuses were hating me) or some thing that affects the pleura, which would make sense as I've pretty much been coughing non-stop since I started chemo. The doctor there explained that it was a common side effect of the Adriamycin...hello, why didn't my oncologist tell me this too??

So I'm now at home...just took my temp (98.6) and will be taking it easy this weekend. Hopefully with the antibiotics, this will go through me quickly and I'll be well again soon.

But I hope I never have to go to the ER again.

Having a cold and dealing with chemo = NOT FUN!

As if it's not bad enough that I already feel tired and achy and don't want to eat...I now have a cold on top of it. No fever...at least, nothing more than .3 degrees, so I don't have to worry about that. I just don't like the re-emergence of the Cough from Hell and a stuffed up nose and head. I'm rather glad I don't have to be doing any singing until this weekend (and even that's just in sing-along mode).

On another note, the kitten, Sparrow, who I wanted to meet, has been adopted. Yay for her...sad for me. I have since asked about Harrison but haven't heard back. They have another kitten, but she's out in the Amherst adoption center and I think that's too far for me to go.

If Harrison doesn't work out, I'm going to go to the Animal Rescue League of Boston, where I got Jack, as they had about 3 or 4 cats (between 6 months and a year) that looked promising. I'm kind of hoping to bring a cat home the weekend of the 20th since I know I'll be around for at least three days to keep an eye out on things. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. There's an adoption day at a local pet store on the 20th and I figured I'd see if they would be bringing any of the kittens by. I'm still waiting for a response to my email.

I just hope I can kick this cold by this weekend...I have way too much to do!


On another note, I am really happy that my family is getting a chance to meet some of my friends up here. I know that they worry for me and it makes me feel great when they see what fantastic folks I have around me.

Half way there, baby!!!

So, today was the last of the Adriamycin/Cytoxin treatment!!! Millie was there as my nurse again and Liddy came with me...we watched 'You've Got Mail' and the beginning of 'The Sound of Music' before it was over. I talked to Millie and to the social worker, Beth, about a couple of things: Beth will be looking for a therapist to recommend to me and we talked about the next round.

According to Sarah, there's a lot of decadron to take which does cause a crash a couple of days after the treatment. I hated the crash the first time, so I've avoided decadron since. Hearing all this did not make me happy and I was hoping to talk to the oncologist, but she's on vacation this week. I'll talk to her Monday about it, but Millie and Beth seemed to think that maybe we could do some sort of a taper, but the Taxol can cause some bad allergic reaction so the decadron helps to prevent that.

Bleh.

After that, Liddy and I came home for a few minutes before going back to the vet to pick up Jack who finally got his urine sample taken and his rabies shot, which was long overdue. Still no word on the other cat, but I emailed.

Tomorrow we'll see how I feel, but we may go to one of the malls...I have a couple of coupons and want to look and see what's out there. I'm loving this warmer weather though, but haven't put my winter coat away just yet.

I'm trying to keep on eating...Liddy made some AMAZING chicken noodle soup for dinner and I have a ton left over...need to find tupperware so I can freeze it. I think when DeeDee comes up, we may need to make some matzoh ball soup!

Happy Birthday to me!!!

Ok, so I'm posting after midnight, so technically it's not my birthday anymore...but still. Happy Birthday to me!

My sister (Elizabeth) flew in from VA today to stay with me through Wednesday...and to be my chemo buddy for the last in this round! Almost half-way there! Sadly though, she either has a cold or an allergy attack so we're both being careful (and she's wearing a mask when she's in my apartment). We'll see how she feels tomorrow.

I was surprised by Hope, Chad, Karen, and Adam who sent me a lovely birthday bouquet with a big, purple rose in the middle of it! My sister and I then went downtown where I dragged her to Windsor Button (yarn store) where I finally used the gift certificate that Josh and Beth got me a year and a half ago...bought some buttons for the sweater that is almost finished and some more yarn that I needed/wanted for another project. We grabbed a snack and came home (we walked to and from Davis and I wanted to get home before it got dark), I took a nap, and we went back out to the Garment District because I needed some neckties for another project. Got those...and we went to get some dinner. She got me a red velvet cupcake as a 'Birthday cake' and actually, for the first time, I tasted the cocoa in the red velvet cake! It was quite good!

After that, we came home, watched 'Grease' on TV (the uncut version! Amazing!) and she went to bed...and I am up watching 'Grease 2' and typing this.

Tomorrow is Dim Sum and then 'Alice in Wonderland' before some shopping for Monday and next week. I also have to go by work because I forgot the shot that I have to take on Tuesday there. Maybe tomorrow before shopping since it's not too far from the Whole Foods.

I had a few really nice conversations with my sister...one of them was about self-esteem. She seemed concerned about mine and I tried really hard to assure her that normally, it's pretty good. Normally, I like how I look, but right now, I don't. It's a temporary thing, I'm very sure (I've had two people last week telling me how much they loved my short hair and that I really should keep it that way even once it's grown back...still don't know about that) and that I appreciate her worry, but she really doesn't need to. I'm hoping that it helped ease her concerns some.

I found something that I thought about getting for my Birthday, but it's kind of frivolous and expensive...and I really would like to try and save up for an Eiderol R-09 recorder...so I don't know if I'm going to get it. But it's really pretty cool.

No word yet on Sparrow, but I have been pre-approved to adopt from this particular shelter. If I don't get her then they have another adoption event on March 20th that I might go to if there aren't any other cats to meet before then.

So, that was my birthday! Not as depressing as I thought it might have been...I'm really glad my sister was here to share it with me.

Just continuing...

Got Jack in the carrier when I got home...the growling and howling was horrendous...until we got outside. Then it became the most pitiful meows! Nice try, cat...but I'm impressed he tried the different tactics!

Of course, when we got the vet, his bladder was empty. All that trouble and they couldn't do anything! So, my sister and I are going to try some things this weekend and if that doesn't work, he goes back to the vet on Monday, before chemo, and I will pick him up after chemo.

He seems to be acting fine now *knock wood* and especially likes his new dry food.

On another note, my other sister put something up on my Facebook wall that I sort of felt like I had to question. She said something about my 'strength' and I asked her some about it and explained that I don't particularly feel 'strong'. I don't feel like I'm doing anything different...aside from feeling like crap more often than usual and taking more naps than I usually would. But my sister explained to me that it's just that mentality that she is using when she talks about 'strength' -- that I won't let this stop me.

Well, of course I won't! If I did that, I'd be poor, fat, and miserable! Ok, well, I'm sort of miserable (more sad and frustrated and uncomfortable) and I guess I'm not fat since apparently I've lost a little over an inch in my waist, and I'm trying not to be poor. But she meant that I'm still going about my life as normally as I can, I think, and that was strength to her. Hey, I'm find if they want to see it like that...I just don't feel it.

I just want this thing to be over and done with. I know we're almost half-way done, but I don't know how I'm going to get through two more months of this. I kind of hate the way I look (although I like having a 27" waist again...it means, though, that now all of my pants are too big because apparently I lost girth in my hips too...which held the pants up!), I'm lonely, I don't have an appetite for the foods that make me happy (I know, food shouldn't make anyone happy, but I dare anyone to try being unhappy while eating ice cream!), I don't have much spending money, the portocath is the most annoying thing EVER...all that fun stuff that will probably continue at least through May 3rd (or beyond). None of that is really in my control, either, so I can't go FIX it.

I've felt like this before and it usually passes. I'm sure this will too and it's probably also not all in my control. But I just don't feel 'Strong' and I'm kind of surprised that people are seeing it. I know we're often blind to ourselves and I'm guessing that this is one of those things. Maybe I'm pre-menstrual (such as it is).

Maybe strength is something we, ourselves, don't see? Maybe my self-esteem is so low right now that any sort of compliment is going to just be met with negativity? If so, I'm sorry...I don't mean it.

Yesterday's saga...

So, I woke up and Jack, who was curled up on me, started meowing very insistently at me before he got off of the bed. I noticed that he was moving a little slower than he usually does and when he rolled over on his side, he seemed uncomfortable. So, amazingly enough, I stuffed him into the cat carrier and trekked off to the vet, hoping that it was just a UTI or something like that.

He pee'd in the carrier and was examined by the vet who said that yes, he had crystals in his bladder. He also may have something going on with his eyes, but it probably wasn't related. I took him back home with medicine, special food, and about a cup and a half of plastic pellet 'litter' which I was to try to get him to pee in so I could get a sample with a syringe. Thing is, Jack didn't want to use that litter! I came home from work...no pee. I came home from gaming...no pee. This morning...no pee.

So, I called the vet again and they suggested bringing him in so they can get a sample by using a fine needle. So I go to get him into the carrier...he is not having it, almost takes off my face and goes to hide. Knowing that I won't be able to get him out of his hiding spot, I call the vet again and they suggest trying this evening. Now, I have a feeling that Jack just hates the plastic litter and is not using the box out of spite, so I ask if I can put his normal litter back in the box. They say it's up to me. I do...and the moment the top is on the box, Jack comes streaking out of his hiding spot under my bed and into the litter box...and pees!

AUGH!

So the plan is to try and catch him tonight and bring him in to see if they can get a sample. Little brat. I KNEW he was just waiting! At least he's not blocked though.

Not what I need right now! At least when I got home, last night, and this morning, he was acting like his usual self...aside from not wanting to get in the carrier and not using the litter box.

This Birthday feels weird.

My birthday is next Saturday...two days before my 4th and final treatment of Adriamycin/Cytoxin. It feels very odd thinking about celebrating when I'm going through all of this.

All week I haven't really felt like eating much, but I have...but nothing seems to settle my stomach. I think I need to get some nice, plain bread for times like these. Luckily, my tastes haven't really changed aside from having no craving for sweets (insane, I know) so I can still enjoy flavor. It does seem to mean, though, that planning a big Birthday outing (like I've done in the past) may not happen. I'm still debating if I'm going to feel well enough to do something the first week of Boston Restaurant Week.

Another thing is that my tooth where I had my root canal is aching. I think it's from a sinus thing, but it's pretty annoying and I really hope that it's not a dental issue because I can't do anything about that until May.

Back to the birthday thing. It feels kind of depressing, to be honest, since I feel like I look like crap and haven't felt that great. Yes, there's a reason, but it doesn't really help. I WANT to feel good for my birthday! I mean, I might, since it's a week away, but it won't be the same. I feel old. I feel like I look old (although the eye cover-up cream helps with that). I feel not-happy. I just want all of this to be done and I don't want to have to deal with it on my freaking Birthday!

Maybe Jack is sensing my current emotional state. He is now sleeping on my lap, hugging me.

Ok, honestly...

...last night was hard. I didn't really have much energy and didn't have much patience for rehearsal, but I did it...and I will continue to do it as needed. Going home and getting into bed felt SO good and I just didn't feel like singing. Granted, this cough that doesn't want to go away isn't helping either. 2 1/2 weeks on an inhaler and yes, it's gotten better, but it's still present.

I'm at work today and unsure if I'll be staying the whole time. Granted, I came in late, but I'm getting pretty tired right now...it could be the 2:30pm slump, but it might not. At least I have nothing to do tonight, but I was going to try and look over some of the Wagner so I could begin work on it. I don't even have a recording...or a clue as to what recording to even look for since it's all sort of chopped up.

I also submitted an application for a kitten! I'm not the only one to apply for her though, so who knows what will happen, but isn't she gorgeous?

Sparrow

She has a bum eye too...I certainly can't fault her for that! I may need to take Jack in to have his eye looked at as I can't tell if it's just a weird cat eye thing or if there's a cloudy spot on his right eye. So we'll see.

I'm trying to eat every 2 hours but it's really hard since I'm not at all hungry. I have some veggies that I may try and eat.

Thought of some more to add:

Went back to Costco on Tuesday to look at some glasses frames. I saw some when I was there with my dad but wanted to try them on. The price was great...they looked good...I may consider that since it might be nice to have more than one pair of glasses especially since the ones I have now don't quite fit over the wig.

I got a lovely surprise in the mail today. In addition to purchasing some luscious Wollmeise sock yarn, the one I bought it for (a previous swap partner and lovely woman) sent me a shawl she made and wanted me to know that I was in her thoughts and prayers. Also, from someone else, I got an Amazon.com gift certificate...and I have no clue what to buy!!