No idea if this is related...

...or if it's due to the 'forbidden' Parmesan cheese I had the other day or some very frustrating social issues that cropped up recently, but I feel terrible. Small, worthless, depressed. I just had a checkup with my GP and she seemed to think everything was fine. I mentioned my sleep issues and her answer was, 'Well, you can try these supplements but basically you just need to force yourself to get up earlier.' Great. But that's not really why I'm feeling this. I don't really know why, but this loss of confidence is stronger than it's been in a while. Maybe it's just everything together. Back when I was about 11 or 12...early Middle School years, I spent time with a group of girls who were, in theory, my friends. I remember one sleepover in particular at one of the girls' house...I think her name was Rachel. I remember she and her family were Orthodox Jews and walked to Synagogue...they were the first like that that I remember knowing. So I was at this slumber party with a few other girls and I just remember that they separated themselves from me and started whispering and giggling whenever I looked over at them. To a 12 year old girl, that's devastating. It's one of those things that sticks with you and that's how I feel now, like that 12 year old girl who is being whispered and talked about behind her back and even right in front of her face. That girl comes out every now and then, especially when I'm with a group of women who...well, they would have been the popular girls. They're the ones who like wine and go out to fancy bars and schmooze with guys and wear designer clothes. They have boyfriends or husbands and like cosmopolitans...they're my generation's 'Ladies who Lunch' and I'm just not like that. I have a messy apartment and like eclectic things and wear comic-book t-shirts and collect dragons. Yet sometimes I'm forced to spend time with them due to singing things...and I often try to force myself to socialize, but then they end up talking about things I don't know of care about and I fall silent. I'm back being that 12 year old girl. Due to this, I like to think that I'm fairly sensitive to hurting others' feelings -- as in, I don't want to hurt them! Then, when I'm told that I did, somehow, even though I never would mean to hurt anyone's feelings, I feel absolutely horrible. The other person had incorrect information and obviously didn't believe me when I swore that I never said what I was accused of saying, and while they said they were willing to move on, I don't think they are. So I'm trying to keep my distance...but it doesn't stop me from feeling terrible. I feel like a waste of space right now. I have no real purpose. I have a dead-end job, my singing is going nowhere, and my apartment is a mess to the point where I don't even know where to start in making it clean. Only my cats seem to really care if I'm around and that's mostly to feed them. I don't like this.

It's been a while...

...and I don't know if anyone is still reading. Sometimes, though, I want to say things that I don't want to share with the 500+ 'friends' on Facebook or the few who really never comment on LiveJournal. It's still related to this journey so I think it's only fitting to post it here.

I never found a therapist. I tried calling about 4 different ones and none were really willing to help me. While one blatantly told me 'It's normal and it'll go away', it still wasn't helping me. When things are chemically wonky in the brain and I'm going through a form of PTSD, telling me 'It's all ok' really doesn't do much. The good thing is, eventually, a lot of it -did- go away. I'm far less anxious and feel much more even now.

I only need mammograms every year now. I will still be checking in with various doctors every 3 months and getting blood tests for markers every 6 months, but it's a good thing.

The weird thing, though, is that every twinge or ache or bout of heartburn or stomach upset or headache or, really, anything has me jumping to 'What if it's back?' I know that's 'normal' too, but I don't like it. I have trouble getting to sleep at night and then trouble waking up in the morning. It's getting better if I go to bed before midnight and read a little, but it's still not easy. Then I get anxious over the cats...I guess this is why I'm writing all of this here. It's in place of the therapy I'm not able to find.

I have doctor appointments in March and I will be telling them that I worry about every twinge and ache and that I have a hard time both getting to sleep and waking up. We'll see what they say about that.