Research Studies...

...can be interesting things. When I went for my second opinion at Dana Farber, I was asked if I wanted to participate in a Research Study that would be focusing on Young Women with Breast Cancer. I agreed and have done some rather long surveys and sent in some blood samples as they've requested.

Earlier this month, I went to a Forum for young women under 45 who went through this to discuss some issues. I found out that it was because some Researchers were trying to put together some information for those who are younger and have to go through all of this. There's a lot of support and information if you're a woman in your 60's and such, but not so much (if any) if you're under 40. We have different issues. Many of us have not yet started families.

I met some great people that night (and I'm still in touch with one of them) and there were a couple of issues...one woman was VERY angry at EVERYTHING but...yeah.

Anyways, I got an email from the group telling me that there's going to be a Conference in Quincy at the beginning of June to discuss some of these issues and have panels and all. Do I want to go? HELL YES! I just have to wait and see if I need to go out of town that weekend or not. The thing is, I might not know until right at the registration deadline! Erk! But for $25, it seems like a great way to spend the day as apparently a lot of the panels and discussion groups will be covering some of the issues I really want to discuss somewhere.

I just hope that I find out whether or not I'm going out of town that weekend before May 20th!

The search continues...

...for a Therapist. I called someone else, but she doesn't have time either. She then called a few more of her colleagues for me and no one has any appointments after 5pm.

Yeah, no, I cannot take 2 hours out of my workday to go to this. I mean, I probably could, but I find it hard to believe that there isn't a place that understands that yes, some people do work 9-5. I know that they don't want to work late either, but gaah! It's really very frustrating!

On another note, I actually felt pretty when I went to an audition yesterday. The hair was working, the make-up was working...something just fell into place. It was really bittersweet because I used to feel that way far more often. Today it wasn't quite as 'pretty', but it was ok. I was stood up for a date and went into the local Comic book shop and I do admit, they guys there (whom I've known for a little bit now) were very complimentary. Apparently, if I showed up there on a Wednesday night (their gaming night? Graphic Novel night?) and announced 'I'm looking for a date' they'd be lined up out the door...according to one of them. It's something that I needed to hear. Maybe I'm just that vain, I don't know.

I made an appointment to get my hair cut on Thursday. I'm going to see how I feel about my hair tomorrow -- I was frustrated with it last week, but I've had two people compliment my hair and tell me how much it looked like Audrey Hepburn's hair in 'Roman Holiday' which is a big plus in my book! So, I guess worse comes to worse, I can cancel the appointment, but I haven't had it styled since Thanksgiving. It might be due.

Another long-hair dream last night.

My hair was long and straight, but I didn't care because it was SUDDENLY LONG!

Again, I woke up disappointed because my hair was still short.

I've also been staring at this Therapist phone number for a couple of weeks now. So, I called the therapist that was recommended to me and after 2 days of telephone tag, we got a hold of one another and she said 'Oh, I don't have evening hours for you and I don't take your insurance. By the way, what you're feeling is normal'.

Uhm.

Gee.

Yes, I know it's normal after what I've gone through. IT DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY EASIER TO DEAL WITH!!! Intellectually, I know it's normal. Intellectually, I know that it's something that needs to be fixed. Intellectually, I know how silly it is to be feeling all of this because it's just not true. Emotionally, I'm a wreck. Isn't it the therapist's job to help with the whole Emotional part?

So I've tried calling one person she recommended and the phone goes dead every time I call. That does not bode well. Naturally, I'm hesitating calling a third. What if she's a jerk too? I don't want to give my money to a jerk! I don't want to be spilling my guts with my silly insecurities and frustrations to a jerk!

I don't know if I should just start calling down the Insurance company's list of mental health providers or what. But then it's the whole 'This person is a total stranger' thing, but I guess it has to start somewhere, right?

Some days I think it's ok but then I completely sabotage myself. So, I don't know. I really don't.