No idea if this is related...

...or if it's due to the 'forbidden' Parmesan cheese I had the other day or some very frustrating social issues that cropped up recently, but I feel terrible. Small, worthless, depressed. I just had a checkup with my GP and she seemed to think everything was fine. I mentioned my sleep issues and her answer was, 'Well, you can try these supplements but basically you just need to force yourself to get up earlier.' Great. But that's not really why I'm feeling this. I don't really know why, but this loss of confidence is stronger than it's been in a while. Maybe it's just everything together. Back when I was about 11 or 12...early Middle School years, I spent time with a group of girls who were, in theory, my friends. I remember one sleepover in particular at one of the girls' house...I think her name was Rachel. I remember she and her family were Orthodox Jews and walked to Synagogue...they were the first like that that I remember knowing. So I was at this slumber party with a few other girls and I just remember that they separated themselves from me and started whispering and giggling whenever I looked over at them. To a 12 year old girl, that's devastating. It's one of those things that sticks with you and that's how I feel now, like that 12 year old girl who is being whispered and talked about behind her back and even right in front of her face. That girl comes out every now and then, especially when I'm with a group of women who...well, they would have been the popular girls. They're the ones who like wine and go out to fancy bars and schmooze with guys and wear designer clothes. They have boyfriends or husbands and like cosmopolitans...they're my generation's 'Ladies who Lunch' and I'm just not like that. I have a messy apartment and like eclectic things and wear comic-book t-shirts and collect dragons. Yet sometimes I'm forced to spend time with them due to singing things...and I often try to force myself to socialize, but then they end up talking about things I don't know of care about and I fall silent. I'm back being that 12 year old girl. Due to this, I like to think that I'm fairly sensitive to hurting others' feelings -- as in, I don't want to hurt them! Then, when I'm told that I did, somehow, even though I never would mean to hurt anyone's feelings, I feel absolutely horrible. The other person had incorrect information and obviously didn't believe me when I swore that I never said what I was accused of saying, and while they said they were willing to move on, I don't think they are. So I'm trying to keep my distance...but it doesn't stop me from feeling terrible. I feel like a waste of space right now. I have no real purpose. I have a dead-end job, my singing is going nowhere, and my apartment is a mess to the point where I don't even know where to start in making it clean. Only my cats seem to really care if I'm around and that's mostly to feed them. I don't like this.