Yesterday was my 1 year 'End-iversary' in which I had my final chemotherapy treatment. I thought about doing something and saying something, but I decided that if I acknowledged everything, I'd be...well, there would be a lot of that in a 6 month stretch. So I let it pass quietly as I pondered things walking back from the T on my way home from work (I'm trying to drive in less often. It means my commute is over twice as long, but it's greener and it's making me get out and about a little more). I will try to buy a cupcake or two this evening on my way home as it's 'Boston Bakes for Breast Cancer' week and Kickass Cupcakes may (or may not) have their chosen flavor for this in gluten free. I suppose I should probably call. Still, $3 is fine to celebrate this in a small way.
After this, there are no BC milestones until December...aside from my 'every 6 month' checkup and mammogram. It is getting easier to not think about it all though...but it means that other thoughts are coming to the forefront and those are the thoughts that might even be more debilitating (as mentioned in previous posts).
But yay...happy End-iversary to me!
Friday, May 6, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Rough weekend...
So, I had a bit of a rough weekend...there were some very nice parts of it, but also some really difficult parts.
On Saturday I took the cats to the vet for their annual checkup and so that the vet could meet Chachi. Chachi was very obedient and good and calm until they got to clipping his claws and then they brought in a vet tech to help hold him. He has ear gook so now I have to give him ear drops and clean out his ears twice a day, ick. Jack, on the other hand, was growling and hissing the entire time and the vet and vet tech had to don welding gloves and get a towel in order to get his vaccines and clip his claws -- the vet didn't really even get a chance to weigh him or look at his teeth :(. We weighed him in the carrier and he was about 15 lbs in that...and I looked up and saw that the carrier weighed 3 lbs so he lost a little weight. He was chubby so he needed to lose a little. I felt so bad, but was assured that he wasn't the worst they had seen nor was he the worst that they would see that day. It is yet another reason why I am taking them to a cat-only vet!
Saturday afternoon, Ed and I went to the Gore Place Sheepshearing festival where I helped out with a Local Yarn Store's booth and walked around. I ended up buying some fudge and some more yarn...shame on me, I know, but it's for a specific project, I swear!! I even have the buttons for it!
Sunday was really the tough day. I woke up and read an email from a local voice teacher I had contacted about a consultation. She emailed that she was very sorry, but her private studio was so full that she couldn't even squeeze in a consultation. Couple that with the fact that my current teacher has decided not to continue teaching in Boston, I was feeling kind of screwed. Later that day, I was going into Boston to a concert and figured I'd get there early, park, and go into the Conservatory to practice. I should have checked in advance to see if there was a Red Sox game...and there was. That meant no parking. Of course, in my already screwed up thoughts, it was just the straw breaking the camel's back -- I couldn't find a voice teacher and I couldn't even practice. Was this the universe telling me to give up singing? If I didn't have that, what good would I be? I think it was the most depressed and hopeless I've felt in a very, very long time if ever. I could almost understand how people could have suicidal thoughts. Again, I know it's part of the PTSD going on, but I can't even find a therapist who is able to meet with me!
I mean, really...what is Fate trying to do here? Am I not messed up enough?
I made it to the concert and put on a brave face and enjoyed myself. Going back home was hard but I had TV shows to distract me until it was time to go to bed. I did get to practice yesterday and I did feel better after that, but it's still not easy. I know that there's a way to get these Thought Vampires out of my head or at least mute them, but I can't do it myself and I can't find someone to talk to about it. I feel very stymied by things out of my control and I don't know how I can take control back.
On Saturday I took the cats to the vet for their annual checkup and so that the vet could meet Chachi. Chachi was very obedient and good and calm until they got to clipping his claws and then they brought in a vet tech to help hold him. He has ear gook so now I have to give him ear drops and clean out his ears twice a day, ick. Jack, on the other hand, was growling and hissing the entire time and the vet and vet tech had to don welding gloves and get a towel in order to get his vaccines and clip his claws -- the vet didn't really even get a chance to weigh him or look at his teeth :(. We weighed him in the carrier and he was about 15 lbs in that...and I looked up and saw that the carrier weighed 3 lbs so he lost a little weight. He was chubby so he needed to lose a little. I felt so bad, but was assured that he wasn't the worst they had seen nor was he the worst that they would see that day. It is yet another reason why I am taking them to a cat-only vet!
Saturday afternoon, Ed and I went to the Gore Place Sheepshearing festival where I helped out with a Local Yarn Store's booth and walked around. I ended up buying some fudge and some more yarn...shame on me, I know, but it's for a specific project, I swear!! I even have the buttons for it!
Sunday was really the tough day. I woke up and read an email from a local voice teacher I had contacted about a consultation. She emailed that she was very sorry, but her private studio was so full that she couldn't even squeeze in a consultation. Couple that with the fact that my current teacher has decided not to continue teaching in Boston, I was feeling kind of screwed. Later that day, I was going into Boston to a concert and figured I'd get there early, park, and go into the Conservatory to practice. I should have checked in advance to see if there was a Red Sox game...and there was. That meant no parking. Of course, in my already screwed up thoughts, it was just the straw breaking the camel's back -- I couldn't find a voice teacher and I couldn't even practice. Was this the universe telling me to give up singing? If I didn't have that, what good would I be? I think it was the most depressed and hopeless I've felt in a very, very long time if ever. I could almost understand how people could have suicidal thoughts. Again, I know it's part of the PTSD going on, but I can't even find a therapist who is able to meet with me!
I mean, really...what is Fate trying to do here? Am I not messed up enough?
I made it to the concert and put on a brave face and enjoyed myself. Going back home was hard but I had TV shows to distract me until it was time to go to bed. I did get to practice yesterday and I did feel better after that, but it's still not easy. I know that there's a way to get these Thought Vampires out of my head or at least mute them, but I can't do it myself and I can't find someone to talk to about it. I feel very stymied by things out of my control and I don't know how I can take control back.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Research Studies...
...can be interesting things. When I went for my second opinion at Dana Farber, I was asked if I wanted to participate in a Research Study that would be focusing on Young Women with Breast Cancer. I agreed and have done some rather long surveys and sent in some blood samples as they've requested.
Earlier this month, I went to a Forum for young women under 45 who went through this to discuss some issues. I found out that it was because some Researchers were trying to put together some information for those who are younger and have to go through all of this. There's a lot of support and information if you're a woman in your 60's and such, but not so much (if any) if you're under 40. We have different issues. Many of us have not yet started families.
I met some great people that night (and I'm still in touch with one of them) and there were a couple of issues...one woman was VERY angry at EVERYTHING but...yeah.
Anyways, I got an email from the group telling me that there's going to be a Conference in Quincy at the beginning of June to discuss some of these issues and have panels and all. Do I want to go? HELL YES! I just have to wait and see if I need to go out of town that weekend or not. The thing is, I might not know until right at the registration deadline! Erk! But for $25, it seems like a great way to spend the day as apparently a lot of the panels and discussion groups will be covering some of the issues I really want to discuss somewhere.
I just hope that I find out whether or not I'm going out of town that weekend before May 20th!
Earlier this month, I went to a Forum for young women under 45 who went through this to discuss some issues. I found out that it was because some Researchers were trying to put together some information for those who are younger and have to go through all of this. There's a lot of support and information if you're a woman in your 60's and such, but not so much (if any) if you're under 40. We have different issues. Many of us have not yet started families.
I met some great people that night (and I'm still in touch with one of them) and there were a couple of issues...one woman was VERY angry at EVERYTHING but...yeah.
Anyways, I got an email from the group telling me that there's going to be a Conference in Quincy at the beginning of June to discuss some of these issues and have panels and all. Do I want to go? HELL YES! I just have to wait and see if I need to go out of town that weekend or not. The thing is, I might not know until right at the registration deadline! Erk! But for $25, it seems like a great way to spend the day as apparently a lot of the panels and discussion groups will be covering some of the issues I really want to discuss somewhere.
I just hope that I find out whether or not I'm going out of town that weekend before May 20th!
Monday, April 18, 2011
The search continues...
...for a Therapist. I called someone else, but she doesn't have time either. She then called a few more of her colleagues for me and no one has any appointments after 5pm.
Yeah, no, I cannot take 2 hours out of my workday to go to this. I mean, I probably could, but I find it hard to believe that there isn't a place that understands that yes, some people do work 9-5. I know that they don't want to work late either, but gaah! It's really very frustrating!
On another note, I actually felt pretty when I went to an audition yesterday. The hair was working, the make-up was working...something just fell into place. It was really bittersweet because I used to feel that way far more often. Today it wasn't quite as 'pretty', but it was ok. I was stood up for a date and went into the local Comic book shop and I do admit, they guys there (whom I've known for a little bit now) were very complimentary. Apparently, if I showed up there on a Wednesday night (their gaming night? Graphic Novel night?) and announced 'I'm looking for a date' they'd be lined up out the door...according to one of them. It's something that I needed to hear. Maybe I'm just that vain, I don't know.
I made an appointment to get my hair cut on Thursday. I'm going to see how I feel about my hair tomorrow -- I was frustrated with it last week, but I've had two people compliment my hair and tell me how much it looked like Audrey Hepburn's hair in 'Roman Holiday' which is a big plus in my book! So, I guess worse comes to worse, I can cancel the appointment, but I haven't had it styled since Thanksgiving. It might be due.
Yeah, no, I cannot take 2 hours out of my workday to go to this. I mean, I probably could, but I find it hard to believe that there isn't a place that understands that yes, some people do work 9-5. I know that they don't want to work late either, but gaah! It's really very frustrating!
On another note, I actually felt pretty when I went to an audition yesterday. The hair was working, the make-up was working...something just fell into place. It was really bittersweet because I used to feel that way far more often. Today it wasn't quite as 'pretty', but it was ok. I was stood up for a date and went into the local Comic book shop and I do admit, they guys there (whom I've known for a little bit now) were very complimentary. Apparently, if I showed up there on a Wednesday night (their gaming night? Graphic Novel night?) and announced 'I'm looking for a date' they'd be lined up out the door...according to one of them. It's something that I needed to hear. Maybe I'm just that vain, I don't know.
I made an appointment to get my hair cut on Thursday. I'm going to see how I feel about my hair tomorrow -- I was frustrated with it last week, but I've had two people compliment my hair and tell me how much it looked like Audrey Hepburn's hair in 'Roman Holiday' which is a big plus in my book! So, I guess worse comes to worse, I can cancel the appointment, but I haven't had it styled since Thanksgiving. It might be due.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Another long-hair dream last night.
My hair was long and straight, but I didn't care because it was SUDDENLY LONG!
Again, I woke up disappointed because my hair was still short.
I've also been staring at this Therapist phone number for a couple of weeks now. So, I called the therapist that was recommended to me and after 2 days of telephone tag, we got a hold of one another and she said 'Oh, I don't have evening hours for you and I don't take your insurance. By the way, what you're feeling is normal'.
Uhm.
Gee.
Yes, I know it's normal after what I've gone through. IT DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY EASIER TO DEAL WITH!!! Intellectually, I know it's normal. Intellectually, I know that it's something that needs to be fixed. Intellectually, I know how silly it is to be feeling all of this because it's just not true. Emotionally, I'm a wreck. Isn't it the therapist's job to help with the whole Emotional part?
So I've tried calling one person she recommended and the phone goes dead every time I call. That does not bode well. Naturally, I'm hesitating calling a third. What if she's a jerk too? I don't want to give my money to a jerk! I don't want to be spilling my guts with my silly insecurities and frustrations to a jerk!
I don't know if I should just start calling down the Insurance company's list of mental health providers or what. But then it's the whole 'This person is a total stranger' thing, but I guess it has to start somewhere, right?
Some days I think it's ok but then I completely sabotage myself. So, I don't know. I really don't.
Again, I woke up disappointed because my hair was still short.
I've also been staring at this Therapist phone number for a couple of weeks now. So, I called the therapist that was recommended to me and after 2 days of telephone tag, we got a hold of one another and she said 'Oh, I don't have evening hours for you and I don't take your insurance. By the way, what you're feeling is normal'.
Uhm.
Gee.
Yes, I know it's normal after what I've gone through. IT DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY EASIER TO DEAL WITH!!! Intellectually, I know it's normal. Intellectually, I know that it's something that needs to be fixed. Intellectually, I know how silly it is to be feeling all of this because it's just not true. Emotionally, I'm a wreck. Isn't it the therapist's job to help with the whole Emotional part?
So I've tried calling one person she recommended and the phone goes dead every time I call. That does not bode well. Naturally, I'm hesitating calling a third. What if she's a jerk too? I don't want to give my money to a jerk! I don't want to be spilling my guts with my silly insecurities and frustrations to a jerk!
I don't know if I should just start calling down the Insurance company's list of mental health providers or what. But then it's the whole 'This person is a total stranger' thing, but I guess it has to start somewhere, right?
Some days I think it's ok but then I completely sabotage myself. So, I don't know. I really don't.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
It is OFFICIALLY DONE!!!
The last Herceptin treatment was on Monday, March 7th (the day after my birthday). To celebrate, my dad took me and my sisters to Orlando for the week before(my sisters came down on Thursday-Sunday) to celebrate. That's a whole other post, but I had a really fun time and am TOTALLY in love with Hogsmeade at Universal Studios. I also got some amazing pictures of Disney characters in Topiary form and butterflies from Epcot's Garden Festival. I got to spend a day with one of my best friends from HS who lives down there and his lovely wife who is just adorable and sweet! I got to run around the parks with my dad who is an amazing sport for going on roller coasters with me, and my sisters...who whined most of the time, but it was good to see them.
So, back to the whole 'IT'S DONE!' thing!
Monday, 3/7 was the last Herceptin treatment. I got to talk to the oncologist for a little bit and she told me to make an official appointment for a '3 month checkup' in April. Of course, I left my water bottle there...meh. But that was done! I then got to schedule the port removal! That was scheduled, after going back and forth due to other appointments, on Monday, 3/11.
I went for my yearly checkup to my PCP on Wednesday and we chatted about it and she was very glad I was done as well! I can't imagine that it's easy for any physician to give such news and she even gave me her home number the weekend I was diagnosed if I wanted to talk and she would send me emails every now and then to check in. I appreciated it. She looked up my bloodwork -- aside from being anemic (no surprise there) everything looked good *knock wood*! Yay! On an unrelated note, I agreed to pay for/have a blood test done that would test non-anaphylactic allergies to 96 foods. It might be nice to see what could have been giving me my tummy issues for the last 25 years. I should get those results next week or so.
On Saturday I went for my second-to-last Echo (I hope)...one more in 3 months to make sure that the Herceptin didn't mess up my heart. Then, on 3/11 I went in to get the port removed!!! They had a really hard time getting an IV in (which is why I had the port in the first place) and ended up having to use my hand and some Lidocaine (I always think of Iocane) and topical numbing agents to get the stupid needle in. The surgeon asked if I wanted to keep the port and I told him he could burn the thing. Now I'm sore but port free!!! It's done!!! Afterwards, I made my appointment in April, said goodbye to my Oncology nurse and promised to come visit and even ran into the Social Worker on the way out! I did ask her for the name of a therapist and she gave me one...I need to give her a call. But it's done!!!
This morning, while my hair was still wet, I realized that the sides were now long enough to pull back with a bobby-pin...or in my case, a decorative bobby pin. Before, I could just stick the pin/clips in and they'd mostly stay, but the hair is actually pulled back!! That was actually really pleasant to discover.
So, it's DONE!!! I sincerely hope I never have to go through this again! Ever!
So, back to the whole 'IT'S DONE!' thing!
Monday, 3/7 was the last Herceptin treatment. I got to talk to the oncologist for a little bit and she told me to make an official appointment for a '3 month checkup' in April. Of course, I left my water bottle there...meh. But that was done! I then got to schedule the port removal! That was scheduled, after going back and forth due to other appointments, on Monday, 3/11.
I went for my yearly checkup to my PCP on Wednesday and we chatted about it and she was very glad I was done as well! I can't imagine that it's easy for any physician to give such news and she even gave me her home number the weekend I was diagnosed if I wanted to talk and she would send me emails every now and then to check in. I appreciated it. She looked up my bloodwork -- aside from being anemic (no surprise there) everything looked good *knock wood*! Yay! On an unrelated note, I agreed to pay for/have a blood test done that would test non-anaphylactic allergies to 96 foods. It might be nice to see what could have been giving me my tummy issues for the last 25 years. I should get those results next week or so.
On Saturday I went for my second-to-last Echo (I hope)...one more in 3 months to make sure that the Herceptin didn't mess up my heart. Then, on 3/11 I went in to get the port removed!!! They had a really hard time getting an IV in (which is why I had the port in the first place) and ended up having to use my hand and some Lidocaine (I always think of Iocane) and topical numbing agents to get the stupid needle in. The surgeon asked if I wanted to keep the port and I told him he could burn the thing. Now I'm sore but port free!!! It's done!!! Afterwards, I made my appointment in April, said goodbye to my Oncology nurse and promised to come visit and even ran into the Social Worker on the way out! I did ask her for the name of a therapist and she gave me one...I need to give her a call. But it's done!!!
This morning, while my hair was still wet, I realized that the sides were now long enough to pull back with a bobby-pin...or in my case, a decorative bobby pin. Before, I could just stick the pin/clips in and they'd mostly stay, but the hair is actually pulled back!! That was actually really pleasant to discover.
So, it's DONE!!! I sincerely hope I never have to go through this again! Ever!
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
The dreams are getting more frequent...
I think I've had at least 4 now...maybe 5.
The dreams tend to start out as dreams. Different events, different feel...but at one point in each of the dreams, I look into a mirror and realize 'Hey! My hair is long enough to style! It's long enough to pull back away from my face! It's long enough to pull up half and stick a barrette in it! It's long enough to pull into a ponytail!' It's a sudden and wonderfully joyful feeling when I go looking (still in my dream) for any barrette that might have survived my cats' boredom.
Then, I wake up and look in the mirror...and it's still short.
Do I like it short? Eh. I can't decide if I think it looks good or if it makes my face look too round. I know I don't like not being able to do anything with it. I just bought some 'surf wax' (for the hair) to help give it texture and bring out the curls, but it's not the same as having it really style-able.
It's also at the point where I am not seeing the growth. Last time, it was sort of an overnight thing. I went from feeling like I had nothing but peach-fuzz:
To feeling a little stylish:
To feeling like...it hasn't grown much since the top picture (which was taken over Thanksgiving). It has...it's longer, a little curlier, but it doesn't feel like it has. Granted, I felt like I woke up one day and it went from the peach fuzz to the longer hair.
Maybe it'll really be like in my dream and one day I'll wake up and it'll suddenly be long enough to pull back.
The dreams tend to start out as dreams. Different events, different feel...but at one point in each of the dreams, I look into a mirror and realize 'Hey! My hair is long enough to style! It's long enough to pull back away from my face! It's long enough to pull up half and stick a barrette in it! It's long enough to pull into a ponytail!' It's a sudden and wonderfully joyful feeling when I go looking (still in my dream) for any barrette that might have survived my cats' boredom.
Then, I wake up and look in the mirror...and it's still short.
Do I like it short? Eh. I can't decide if I think it looks good or if it makes my face look too round. I know I don't like not being able to do anything with it. I just bought some 'surf wax' (for the hair) to help give it texture and bring out the curls, but it's not the same as having it really style-able.
It's also at the point where I am not seeing the growth. Last time, it was sort of an overnight thing. I went from feeling like I had nothing but peach-fuzz:
To feeling a little stylish:
To feeling like...it hasn't grown much since the top picture (which was taken over Thanksgiving). It has...it's longer, a little curlier, but it doesn't feel like it has. Granted, I felt like I woke up one day and it went from the peach fuzz to the longer hair.
Maybe it'll really be like in my dream and one day I'll wake up and it'll suddenly be long enough to pull back.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
One-Year check-in.
So, there are a bunch of dates that I could have 'checked in' on...December 4th, the date of my diagnosis, December 11th, the date of the surgery...but I decided to write something on January 20th, the 1 year anniversary of when I started Chemotherapy.
I can't believe it was a year ago. It feels like it was a decade ago...or a couple months ago. But it's been an entire year today. My mom was by my side a year ago today and I had rehearsal that night for Cosi fan tutte despite having the port put in and having sat through 4 or 5 hours of chemo. My mom and I were talking to the nurses, to Beth, the Social Worker/Advocate, and the oncologist. We were planning what foods to get and what to do for dinner. We were planning the next couple of days and getting my long hair cut as short as I can get it and picking up my new, curly wig. We also planned getting new living room furniture and schlepping down to Jordan's and IKEA, depending on how I was feeling. We knitted a lot...I gave my mom a ton of yarn that I just hadn't used and didn't have projects for. She made me eat. I think I had some soup from Whole Foods that night and my mom thought that her chicken soup had chicken-hearts in it...until she cut a chunk open and saw that it was really just dark meat.
So. The yearly Mammogram was fine. The check up with the surgeon had her declaring 'You're at 110%! I don't think I've ever seen you looking this good!' The oncologist says things are fine. I'm participating in a Young Women's Breast Cancer study at Dana-Farber which means a few blood tests and lots of surveys. So far, so good!
I admit, the fear is less intense now. Some days, I don't even think about it until my boob hurts from my bra or something or I look down and see the scar. Every time I go into the hospital though, I do think about it. I don't need another mammogram for 6 months. My herceptin treatments will be over the beginning of March and the port can be removed. I'll probably have to check in ever 3 months with one doctor or another for the next 5 years.
My hair is now long enough to hold some barrettes and clips. I also found some headbands that I've been wearing to change things up a bit. My 'sideburns' can almost be brushed behind my ears and my bangs can almost be pulled back out of my face. For the longest time, I didn't feel like I was seeing any hair growth, but I am now and it's kind of a relief. I started crocheting flowers to add to barrettes but so far, the one that I made is HUGE! I think I need to use both smaller yarn and a smaller hook.
My weight is evening out, I think...with a bit of work and a bit of watching what I eat...and how much I eat. I haven't had as much time to hula-hoop lately (being sick also didn't help) but I'm enjoying that as a work-out. I feel like my clothes are finally fitting better.
Auditions haven't been going well so far. Aside from having to cancel one due to illness, I haven't landed anything I've auditioned for thus far. I'm still waiting to hear back from one place and have another audition tomorrow, so keep your fingers crossed! I have to wonder if it's the short hair...the fact that I feel chubby...or maybe my singing sucks now? I don't think it's the latter as I think my friends would tell me. Maybe I need to get new headshots? The thing is, I don't know that I'm going to keep the short hair. Part of me thinks it's cute but then I see myself in pictures and my face just looks round. Maybe I need to lose more weight? Maybe I just don't photograph well or need to stretch my neck or something?
Singing has been feeling ok of late. I feel like I have my stamina back (and then some) and I feel like the color is back. I have a consultation in New York tomorrow with another teacher and I'm curious as to what she's going to say about it.
The cats seem to be doing well! No snuggling yet, but they play a lot! Today, even, Jack played the 'tail game' with Chachi...a game that Maggie used to play with him! It was really very sweet. They've groomed each other a few times as well, but it always devolves into a wrestling match. Chachi is a hoot though -- what a funny cat! He is just full of personality!
I may be writing in here more as more 'Anniversaries' come about. I've had some time to reflect and I think it's time to put some other thoughts down. It was kind of nice -- I was at a party earlier this month and a friend said to me, "I think you handled what you went through better than anyone I've known. You basically said 'I don't have time for this!' and kept going!" Ok, so I paraphrased a little, but that was mostly it. I was also told by another friend that the party I threw in July was "So much fun!" and that I looked great in my sundress and giant earrings then. I admit, that party was one of the best times I think I ever had. It was so amazing seeing everyone who was able to show up and to know that they were there to support and celebrate me and what I had gone through. Even now, it makes me tear up a little just thinking about it. I have some amazing friends.
I'm also thinking about doing the Susan G. Komen 3-Day this year. My sisters have talked about coming up for it to walk with me and a shop owner has offered to sponsor me. It's a lot to think about and I'd need to start training soonish, I would think as 60 miles is a lot. But part of it is also giving back, I think. That, and I want to wear the awesome 'Team Aardvark' T-shirt that my sister had made for me for her race last year! Anyone else want to walk with me?
I should probably get going for now...I get to have an adventure this weekend. Keep your fingers crossed that it all goes well!!
I can't believe it was a year ago. It feels like it was a decade ago...or a couple months ago. But it's been an entire year today. My mom was by my side a year ago today and I had rehearsal that night for Cosi fan tutte despite having the port put in and having sat through 4 or 5 hours of chemo. My mom and I were talking to the nurses, to Beth, the Social Worker/Advocate, and the oncologist. We were planning what foods to get and what to do for dinner. We were planning the next couple of days and getting my long hair cut as short as I can get it and picking up my new, curly wig. We also planned getting new living room furniture and schlepping down to Jordan's and IKEA, depending on how I was feeling. We knitted a lot...I gave my mom a ton of yarn that I just hadn't used and didn't have projects for. She made me eat. I think I had some soup from Whole Foods that night and my mom thought that her chicken soup had chicken-hearts in it...until she cut a chunk open and saw that it was really just dark meat.
So. The yearly Mammogram was fine. The check up with the surgeon had her declaring 'You're at 110%! I don't think I've ever seen you looking this good!' The oncologist says things are fine. I'm participating in a Young Women's Breast Cancer study at Dana-Farber which means a few blood tests and lots of surveys. So far, so good!
I admit, the fear is less intense now. Some days, I don't even think about it until my boob hurts from my bra or something or I look down and see the scar. Every time I go into the hospital though, I do think about it. I don't need another mammogram for 6 months. My herceptin treatments will be over the beginning of March and the port can be removed. I'll probably have to check in ever 3 months with one doctor or another for the next 5 years.
My hair is now long enough to hold some barrettes and clips. I also found some headbands that I've been wearing to change things up a bit. My 'sideburns' can almost be brushed behind my ears and my bangs can almost be pulled back out of my face. For the longest time, I didn't feel like I was seeing any hair growth, but I am now and it's kind of a relief. I started crocheting flowers to add to barrettes but so far, the one that I made is HUGE! I think I need to use both smaller yarn and a smaller hook.
My weight is evening out, I think...with a bit of work and a bit of watching what I eat...and how much I eat. I haven't had as much time to hula-hoop lately (being sick also didn't help) but I'm enjoying that as a work-out. I feel like my clothes are finally fitting better.
Auditions haven't been going well so far. Aside from having to cancel one due to illness, I haven't landed anything I've auditioned for thus far. I'm still waiting to hear back from one place and have another audition tomorrow, so keep your fingers crossed! I have to wonder if it's the short hair...the fact that I feel chubby...or maybe my singing sucks now? I don't think it's the latter as I think my friends would tell me. Maybe I need to get new headshots? The thing is, I don't know that I'm going to keep the short hair. Part of me thinks it's cute but then I see myself in pictures and my face just looks round. Maybe I need to lose more weight? Maybe I just don't photograph well or need to stretch my neck or something?
Singing has been feeling ok of late. I feel like I have my stamina back (and then some) and I feel like the color is back. I have a consultation in New York tomorrow with another teacher and I'm curious as to what she's going to say about it.
The cats seem to be doing well! No snuggling yet, but they play a lot! Today, even, Jack played the 'tail game' with Chachi...a game that Maggie used to play with him! It was really very sweet. They've groomed each other a few times as well, but it always devolves into a wrestling match. Chachi is a hoot though -- what a funny cat! He is just full of personality!
I may be writing in here more as more 'Anniversaries' come about. I've had some time to reflect and I think it's time to put some other thoughts down. It was kind of nice -- I was at a party earlier this month and a friend said to me, "I think you handled what you went through better than anyone I've known. You basically said 'I don't have time for this!' and kept going!" Ok, so I paraphrased a little, but that was mostly it. I was also told by another friend that the party I threw in July was "So much fun!" and that I looked great in my sundress and giant earrings then. I admit, that party was one of the best times I think I ever had. It was so amazing seeing everyone who was able to show up and to know that they were there to support and celebrate me and what I had gone through. Even now, it makes me tear up a little just thinking about it. I have some amazing friends.
I'm also thinking about doing the Susan G. Komen 3-Day this year. My sisters have talked about coming up for it to walk with me and a shop owner has offered to sponsor me. It's a lot to think about and I'd need to start training soonish, I would think as 60 miles is a lot. But part of it is also giving back, I think. That, and I want to wear the awesome 'Team Aardvark' T-shirt that my sister had made for me for her race last year! Anyone else want to walk with me?
I should probably get going for now...I get to have an adventure this weekend. Keep your fingers crossed that it all goes well!!
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