In a bad mood.

Part of the reason for this is that I am exhausted.

Another part is that it's really, REALLY hot out and I have no AC.

Yet another is that I am sitting at the Reception desk at work when I have work that I need to get done.

Probably the main reason right now though, is the fact that I'm being very vain...when I know that I shouldn't be. Yet, I am.

I'm doing summer concerts all summer...sometimes two in one week. Many of the locations do not have AC. This means that it's really very hot and stuffy. It also means that wearing my wig makes me even hotter.

Sure, I could go out without my wig. The hair isn't very long yet, but it covers my scalp. However, it doesn't look like a haircut. It LOOKS like I lost my hair and I don't like it.

I'm one week from being done with Radiation, but I don't seem to have enough hair for me to want to go out without some sort of head-covering. Why? I guess I don't want the stares. I guess I'm feeling self-conscious about it. I AM A STRONG WOMAN, DAMMIT!!! I shouldn't have to be shrinking back and nervous about vanity, yet I am.

I have a date this weekend...unless this one cancels on me too. It's supposed to be hot. It means that I either have to wear the wig and be extra hot or explain to him before we even meet face-to-face for the first time that 'By the way, I have short hair now. Really Short. I bet it's shorter than your's'.

It doesn't make me feel pretty. I know that the only person I need to feel pretty for is myself, but when one is single and hopeful, it's really hard to stay firm with that. If I already had a significant other who I knew wouldn't run at the sight of me, I'd probably feel different. But being single and sort of looking...and being a soprano trying to expand her career, the fact that I'm afraid of what people are going to think of my LOOKS is a real consideration. As it is, I feel weird sending out my headshot to places because I know my hair won't get back to that length for a couple of years. I'm afraid that when I walk out onto that stage for the first time this summer without my wig, there will be points and stares and whispers; that when I walk out for an audition without my wig, they'll whisper about my looks and not even listen to my voice or consider my acting...and then they'll not even consider me because my headshot is not an 'accurate representation'.

I didn't want to get interim headshots...I can't even do that for another few months when the hair is in more.

I hate feeling this vain and concerned about what other people think. I should be stronger than that, but it's been frustrating the hell out of me.

Edited to Add: Another reason why I'm in a bad mood -- the brand new voice recorder I got works great! However, the voice that comes out of it is not a voice that I like. I've tried it up close, I've tried it further back. The voice just doesn't sound pretty to me. It sounds...cool. Not at all warm. Not at all beautiful. Maybe I need to just deal and come to terms with the fact that I don't have a beautiful voice. The problem then comes in that people don't hire 'interesting' or 'cool' voices. They hire 'beautiful' and 'luscious' voices.