One-Year check-in.

So, there are a bunch of dates that I could have 'checked in' on...December 4th, the date of my diagnosis, December 11th, the date of the surgery...but I decided to write something on January 20th, the 1 year anniversary of when I started Chemotherapy.

I can't believe it was a year ago. It feels like it was a decade ago...or a couple months ago. But it's been an entire year today. My mom was by my side a year ago today and I had rehearsal that night for Cosi fan tutte despite having the port put in and having sat through 4 or 5 hours of chemo. My mom and I were talking to the nurses, to Beth, the Social Worker/Advocate, and the oncologist. We were planning what foods to get and what to do for dinner. We were planning the next couple of days and getting my long hair cut as short as I can get it and picking up my new, curly wig. We also planned getting new living room furniture and schlepping down to Jordan's and IKEA, depending on how I was feeling. We knitted a lot...I gave my mom a ton of yarn that I just hadn't used and didn't have projects for. She made me eat. I think I had some soup from Whole Foods that night and my mom thought that her chicken soup had chicken-hearts in it...until she cut a chunk open and saw that it was really just dark meat.

So. The yearly Mammogram was fine. The check up with the surgeon had her declaring 'You're at 110%! I don't think I've ever seen you looking this good!' The oncologist says things are fine. I'm participating in a Young Women's Breast Cancer study at Dana-Farber which means a few blood tests and lots of surveys. So far, so good!

I admit, the fear is less intense now. Some days, I don't even think about it until my boob hurts from my bra or something or I look down and see the scar. Every time I go into the hospital though, I do think about it. I don't need another mammogram for 6 months. My herceptin treatments will be over the beginning of March and the port can be removed. I'll probably have to check in ever 3 months with one doctor or another for the next 5 years.

My hair is now long enough to hold some barrettes and clips. I also found some headbands that I've been wearing to change things up a bit. My 'sideburns' can almost be brushed behind my ears and my bangs can almost be pulled back out of my face. For the longest time, I didn't feel like I was seeing any hair growth, but I am now and it's kind of a relief. I started crocheting flowers to add to barrettes but so far, the one that I made is HUGE! I think I need to use both smaller yarn and a smaller hook.

My weight is evening out, I think...with a bit of work and a bit of watching what I eat...and how much I eat. I haven't had as much time to hula-hoop lately (being sick also didn't help) but I'm enjoying that as a work-out. I feel like my clothes are finally fitting better.

Auditions haven't been going well so far. Aside from having to cancel one due to illness, I haven't landed anything I've auditioned for thus far. I'm still waiting to hear back from one place and have another audition tomorrow, so keep your fingers crossed! I have to wonder if it's the short hair...the fact that I feel chubby...or maybe my singing sucks now? I don't think it's the latter as I think my friends would tell me. Maybe I need to get new headshots? The thing is, I don't know that I'm going to keep the short hair. Part of me thinks it's cute but then I see myself in pictures and my face just looks round. Maybe I need to lose more weight? Maybe I just don't photograph well or need to stretch my neck or something?

Singing has been feeling ok of late. I feel like I have my stamina back (and then some) and I feel like the color is back. I have a consultation in New York tomorrow with another teacher and I'm curious as to what she's going to say about it.

The cats seem to be doing well! No snuggling yet, but they play a lot! Today, even, Jack played the 'tail game' with Chachi...a game that Maggie used to play with him! It was really very sweet. They've groomed each other a few times as well, but it always devolves into a wrestling match. Chachi is a hoot though -- what a funny cat! He is just full of personality!

I may be writing in here more as more 'Anniversaries' come about. I've had some time to reflect and I think it's time to put some other thoughts down. It was kind of nice -- I was at a party earlier this month and a friend said to me, "I think you handled what you went through better than anyone I've known. You basically said 'I don't have time for this!' and kept going!" Ok, so I paraphrased a little, but that was mostly it. I was also told by another friend that the party I threw in July was "So much fun!" and that I looked great in my sundress and giant earrings then. I admit, that party was one of the best times I think I ever had. It was so amazing seeing everyone who was able to show up and to know that they were there to support and celebrate me and what I had gone through. Even now, it makes me tear up a little just thinking about it. I have some amazing friends.

I'm also thinking about doing the Susan G. Komen 3-Day this year. My sisters have talked about coming up for it to walk with me and a shop owner has offered to sponsor me. It's a lot to think about and I'd need to start training soonish, I would think as 60 miles is a lot. But part of it is also giving back, I think. That, and I want to wear the awesome 'Team Aardvark' T-shirt that my sister had made for me for her race last year! Anyone else want to walk with me?

I should probably get going for now...I get to have an adventure this weekend. Keep your fingers crossed that it all goes well!!