Progress...

...in a couple of areas.

Last night, I had my first coaching since 'Cosi' closed. I was a little concerned about getting through it energy and stamina-wise since when I sang on Friday, I could barely make it through a phrase without having to catch my breath. I think, however, I am going to pin that on the muscle pain since that really did sap my energy (should be fun for show weekends!). First, my coach asked me with a bit of surprise, 'Is that a wig?' to which I responded, 'Yes,' and he said, 'It's a really good one!'. So...yay! It needs to be washed though...I think that will be done tonight if I don't get distracted.

Anyhow, the best part about this was that I brought in 'Or sai chi l'onore' from Don Giovanni, an aria that is one that I need to learn (as I am learning the role) and one that I had been worried about as it was feeling kind of screamy to me. Screamy is bad. It doesn't help that the tessitura of this piece is all in the passagio and above with a lot of High A's. But I sang though it once and my coach looked at me and said, 'You sound really good!' HOORAY! He didn't say that the aria sounded screamy...if anything, he said it was a touch held back, but that was understandable. So we worked on it some and I made it through the hour coaching (of 2 rather tough arias) which felt fantastic!!! I set up another coaching for the end of April.

I guess it's just really comforting and a huge relief that all of this isn't affecting my singing detrimentally *knock wood*. The cough wasn't helping (it's getting much better now) of course, but I know I'll get my stamina back. Hell, I made it through Cosi fan tutte after having done 2 rounds of chemo! I can do this!

The other bit of progress is with the cats! When I got home last night, I gave Jack some attention (and a new catnip toy) and then let Chachi out of the room. Jack hid for the bulk of the night so Chachi had the run of the place...let me tell you, that cat is a nut! I think he and Jack will definitely get along once they get used to each other because, aside from not freaking out around another cat, they seem to be very similar in personalities. Chachi is very inquisitive and loves to play...he even started batting around the toy mice! He then snuggled with me for a bit and later in the evening Jack came out. The first time, he made it all the way to the sofa where Chachi and I were sitting before he hissed and ran away. He did this a second time (minus the hissing) so I'm hoping that he'll soon start coming out and getting to know Chachi without the growls and hisses. When I went to bed, Chachi went back into his room while I read and let Jack know that it was ok for him to come out. He slept on the bed with me all night and we snuggled in the morning before I had to get up.

Also, Jack is refusing to eat any of the wet food besides the Wellness. I may have to call the vet about that...he'll still eat the prescription dry food, but he isn't having any of the prescription or Science Diet wet food. Such a picky cat!

Introducing cats is hard!!!

So I brought Chachi(?) out today in his carrier for Jack to look at...Jack wasn't terribly pleased, but he was also sort of curious.

Chachi was out for a good deal today with Jack stalking and growling after him. When Chachi got a little too forward and tried to play and there was some nasty howling going on, I removed him back into his room. Jack is now sulking and Chachi wants out. I'll try again tomorrow when I get home from work and see how they do.

Meanwhile, Jack isn't terribly happy with his food, which is frustrating me a bit. I know that he'll eat if/when he's hungry, but it still frustrates me. I guess I shouldn't be so surprised that I, of all people, have a stubborn cat.

The aches are pretty much gone, but I spent the day inside and in my pajamas due to being tired. I have a busy week coming up and I want to make sure I have the energy for it. I really hope that I can make it through my coaching tomorrow. I seemed to be in better shape when I sang yesterday, so I do have to wonder if part of the exhaustion issues was from the aches. That's going to suck during the weeks where I have shows, but I'll just have to get through it and deal.

I almost forgot! Passover starts tomorrow night and I honestly don't know if I can do the whole 'no leavened bread' thing right now since that seems to be a staple sort of thing right now for me. During Passovers past, I'm rarely full since I feel fairly limited in what I can eat and right now, eating salads is sort of out, sadly. I know that an exception is made when one is ill, so maybe this falls under that. I am looking forward to matzoh ball soup though.

The new side effects started showing.

They really started on Thursday when I noticed that I would get these really sharp flashes of pain in my hips, knees, and legs. I took a leftover Tylenol with Coedine that night...which helped, but the pain continued through Friday. In fact, Friday night, I took about an hour nap and woke up writhing in pain. Not fun. Another Tylenol with Coedine was taken and I went to bed.

Today, there are a few twinges, but it's much more tolerable. I hope that means that it's fading. I hope that it's not this bad every time or that it doesn't get worse or I'll need something stronger.

I did a cattle-call audition today (didn't realize it was one...blech) which was pretty good...although the audition wasn't so hot and I was the oldest women in the room by about 8 years or so. I did not get a callback, which is probably for the best as the rehearsal schedule was going to be rather tight with my other commitments. But I wanted to try and I'm glad I got out there. On the way home, I stopped by a local knitting shop where apparently they found the peacock feather earring I lost on Saturday! Whoda thunk?!?

So far, there is cat progress...they have seen each other with minimal hissing/growling and Jack even came into the other cat's 'room' to explore a bit. It's a little stinky since it's an enclosed area with another litter box, but I'm hoping that once the box is out where there is more air circulation, the smelly will stop. The names for the other cat are now between 'Chachi' and 'Oscar'...he's rather messy.

That's the state of things right now. I hope that the twinges are much less tomorrow and I may actually let the other cat out to explore some.

And here he is!!!

That's the new kitty!! So far, he is INCREDIBLY affectionate...so much so that I'm considering naming him 'Herbie'(the Love Bug). I do also think that 'Dino' is a good name too (after Dean Martin). Jack isn't too keen on him right now...there is a bit of hissing and growling and grumbling at the door. Whenever he sees the other cat through the door, it gets a little louder and he runs away, but it hasn't even been 24 hours yet. I should have some time this weekend and tomorrow to supervise some more meetings. In the meanwhile, I'm just spending time in the room with the other kitty...and he just loves that! I settled down in the bed for a bit and he just curled up right next to me, purring and kneading and falling asleep. I hope Jack will come around...I think he will, with time. It took Maggie a while to get used to him in the beginning too.

Physically, I'm tired (no surprise) and achy, but I did take a tylenol and that seemed to help. It's mostly in my knees and hips...last night it was in my lower back some too, but that seems to have gone, thank goodness. I've been hungrier, even though I don't really -want- to eat, but it helps to remind me that I -need- to eat. Luckily, though, I didn't feel much of a steroid crash...hopefully it isn't in the days to come, but I would think that by now, the steroids that I took Sunday and Monday would be out of my system.

The cough seems to be getting a little better, as is the goop still left over from being sick a couple of weeks ago. I found a colony of those Mucinex guys living in my sinuses this morning and I hope that they're mostly gone by now...ewwww.

Trying not to jinx anything...

But so far so good...I'm feeling ok right now. I even had a burrito and a soda today...food I don't usually eat and haven't wanted to eat in a while. My cough is still around, but more like it was before so hopefully it'll give my poor cords a chance to heal up so I can sing.

I also may have a new buddy to bring home tomorrow...I really hope that I don't get another phone call tomorrow saying I can't bring him home!

Today was actually rather full as I had to mail a couple of projects out; one was a knitting project for my aunt (for which I will be nicely compensated) and another is for a Recycled Art project for my High School. My mom and I then went to a local knitting shop where she bought some yarn for me to make her a shawlette and a sweater. We then went to the MSPCA to meet a few cats, went to AC Moore to get buttons (we ended up with beads) for my Owl sweater and then had to come home. I was beat...mom was beat...and I think I did rather well for the day after a treatment.

I'm hoping that tomorrow is just as good!

Highs and Lows and Anxiety

So, my mom came in on Thursday night and Friday I took some personal time and she, I, and Beth went shopping. Beth found stuff...I found a knit dress...we had dinner and then went home.

Saturday, we drove around, ran some errands, and decided it was so gorgeous that we'd have to go to Salem. We did...bummed around...I bought some tagua nut buttons in pink and purple, and then we came back and I went to look at a kitten. He was adorable...very playful and seemed to like me well enough, but I wanted to see who was at the shelter who needed a home.

Sunday, we went to the Animal Rescue League of Boston and I looked at 4 cats...the 4th was THE cat! A 4 year old female who decided I was her human! I was all set and excited to be taking her home on Tuesday after her spaying on Monday. Thing is, I got a call today from the shelter. Turns out that before she was to be spayed, the vet found a heart murmur. This meant that I would have to pay for an echocardiogram (about $300-$400 or more) before she could even be spayed...and if she had heart disease, who knows what her life span would be? So sadly, she won't be coming home with me. This makes me terribly sad. Tomorrow we're going to go to the MSPCA to see if we can find a new buddy. If not, I may go back to the kitten.

Today was the new treatment of Taxol and Herceptin. I took my 10 pills of decadron the night before (blech) and they gave me half the dose of Benadryl and apparently I did not have the allergic reaction. The Herceptin one also went fairly well, I guess...the thing is, all of the side-effects would show within the next 3-4 days. Some of them are kind of scary in that they could hurt my heart, but apparently my echocardiogram was ok, so keep your fingers crossed! It was just a very long session...we were there by about 9:15am and didn't get out until after 3:30pm.

Finally! A real person!

I finally got to speak, at length, to the oncologist!

Regarding the decadron, there is nothing she can replace it with. She knows how badly I crashed even on a taper of the lighter dose of it but apparently the decadron is the only thing that can help prevent possible anaphylactic (sp?) shock. So...yeah. The good news is, the crash may be on that Tuesday, so I will have my mom (and subsequent chemo buddies) with me. My only concern is if it goes past that...but we won't know until we see what happens.

She is going to check and see if she can use something other than the Benadryl though since I have the adverse reaction to it. I'm less concerned about being hyper-awake for the 6 1/2 hours during the treatment than I am about the steroid crash.

I also asked about the cough and she said I could have some low-level allergic reaction to the Cytoxin, which can manifest in the lungs. Good thing is, no more Cytoxin! Bad thing is...it sometimes takes weeks to months to clear up. The treatment that they usually give, however. is STEROIDS...so maybe when I take the butt-load of decadron on Sunday, it'll help clear things up! If not, then we'll know that it's not that and I'll get to go to my PCP to figure it out.

My echocardiogram that I got yesterday was 'perfect'...no effects from the Adriamycin, which is a good thing.

On a completely unrelated note, I met the kitten last night. Unfortunately, she really had no interest in me at all, which was kind of sad for me, but 1) she is a cat, and 2) not all cats are for all people. I'm going to go looking at a couple other shelters this weekend, particularly the Animal Rescue League and maybe the MSPCA because those aren't no-kill shelters. I'm really beginning to think that I want a cat that's around a year old or so...this way, I can rescue a sweet cat that might not otherwise get a chance. I wish I could rescue an older cat, but I just don't think that I can right now. There were some at the ARL that looked really promising, including one that reminded me so much of Maggie in her expression! I wish I could provide links, but if you go to Animal Rescue League of Boston, click on 'Cat' and then 'Female' and these are the ones I'm interested in (in no particular order):

Harmonica
Fanny
Tammy
The pretty grey, splotchy kitty below Tammy (Apricot)
Baby
Candy
Miss Marple
Cowbell (black and white kitty on page 3)
Maya (below Cowbell)
Susie (no picture)
Dallas

So I will either go Saturday or Sunday to look at them...and we'll see, I guess!

I'm melting! Mmmmeeeelllltttiiinnggggg!

Ok, maybe not so much melting, but I'm shrinking, girth-wise.

Now, I think most women are always looking to lose some weight...stupid media and such. I also recognize that about 9 years ago, when I left Grad School, I gained a bit of weight...but I needed to do so. I was only about 107 in Grad School and a size 0/2...and it was a little too small for me. I got to close to 120 and a size 4...and sort of stayed there, although I did end up balancing between about 116-118. I stayed at a pretty solid size 4 though and was happy with that.

Now all my clothes are too big! I don't know my weight, but I measured my waist about 2 weeks ago or so and it went from a 28 1/2" to a 27/" waist...and none of my bottoms fit right now. I might have shrunk a size there...from a 4 to a 2 and it doesn't help that I don't have much hip to begin with. When I get down this small though, they sort of seem to disappear, which makes wearing clothes kind of hard as women's clothing are often cut to show off curves!

I'm rather happy with the smaller waist and flatter abdomen, but this is not how I want to tone! I didn't want to lose actual weight, see...just get muscle tone...which I can't really do because even walking up a flight of stairs can wind me most of the time. How am I supposed to exercise???

I'll probably gain the weight back once my appetite returns, but I hope I don't lose too much more in the next couple of months or I'll start looking skeletal!


Oh! So, the oncologist never called me back yesterday...and when I called again this morning to ask for her (turns out she isn't in today...grrrrrrr) the receptionist seemed very surprised that she didn't call me back! Apparently, she will be paged.

A weekend in pajamas.

So, after the whole ER debacle on Friday, I canceled my engagements this weekend and decided to just sort of lay low and heal up. Saturday, I slept in some until about 10:30am and had a temp of 98.6...not my usual temperature, but still well within 'normal'. II didn't change out of my pajamas and watched about 4 'teen' movies, including one of the 'Bring it on' sequels which, while predictable, was kind of cute.

Sunday I did much the same thing after scrambling to deal with some NEGASS issues -- I'm glad it all worked out, but gaah...I wish I could have been there to help!! I watched a few wedding show marathons and knitted (finished a shrug) -- I did spend a few hours helping my aunt with a project she was hired to knit, but the pattern was all messed up. So I broke it down, fixed it, and after about 4 or 5 phone calls, she decided that -I- would be the one to knit it and send it back to the person...and in the end, -I- would get the check! Hey, I can deal with that! I ordered the yarn, am having it express-shipped to me, so I should have it, I hope, by the middle of this week so that at the very worst, I can get this out by Monday.

Temp was down to normal.

I have a lot of phone calls to make tomorrow -- need to call one of the vets to see how much an eye consultation is going to be for Jack, and I need to call my oncologist. I'm kind of pissed off at her right now. When I told her about my coughing, she never explained or even offered up the possibility that it could actually be a rare side effect of the adriamycin. I have never wheezed before, but now, I am wheezing. I hope that this has not permanently damaged my lungs (although my chest x-ray on Friday was clear so one hopes that it will be ok). However, I am of the opinion that she could have considered this when I told her about the cough I had in January after the first treatment! That cough has not gone away! I also need to talk to her about the decadron steroid that I am supposed to take for the next round. I apparently have a pretty significant crash from the decadron, even when it has been tapered. I am also very nervous about sitting in a chair for 6 1/2 hours after getting a fairly high dose of Benadryl. While it may put most people to sleep, I have an adverse reaction where I get hyper. It's why Nyquil keeps me awake at night. So, I might not be bouncing, but I might be...I just don't know. I want to know if there is ANYTHING else that they can give me instead of those. One of the nurses mentioned giving me an Ativan, but I am NOT going to take a 'downer' after taking an 'upper'! She is also supposed to schedule an echocardiogram for me before I start taking chemo treatments that could damage my heart...yet I haven't heard from her about it.

So yeah. I'm not terribly happy right now...and she was out of town, on vacation, during my last chemo treatment when I had a bunch of questions for her (not to mention when I was in the ER, but she didn't know that).

I canceled any non-work commitment tomorrow (unless they call me to look at the kitten!) since I just need to take it easy before I go back to rehearsal on Wednesday. I also scheduled a coaching for Thursday, so hopefully I'll be over this congestion by then.

Mom is coming back Friday evening! I guess I should really clean up some. I meant to do so today, but sort of got stuck on the sofa...where I am now with a warm, fuzzy, purry cat. Poor Jack...either he was really sick of having me around today, or he's really lonely. I'm working on it though!

On another note...sort of, I've been sort of mulling over this for a while. I remember thinking, over the last few years, how lucky my family was not to have to deal with some sort of medical thing like, say, Breast Cancer. Maybe I jinxed it, but I would think about that and then pray that God would keep my family and loved ones safe, healthy, and happy. I didn't want to feel selfish by asking it for myself...but I do love myself (most of the time) so I hoped that I would be included. Then this happens and I'm forced to go through something that hurts my family and loved ones, and something that hurts me...not just my body, but my sense of self. I really hate that I've been forced to a point where I DON'T like myself. I DON'T like my self-image. I DON'T feel attractive. I'm sad, I'm lonely, and I'm forced to be ill for 4 months solid. I'm sure I'm not the first person to wonder 'why?' and I guess I should be glad that it's not any worse. I sincerely hope that it doesn't get any worse. I pray that it doesn't get worse. I really hate that I don't really enjoy eating much of anything right now...I hate that I don't enjoy sweets. I hate that a lot of things that I really enjoyed and things that made me happy (not that I used food to gauge happiness, but sometimes ice cream does boost one's mood) don't anymore. I haven't been singing much, mostly because I've either been sick from chemo or sick from a cold. The one day I did get to practice a couple of weeks ago felt fantastic -- everything seemed to work right in all of my trouble repertoire. I think that singing in 'Cosi' was a big help in that...like Michelle said, it really helped me find my real voice so now I can apply it to all of my repertoire. But I haven't sung since that day because I've felt too ill. I REALLY HATE that I've felt too ill to sing.

I'm not really angry at myself...I'm angry in general which is, I guess, better than giving in to the temptation of defeat. I just hope that once this is over, things will get back to normal and I'll be able to be happy again...that I'll be able to like myself again. I really do miss myself.

So, I never want to do this again.

My fever didn't really go down too much today so at 2:30pm I took myself to the Emergency Room. I was apparently dehydrated and had a temp of 101.4 when I got there so over the course of about three and a half hours, they did a lot of blood tests, stuck me in a room, gave me a ton of saline, had me pee in a cup...and then sent me home with antibiotics.

Apparently my white blood cell count was really high, which was good...but also apparently indicated that my body was fighting something off. They thought that it was either an infection (my sinuses were hating me) or some thing that affects the pleura, which would make sense as I've pretty much been coughing non-stop since I started chemo. The doctor there explained that it was a common side effect of the Adriamycin...hello, why didn't my oncologist tell me this too??

So I'm now at home...just took my temp (98.6) and will be taking it easy this weekend. Hopefully with the antibiotics, this will go through me quickly and I'll be well again soon.

But I hope I never have to go to the ER again.

Having a cold and dealing with chemo = NOT FUN!

As if it's not bad enough that I already feel tired and achy and don't want to eat...I now have a cold on top of it. No fever...at least, nothing more than .3 degrees, so I don't have to worry about that. I just don't like the re-emergence of the Cough from Hell and a stuffed up nose and head. I'm rather glad I don't have to be doing any singing until this weekend (and even that's just in sing-along mode).

On another note, the kitten, Sparrow, who I wanted to meet, has been adopted. Yay for her...sad for me. I have since asked about Harrison but haven't heard back. They have another kitten, but she's out in the Amherst adoption center and I think that's too far for me to go.

If Harrison doesn't work out, I'm going to go to the Animal Rescue League of Boston, where I got Jack, as they had about 3 or 4 cats (between 6 months and a year) that looked promising. I'm kind of hoping to bring a cat home the weekend of the 20th since I know I'll be around for at least three days to keep an eye out on things. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. There's an adoption day at a local pet store on the 20th and I figured I'd see if they would be bringing any of the kittens by. I'm still waiting for a response to my email.

I just hope I can kick this cold by this weekend...I have way too much to do!


On another note, I am really happy that my family is getting a chance to meet some of my friends up here. I know that they worry for me and it makes me feel great when they see what fantastic folks I have around me.

Half way there, baby!!!

So, today was the last of the Adriamycin/Cytoxin treatment!!! Millie was there as my nurse again and Liddy came with me...we watched 'You've Got Mail' and the beginning of 'The Sound of Music' before it was over. I talked to Millie and to the social worker, Beth, about a couple of things: Beth will be looking for a therapist to recommend to me and we talked about the next round.

According to Sarah, there's a lot of decadron to take which does cause a crash a couple of days after the treatment. I hated the crash the first time, so I've avoided decadron since. Hearing all this did not make me happy and I was hoping to talk to the oncologist, but she's on vacation this week. I'll talk to her Monday about it, but Millie and Beth seemed to think that maybe we could do some sort of a taper, but the Taxol can cause some bad allergic reaction so the decadron helps to prevent that.

Bleh.

After that, Liddy and I came home for a few minutes before going back to the vet to pick up Jack who finally got his urine sample taken and his rabies shot, which was long overdue. Still no word on the other cat, but I emailed.

Tomorrow we'll see how I feel, but we may go to one of the malls...I have a couple of coupons and want to look and see what's out there. I'm loving this warmer weather though, but haven't put my winter coat away just yet.

I'm trying to keep on eating...Liddy made some AMAZING chicken noodle soup for dinner and I have a ton left over...need to find tupperware so I can freeze it. I think when DeeDee comes up, we may need to make some matzoh ball soup!

Happy Birthday to me!!!

Ok, so I'm posting after midnight, so technically it's not my birthday anymore...but still. Happy Birthday to me!

My sister (Elizabeth) flew in from VA today to stay with me through Wednesday...and to be my chemo buddy for the last in this round! Almost half-way there! Sadly though, she either has a cold or an allergy attack so we're both being careful (and she's wearing a mask when she's in my apartment). We'll see how she feels tomorrow.

I was surprised by Hope, Chad, Karen, and Adam who sent me a lovely birthday bouquet with a big, purple rose in the middle of it! My sister and I then went downtown where I dragged her to Windsor Button (yarn store) where I finally used the gift certificate that Josh and Beth got me a year and a half ago...bought some buttons for the sweater that is almost finished and some more yarn that I needed/wanted for another project. We grabbed a snack and came home (we walked to and from Davis and I wanted to get home before it got dark), I took a nap, and we went back out to the Garment District because I needed some neckties for another project. Got those...and we went to get some dinner. She got me a red velvet cupcake as a 'Birthday cake' and actually, for the first time, I tasted the cocoa in the red velvet cake! It was quite good!

After that, we came home, watched 'Grease' on TV (the uncut version! Amazing!) and she went to bed...and I am up watching 'Grease 2' and typing this.

Tomorrow is Dim Sum and then 'Alice in Wonderland' before some shopping for Monday and next week. I also have to go by work because I forgot the shot that I have to take on Tuesday there. Maybe tomorrow before shopping since it's not too far from the Whole Foods.

I had a few really nice conversations with my sister...one of them was about self-esteem. She seemed concerned about mine and I tried really hard to assure her that normally, it's pretty good. Normally, I like how I look, but right now, I don't. It's a temporary thing, I'm very sure (I've had two people last week telling me how much they loved my short hair and that I really should keep it that way even once it's grown back...still don't know about that) and that I appreciate her worry, but she really doesn't need to. I'm hoping that it helped ease her concerns some.

I found something that I thought about getting for my Birthday, but it's kind of frivolous and expensive...and I really would like to try and save up for an Eiderol R-09 recorder...so I don't know if I'm going to get it. But it's really pretty cool.

No word yet on Sparrow, but I have been pre-approved to adopt from this particular shelter. If I don't get her then they have another adoption event on March 20th that I might go to if there aren't any other cats to meet before then.

So, that was my birthday! Not as depressing as I thought it might have been...I'm really glad my sister was here to share it with me.

Just continuing...

Got Jack in the carrier when I got home...the growling and howling was horrendous...until we got outside. Then it became the most pitiful meows! Nice try, cat...but I'm impressed he tried the different tactics!

Of course, when we got the vet, his bladder was empty. All that trouble and they couldn't do anything! So, my sister and I are going to try some things this weekend and if that doesn't work, he goes back to the vet on Monday, before chemo, and I will pick him up after chemo.

He seems to be acting fine now *knock wood* and especially likes his new dry food.

On another note, my other sister put something up on my Facebook wall that I sort of felt like I had to question. She said something about my 'strength' and I asked her some about it and explained that I don't particularly feel 'strong'. I don't feel like I'm doing anything different...aside from feeling like crap more often than usual and taking more naps than I usually would. But my sister explained to me that it's just that mentality that she is using when she talks about 'strength' -- that I won't let this stop me.

Well, of course I won't! If I did that, I'd be poor, fat, and miserable! Ok, well, I'm sort of miserable (more sad and frustrated and uncomfortable) and I guess I'm not fat since apparently I've lost a little over an inch in my waist, and I'm trying not to be poor. But she meant that I'm still going about my life as normally as I can, I think, and that was strength to her. Hey, I'm find if they want to see it like that...I just don't feel it.

I just want this thing to be over and done with. I know we're almost half-way done, but I don't know how I'm going to get through two more months of this. I kind of hate the way I look (although I like having a 27" waist again...it means, though, that now all of my pants are too big because apparently I lost girth in my hips too...which held the pants up!), I'm lonely, I don't have an appetite for the foods that make me happy (I know, food shouldn't make anyone happy, but I dare anyone to try being unhappy while eating ice cream!), I don't have much spending money, the portocath is the most annoying thing EVER...all that fun stuff that will probably continue at least through May 3rd (or beyond). None of that is really in my control, either, so I can't go FIX it.

I've felt like this before and it usually passes. I'm sure this will too and it's probably also not all in my control. But I just don't feel 'Strong' and I'm kind of surprised that people are seeing it. I know we're often blind to ourselves and I'm guessing that this is one of those things. Maybe I'm pre-menstrual (such as it is).

Maybe strength is something we, ourselves, don't see? Maybe my self-esteem is so low right now that any sort of compliment is going to just be met with negativity? If so, I'm sorry...I don't mean it.

Yesterday's saga...

So, I woke up and Jack, who was curled up on me, started meowing very insistently at me before he got off of the bed. I noticed that he was moving a little slower than he usually does and when he rolled over on his side, he seemed uncomfortable. So, amazingly enough, I stuffed him into the cat carrier and trekked off to the vet, hoping that it was just a UTI or something like that.

He pee'd in the carrier and was examined by the vet who said that yes, he had crystals in his bladder. He also may have something going on with his eyes, but it probably wasn't related. I took him back home with medicine, special food, and about a cup and a half of plastic pellet 'litter' which I was to try to get him to pee in so I could get a sample with a syringe. Thing is, Jack didn't want to use that litter! I came home from work...no pee. I came home from gaming...no pee. This morning...no pee.

So, I called the vet again and they suggested bringing him in so they can get a sample by using a fine needle. So I go to get him into the carrier...he is not having it, almost takes off my face and goes to hide. Knowing that I won't be able to get him out of his hiding spot, I call the vet again and they suggest trying this evening. Now, I have a feeling that Jack just hates the plastic litter and is not using the box out of spite, so I ask if I can put his normal litter back in the box. They say it's up to me. I do...and the moment the top is on the box, Jack comes streaking out of his hiding spot under my bed and into the litter box...and pees!

AUGH!

So the plan is to try and catch him tonight and bring him in to see if they can get a sample. Little brat. I KNEW he was just waiting! At least he's not blocked though.

Not what I need right now! At least when I got home, last night, and this morning, he was acting like his usual self...aside from not wanting to get in the carrier and not using the litter box.