Even my coach noticed...

...that I had lost weight. It doesn't sound like much, but I guess on someone who is small-framed and 5'2" 3-5 lbs makes a big difference. I've noticed it my clothes most definitely as nothing fits well but apparently my coach also noticed last night. Not only was the weight off of my body, but apparently there was some weight off of my voice as well. I don't quite know how I feel about that.

I brought in an aria from an upcoming audition...an aria that I hadn't really worked on since Grad school. We worked on it a bit, mostly correcting a couple of notes that were learned wrong and focusing on some stylistic things, but he did say to me something along the lines of, 'I'm impressed that your voice is moving so fast in this...it's lighter because you're lighter' and 'Don't expect this lighter coloratura to last once you gain your weight back'. I don't think that he was implying that I was heavy before in the least (I was still a size 4. I don't think in any world that is considered 'heavy') but I'm really surprised that those few pounds made such a difference vocally.

He did say that I was singing very well and with all that's been going on with my health and energy, the fact that I AM still singing well attests to the fact that I 'really know how to sing'. Finally...although I wished I knew this a few years earlier when I was of the age to be doing some of these programs! Oh well...there's a reason, I'm sure. Hearing from him that he thinks that I 'really know how to sing' does mean a lot, actually. I told him that I felt that doing Cosi was great for me vocally because I really had to figure out my instrument and use it to its fullest. It was also great for my morale!

It's going to be interesting to see what happens over the next few months once things start getting back to 'normal' post-chemo. I wonder how long it'll take for me to gain that weight back? If I keep eating like I do now, it might not be long.

On another side-effects note, the pain is almost gone. I just have the occasional 'twinges' here and there. I think I'm also feeling some of the neuropathy in my fingers and toes that is another typical side effect. My fingers and toes feel a little tingly (which was how they described it) which is a rather odd feeling. Hopefully that will go away soon as well.

The show must go on...

...even though I'm in a great deal of pain. Thanks to this last treatment and the re-addition of the Nulasta, I have been in a state of near-constant discomfort and pain for the last two days. I managed opening night and tonight ok, but I basically had no energy except for when I was on stage, I'm hoping I will be feeling much better tomorrow and I can deal with this one more time, right?

I did go out today -- went to get lunch at a burger place and then got cupcakes (where they were filming an episode of something for the Food Network! Woot!) before I came home and napped for an hour and a half.

I have to say, having a larger role right now would be really difficult to get through. I'm kind of glad that I had low responsibility for this show right now...even though it's not always been the case :). But it was these days that I was thinking of when I accepted the role.

Show Wig update...

Thank you everyone for your supportive words regarding the Wig Debacle of April, 2010. After talking with my wig buddies and such, I decided that I wasn't going to change wigs with everyone else there...and that I was going to take some of the wig matters into my own hands. When my 'Mob' wig proved to be too large, I just asked the costumer for a needle and thread and took it in. When my 'Ball' wig nearly got knocked off in the Gavotte (yes, Ms. Choreographer...THIS IS HOW THE DANCE IS SPELLED!!!), I asked for another needle and thread and took that wig in. When my 'Wedding/Prisoner' wig got messed up, I asked the wig ladies to please fix it. When the main wig lady asked me about my Mob wig last night and if it was still too big, I just told her 'It was, but I took it in myself'. She seemed surprised but also rather pleased that it was something she didn't have to do.

I have also been invited to help the costumers with other shows when they found out that I knew how to sew. I told them that it would depend on my schedule but I'm usually too busy to volunteer backstage. It was nice though!

It was very interesting last night during the show. I was in my Act II 'Ball' getup, which includes a lovely lavender ballgown, rhinestone dangly earrings, and a tall, curly white wig. I looked in the mirror as I was waiting to help someone with a costume change backstage and just thought, 'Wow. For the first time in months, I feel like I look like myself!' Maybe it was the fake eyelashes or the makeup or the fact that I wasn't really looking at my hair since it was so obviously a wig, but it looked like ME. I felt like I looked pretty for the first time in 4 months. It both felt nice and pretty depressing.

I'll get back there soon though...only one more to go and then my body can start getting back to where it should be. I plan on starting Biotin to help with the hair growth and with luck, I'll have some back before I have to do concerts this summer. I kind of don't want to wear the wig in places without air-conditioning if it's going to be a hot summer although at this point, it's hard to tell.

Only one more to go!!!

Had the 7th of 8 (or 3rd of 4) treatment on Tuesday (set off a day due to the Patriot's Day holiday here) and my sister, Deborah, was up with me. On Monday we went to Harvard Square, bummed around, and saw a double feature of 'The Dark Crystal' and 'Labyrinth'...my sister is such a trooper as those are NOT her kinds of movies.

Tuesday was interesting...they had trouble drawing blood from my port, but they finally got it...and apparently I am a little anemic and had to go back on the Nulasta to boost my White Blood Cell count again. I had some steak for dinner that night to try and get my red blood count back up too. I have vitamins with iron in them and need to remember to take them. That night we watched TV and hung out...the next morning I took her to the airport and I went back to bed. I also napped in the afternoon and Jack napped with me...all happy and snuggly and purry (as Chachi was in my room napping on my bed at the time).

Rehearsal was interesting...I didn't really feel the exhaustion until towards the end of the show. Waking up this morning was really pretty tough and I hope I can make it through tonight without any added caffeine.

The end is in sight! I wish I didn't have to deal with this port for the next year though...I really hate how it looks and feels.

Adding: Ok. I filled out the FMLA information as best as I could and I had my oncologist do so as well. When she asked what time I would be taking off, I said 'None' as I am using my sick time accrued over the last almost-4 years of taking only a couple of sick days a year. However, the Occupational Nurse then told me that my doctor needed to fill in how much time I would be taking off. I'M NOT TAKING ANY TIME OFF!!! Aside from a couple of appointments in May which may be an hour or so, tops, I will be taking 3 days off on May 3, 4, and 5, and then that's it! I don't need time off for 'treatment and recovery' other than what I've been using for sick time! My boss knows...they haven't had an issue with my schedule and I plan on making my radiation appointments for first thing in the morning so that it won't affect work!

Bleh. Just got off the phone with her and explained that I had only one more treatment left. She then decided not to place me on 'intermittent leave'. Hello...I didn't need it before...I don't need it now. Grrrrrrr.

Dignity and Trust

So, in the show that I'm doing that opens April 23rd, we have a lot of wigs. I, as a member of the ensemble, have 4 wigs alone (one is my Fiordiligi wig that I brought in as I know it fits me). Now, I posted earlier about how the folks were about letting me come in at 6pm, a half hour before everyone else, so I could try them on without the rest of the cast looking on. It would have worked, if the wig lady was actually there. Instead, I was third to get fitted (even though I was first to get there) although she did let me go into one of the private dressing rooms for it.

So, keeping the above in mind, we got an email about wigs (and we will be getting a lecture tonight)which said that we all needed to have a Wig Buddy -- someone who will help us with our wigs, pin them on, make sure they are straight, etc. We will also have multiple wig caps which we will need to change out depending on the wig.

It feels like all the sensitivity that was shown before was sort of stomped on and ground into the cement floor, you know?

I understand that they're assuming the worst and I understand their reasoning for this. However, I have also been wearing wigs almost non-stop since the middle of February and can feel when they're not on straight. Also, there is nothing to pin any wig on to...in fact, pinning it onto a wig cap might cause the cap to fall off!

It becomes an issue, for me, of dignity and trust. They don't know me...they don't know how I care for wigs and costumes. I get that. However, they do know that I'm very sensitive about being seen with my naked, bald head by everyone. I realize that we do have a couple fast changes and I know that it is probably going to be inevitable, but I was really hoping to deal with this on my own terms and not to have to be forced to have someone who would be staring at my head.

I don't know if I should say anything or just get a wig buddy who might be sensitive to this and ask them to please let me do my own thing and they can tell me if it's crooked. The more I think about it, the more upset I think I'm getting. They told us to bring one of our wigs for the lecture and I'm afraid that it's going to be some sort of hands-on demonstration with the entire cast present. Really, it's not something that I need. I'm also very hesitant when they say that they will just pin the wigs to the wig caps. Wig caps are notorious for being too big for my head and pinning weight on them really doesn't seem like the best way to keep them on.

What I'm really kind of upset over is that it feels like my dignity is really being forced from me. It's one thing for me to do this on my own terms and to decide how, but it feels like I'm really being forced into exposing something that really makes me very uncomfortable right now. It's not that I look hideous, but it's very startling and there are 3 teenagers in the cast who will probably stare and either whisper among themselves or...I don't know what. I'd say about half the cast knows...others might suspect. But I still want it to be on my terms...not something that I'm forced to do by a wig lady at a Community Theater.

To those of you who are in the show and may read this (you know who you are), I honestly have nothing against the show or the theater group or the woman doing the wigs.

About singing, girly stuff, and general mood...

...less about other things, although I'm much less achy today with only the occasional twinge. I really, really, REALLY dislike how easily fatigued I get, but I know that it'll improve. The thing is, I want it improved NOW.

That said, I went into Boston today to meet a friend briefly before schlepping over to the Conservatory to practice. I worked through some music, which felt good, but I really disliked that I was so tired while doing that. I could really feel my back muscles engaging though and really felt like I was doing a lot of work.

I don't like that.

Girly Stuff Here




I then decided to go to the lingerie store at Copley to ask about how they size when breasts are a little uneven. They did say that they size to the larger breast and if they're really uneven (like a couple of cup sizes) then they can do some tailoring or sew in some padding. Since my difference seems to be the difference between an E and a DD, it's pretty small. The saleslady also said that it's probably most noticeable to me and no one else would notice.

Well, the only one noticing my breasts right now IS me, so there we go.

Girly Stuff over

I then walked back to the T but thought about getting some Bubble Tea. Since Tealuxe was a block away, I thought to go there. When I got there, though, the line was almost out the door so I just left.

I had a lot of walking and thinking time and it really hit me that I'm pretty lonely right now. I know everyone says that the right guy will come along when I stop waiting and looking, but...I've stopped, I've started, I've looked online, I've looked offline...

And I'm still by myself.

It hit me pretty hard and I don't think I can do anything about it. Maybe some of it is the crap they've been putting in me. I don't know, but it's not a nice feeling. I'm trying to keep up hope, but the older I get and the longer I stay alone, the less hope I have.

On the good side though, singing through my 'hard' repertoire felt really good and Bolocco has come out with a 'mini' sized burrito which is a pretty perfect size for me. They also have a Nutella shake which they can make with soymilk...and those come in minis too!

It's better today.

Yesterday was pretty miserable, even after taking the Tylenol 3. I was not happy, but I got through it. Today is somewhat better...the pain is less constant, but it still flares randomly. But tomorrow it should be gone...for another week or so. It's not going to be fun dealing with it during the show, but I'll manage.

I'm wearing the red wig today...I think that the stylist cut the bangs a little short, but oh well.

And, before I forget, a slightly better picture of Chachi:

It was ok...until today.

Tuesday we went into Boston briefly to run a couple of errands before coming back. Wednesday was a little more easy-going and we got some work done before I had to go off to rehearsal and drop Barbara off at the train on the way.

This morning, I woke up in pain again. I decided that it felt like my kneecaps were trying to pull themselves away from my knees and legs. I'm at work now but not very happy about it and in quite a bit of discomfort. I did take 2 'regular' tylenol about 2 hours ago, so I think I'm going to try and take one of the ones with coedine in it now to see if that helps. I do have rehearsal tonight so that's going to be interesting.

I fear it's going to be the same thing tomorrow...but by Saturday I should be feeling much better. It's just going to be tough with these rehearsals, but it'll be good practice for Tech week, I guess.

Ugh.

3/4 done!

Only two more treatments left!!!

Barbara came with me today...we got there a few minutes late, but it was ok. Merri joined us not too soon after and we sat around, chatting, watching 'It Happened One Night' and such. I talked to the oncologist about how I felt last time -- with the muscle pains. She suggested that since my white blood cell counts were so high (28,000) that I not take the Nulasta shot this time and that might help with the pain. She also suggested that if it got to be bad, then I could take more of the Tylenol 3, just not when I have to drive in case more of the pills make me a little loopy. We'll see, I suppose. The stylist who was running the 'Look Good, Feel Better' session that day came in and helped me figure out new ways to style my curly wig and she also trimmed the bangs for my red wig so I can wear it and actually see! We talked some about eyelashes and eyebrows as well, but I don't know if I agree with her suggestions.

After we were done (at about 2:30) we walked around Porter Square some before Merri left and Barbara and I went to Davis and got some dinner and cupcakes. Then, back home, we watched 'Iron Man' and knitted. The cats are still not quite getting along yet...Jack is happy to be curious about Chachi as long as Chachi doesn't make eye contact.

So far, I'm feeling ok. I'm hoping that it lasts. I do need to get to sleep soonish though.

Tomorrow we're going to try to go into Boston briefly and I may try to get some work done as I brought some mailings home to put together.

Continued progress...

Jack is back to eating his food, especially since I put him back on Wellness. I'll just keep him on the Science Diet dry which he seems to like well enough (so much so that the other night he went to Chachi's food bowl and ate some of his!). Last night he was out quite a bit, following and growling at Chachi...I'm really hoping that I can have them out all day together on Saturday. I don't know about at night yet, but we'll see what happens. I don't quite know what Chachi will do once he sees where I sleep...and I don't know what Jack will do once Chachi hops up on the bed.

I did practice some again last night...the voice is still weird, but I can't tell if it's still residual from the cold (which was so long ago!) or allergies, or something else entirely. I took some Theraflu last night and I think that helped. Part of the thing also could have been that I'm working on new music (Wagner) and it's not in my voice yet and sitting in the passagio. I did sing through the end section of 'Sempre Libera' and that actually felt pretty good, so I guess things aren't so bad. The resonance also may be off because of the congestion.

So, once again, I am surprised at the kindness of people. We're having wig fittings for the show next week and I emailed the wig lady and asked if I could come earlier or something because I felt uncomfortable showing my bald head to the cast and she said 'Sure! I'll come at 6pm just for you!'. It's such a little thing, but it just really touched me that she was willing to do that. I've seen my bald head...I don't like it. I try not to look at it, but I have seen it. I don't like it...I don't like that I have almost no eyelashes...and I don't like that my eyebrows are so thin. I know it will all grow back and I am just counting the days until May 3rd when it can start doing just that! I know it may take a few months and I may be wearing the wig into the summer, but there won't be anything stopping it then.

Also, my appetite seems to be coming back a little. I still don't eat very much, but I actually am feeling hunger now. Not often, but it's there. Not that I minded losing the weight, but I do mind that my clothes are all saggy.

I also need to remember to wash my wig more often. I think I need to do it more than the 'every 14 wearings' or so that was mentioned. It's long hair...it can get kind of scraggly.

I guess that's it for now...I have rehearsal tonight and since there are road closings in that area, I'm going to leave right from work. Granted, the traffic will probably suck, but oh well.