I went down to Providence, RI to sing at their Waterfire event. Basically, they have these bonfires in the river and for this particular night, they station sopranos (and this year, mezzos) in spots along the river, pump in karaoke tracks of some famous arias and duets, and we sing live from there. It's about 2 hours and then we go back to a central stage to each sing an aria of our choice in a final concert.
Anyways, after the first or second aria, I was sitting and waiting until it was my turn to sing next when I had someone who was in the 'audience' get my attention. She said that she was a nurse and asked if I was a 'survivor'. I was rather surprised, but I answered 'Yes, I am'. She said that she had noticed my port (my dress showed it) and had a 2 year old with a portocath right now. I asked her to send my good thoughts to the 2 year old and she said she would...and that I looked and sounded great and 'congratulations'.
Then, today at the Longwood 'Patience' sing, we were packing up and one older woman came up to me and asked, 'May I ask you a question? I guess it's kind of personal, but are you a survivor? I noticed the haircut and I had to ask'. I said that yes, I was. She told me that she had been a survivor since 1982 (and she was 82 years old). We talked a little bit and I wished her well and she wished me well.
At the Waterfire concert I caught up with another singer from an earlier program and she asked about the hair...so I told her as well. We talked a bit and she asked me 'So, are you happy it's over? How do you feel about it?' and I said, after a little bit of thought, 'You know what? I've got this fear now that I'm always going to have to live with. I'm scared that it's going to come back.'
As I think about it and as I see things like Jewel's song on the Emmy Awards (which just played), I don't want to be the one who loses that fight. Every time I feel a twinge, I wonder 'Uh-oh...do I need to be worried?'. I think about it at least once every day. I really kind of hate that I'm going to have to live with this for the rest of my life...which I hope to be a long, full, rich one. I know that we did this just to be sure; when I had my follow-up appointment a few weeks ago with the oncologist, she reiterated that there was no cancer when we started the chemotherapy so technically, I didn't have it any longer and I hadn't since the lumpectomy. She also seemed very positive that it would stay away, but I really hate that it will always be in my mind and always affecting me and causing fear. I can try to hide the fear. I can try to squelch it. But I don't know if it will ever go away.
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Courage and fearlessness are not the same thing. Have courage. Be courageous.
ReplyDeleteThe best "F**K YOU!" you can give to cancer is to live your life well and fully. We're here to encourage and help you do that as best as we can, as are the other survivors you've met.