So, kind of odd this weekend...

I went down to Providence, RI to sing at their Waterfire event. Basically, they have these bonfires in the river and for this particular night, they station sopranos (and this year, mezzos) in spots along the river, pump in karaoke tracks of some famous arias and duets, and we sing live from there. It's about 2 hours and then we go back to a central stage to each sing an aria of our choice in a final concert.

Anyways, after the first or second aria, I was sitting and waiting until it was my turn to sing next when I had someone who was in the 'audience' get my attention. She said that she was a nurse and asked if I was a 'survivor'. I was rather surprised, but I answered 'Yes, I am'. She said that she had noticed my port (my dress showed it) and had a 2 year old with a portocath right now. I asked her to send my good thoughts to the 2 year old and she said she would...and that I looked and sounded great and 'congratulations'.

Then, today at the Longwood 'Patience' sing, we were packing up and one older woman came up to me and asked, 'May I ask you a question? I guess it's kind of personal, but are you a survivor? I noticed the haircut and I had to ask'. I said that yes, I was. She told me that she had been a survivor since 1982 (and she was 82 years old). We talked a little bit and I wished her well and she wished me well.

At the Waterfire concert I caught up with another singer from an earlier program and she asked about the hair...so I told her as well. We talked a bit and she asked me 'So, are you happy it's over? How do you feel about it?' and I said, after a little bit of thought, 'You know what? I've got this fear now that I'm always going to have to live with. I'm scared that it's going to come back.'

As I think about it and as I see things like Jewel's song on the Emmy Awards (which just played), I don't want to be the one who loses that fight. Every time I feel a twinge, I wonder 'Uh-oh...do I need to be worried?'. I think about it at least once every day. I really kind of hate that I'm going to have to live with this for the rest of my life...which I hope to be a long, full, rich one. I know that we did this just to be sure; when I had my follow-up appointment a few weeks ago with the oncologist, she reiterated that there was no cancer when we started the chemotherapy so technically, I didn't have it any longer and I hadn't since the lumpectomy. She also seemed very positive that it would stay away, but I really hate that it will always be in my mind and always affecting me and causing fear. I can try to hide the fear. I can try to squelch it. But I don't know if it will ever go away.

See, this is why I didn't broadcast this!!!

So, at the Longwood G&S rehearsal on Sunday, the same pianist who made the rude remark the previous Wednesday was there again. I was there first (as I had the key to let people in) and when they saw me, the coordinator of the evening (who did not know and had not seen me since I stopped wearing the wig) said 'Oh! Your hair shrunk!' which was fine. I just smiled. Then the pianist went up to her, as smug as can be and thinking he was oh, so clever, and started regaling what he had asked me a few nights ago.

I wasn't going to let anything like that go again so I marched right up to them and said, 'Actually, I had 4 months of chemotherapy and this is my hair growing back.' It shut them up but good!

Of course, now the coordinator has gone and blabbed it about. I got a Facebook message from an acquaintance who said 'Oh, X told Y and then Y told me about this...yadda yadda yadda'. UGH!

I don't know whether it's too late to email the coordinator and say 'Look. Stop talking about me. This is my news, not your's'. I think it's already been blabbed all over.

I have no words...

I went to sing a concert last night with many people who had not seen the short hair yet. One of whom was the pianist whom I have known for a few years now. I knew that he was socially awkward but this just kind of had me flabbergasted.

He came up to me and said 'I hope that your haircut is an homage to the weather and not a change in your orientation.'


I'm sorry, what??

I think I stared at him in disbelief for a moment before I simply said, 'My orientation has not changed.'

Really? I mean, REALLY??? I should have said 'Actually, it's an homage to cancer, you jackass'.

If he says something to me about it again, I will most likely let him have it.

I cannot believe anyone would be so rude! Not only is it an awful thing to say, implying that it doesn't look nice, but my orientation is none of his business!

I must have gotten half a dozen compliments on my hair when I was in Richmond this past weekend -- from people I didn't even know! And then this schmuck comes around and tells me that I'm looking like some stereotype of a lesbian as if that's a bad thing.

What a complete and utter jerk.