The Radiation has begun.

Too bad I won't get Spider-Man or Hulk powers...although come to think of it, I've never been a hug fan of the Hulk. I've always been more of a DC gal, but I don't know if there are any irradiated Superheroes in DC...besides Firestorm and Captain Atom.

Geekery aside, Monday was the 'dry run' for the radiation where they lined me up just right and took x-ray pictures. I also met with the nurses who gave me a list of what skincare things I could and could not use. Yesterday was the official start and I go in, change into a 'johnny' top, go to the room where they make sure I'm all lined up and then wait while these red lights buzz a few times. Then, I'm done. I guess those are the lasers...I'm not allowed to move so I can't really look. Then I change and go on with my day!

Today was a little different in that the machine was being persnickety and they had to postpone my appointment by about 20 minutes. I then had to wait to see the Radiation Oncologist who showed me the x-ray pictures and re-explained what they were doing, looked at my skin, asked about my fatigue (it's morning...what do they want????) and...that's about it!

This will continue every weekday until July 12th barring any interruptions. My regular appointments are at 8:30am so I can then get right to work. I am told to expect a tan/sunburn line and maybe some sensitivity. It's too early to tell, but I'm using approved skin-care things already to try and beat it to the punch.

That's sort of that. I doubt I'll be posting every day with this because...same deal for 6 weeks.

I can't tell if I'm imagining things, but...

...I feel stubble. Sadly, not on my head, but on my legs. Maybe?

I think I figured something out.

I’m just putting a lot on these auditions because I think I need to prove something to myself in that I can still be hired despite wearing a wig and going through all of this mess.

I'm told I'm singing well. I can coachings when I was out of breath after each aria and I was still told I sounded great...and these people would tell me if I didn't, regardless. I don't feel that I look great, but I look fairly svelte, so that's not too bad.

Thus far, the only thing I've been asked/hired to do while dealing with this has been through people who know what is going on. I'm still waiting to hear back from one other group, but I have to wonder, with those who haven't cast me, if it -is- some sort of 'looks' thing...and if it is, is it because of the wig? Or do they just not want someone who looks like I do in general?

Sometimes I wish I could read minds.

First trip alone...

Yesterday was my first trip to the Chemo suites alone as it was time for the first of my 'every 3 week' Herceptin treatment. Aside from not bleeding like I should, according to the nurses, it went fine. I brought my book and it went fairly quickly in comparison to all of the other times I had been there. I was only there for less than an hour and a half but that was because they gave me about 40 minutes worth of Herceptin. When I come back, apparently I will get 30 minutes worth.

I had an audition last night as well; was one of many sopranos (and mezzos) auditioning for a lead role in a musical. The thing is, I noticed that I was putting a lot on this (and some previous) auditions. Now, I learned long ago to go in, do my thing, and deal with the results, whether they be good or bad, but I think my faith and self-esteem has been shaken lately. One is most definitely the physical aspect of all that's been going on the last 4 months. Another is, I think I want to be sure that I can still do this...that all of this crap hasn't affected my singing and my performing. The third is basically me not understanding why some people are consistently cast when their singing is inconsistent and inaccurate. However, I'm trying to work through that last one because I cannot control how people cast and I really shouldn't complain as I've had a pretty spectacular singing year thus far in at least two 'Bread and Butter' roles that I hope to be singing for years to come.

One of my coaches recommended that I save up to do the NYIOPs (Big, expensive, House auditions) in the Fall. I may try and do that...while I'm not entirely sure I like the reality of them (they remind me of the New England Theatre Conference auditions I did once...didn't get a single callback), the idea of them is good and maybe something will come out of it. It's a chance to sing for different people, which is a good thing, and it's a chance to sing in front of people who don't give a damn that I'm over 30.

But I'm also beginning to wonder what to do about presenting myself in auditions for the next year or so until my hair grows back out...or what if I decide to keep it short? I'll then need new headshots...another expense I didn't really need. I don't know if I'm going to want to keep my hair short or what yet as I'm still waiting for signs that it's going to start growing back! I know that it takes time, but now that the chemotherapy is done, I want my life back (and that includes my hair!)

Almost time to start glowing in the dark...

Today was my first visit to get set up for the Radiation portion of this trip which is to begin on the 24th. I did briefly see the Radiation Oncologist who was just as cheerful and friendly as before, and talked a bit more with the nurse and technician who were there. I got to put on a 'johnny' and go to a CT Scan room where I got to have a CT scan...which I like much better than a MRI, by the way. After they did what they needed to do, they gave me tattoos.

Yes, tattoos. 4 dots about the size of small freckles. AND THEY HURT!!! I don't know how people can get all those fancy tattoos if those 4 hurt as much as they did!

The Dr. did say that my scar was more faded than many she had seen (I've been using Mederma on it) which was good.

I still feel that I look weird, but I was stopping by a yarn shop last night to look for black yarn and she said (she knows what's going on) that I looked good and that I looked like 'myself' which did surprise me as I don't think that I do yet. It was very nice of her to say so though.

So, next appointment is on the 24th for the 'dress rehearsal' and then the radiation begins the next day at 8:30am.

So, I feel a little better today...

...because even as depressed as I was yesterday at work (I was fighting tears for a few hours there), I went to practice. It sort of felt like that moment in 'Center Stage' where Donna Murphy is telling Zoe Saldana that (and I'm paraphrasing here, I'm sure) 'Even if nothing is working right, you return here...' [to the ballet barre]. It's going back 'home' so to speak. So I sort of did that in going to practice.

What ultimately cheered me up was the fact that I got through 4 arias and 2 broadway songs without getting tired! It's the first time that has happened in months! Probably since Cosi at least!

So, there is some progress with healing! It may not be physical on the outside, but at least there is evidence that something is going on...something good *knock wood*!!

I also figured out why my wig is bugging me. I don't like having hair in my face so I pull it back. I always have. I usually pull it back behind my ears somehow, but with the wig, I can't because then you see bald patches by my ears and temples. I've tried pulling it back on the sides and on top (in a slight 'Snookie Poof', as Merri called it) and it's ok, but I still don't like these 'Cocker Spaniel' ears hanging down in FRONT of my ears.

I may need to fix it so that I can do the bang-like thing again and wear the hair down because it's just sort of pissing me off. I don't know if a headband would work either, but I may try that too. I don't want to get another wig since it seems like a waste of money at this point. I may try and take apart my Theatrical Wig (it was done up again for 'Pimpernel') and see if I can do anything with that too. I did manage to get the glue off of my MAC eyelashes and just need an eyelash curler to set them right again, I think.

On a cuter note, Chachi woke me up this morning by climbing onto my back and falling asleep with his head on my shoulder. This cat can get into so much trouble, but when he does stuff like that, I just melt! Jack is the same way...he can be a little brat but when he crawls onto me and just purrs until he falls asleep, I can forgive him anything! I'm such a sucker!

I WANT MY HAIR BACK!!!!!!!!!

I WANT TO FEEL PRETTY AGAIN!!!!!!!


That is all.

Posting may be spread out a little...

...as I don't think I need to report the radiation stuff every day for the next 6-7 weeks. I have my first appointment to sort of get things set up and all on Friday and then we officially start on the 24th. I also have to go back for more Herceptin on the 17th, but aside from that being a rather busy day, it shouldn't be too bad, I'm hoping. I have an appointment for an Echocardiogram (I will need them every few months) on June 4th.

I'm ready now for my stamina to come back. I won't lie -- this weekend was tough. Friday, I went back to work and then managed to do a show that evening. I don't know how I got out of bed on Saturday to run the errands I needed to run, but I did and managed, without a nap, to do a show that evening. I didn't get to bed that night until around 3am and somehow tried to wake up at 6:15am. I forced myself to go back to sleep until 11:30am or so, but then I had to get up and go to another rehearsal! Talk about a tiring weekend!

I'm ready now, though, for my stamina to start coming back. I know it's going to be gradual and I am VERY happy that it won't take a dive again in another week. I think that it may be like the oncologist said; when my body realizes that it can start healing when I don't get another chemo dose, then things will start coming back. I think it may need to realize that.

Singing the Wagner was tough yesterday. I won't lie. I was exhausted. Part of that was, I think, the weekend, and part was just general fatigue. It's not all that much singing in the grand scheme of things and I think I'll be fine. I also think I'll be fine for 'Don Giovanni' in another month and a half. I just need to get my stamina back.

The last of the side-effects...

...I hope!

I had some tummy issues all last night/early this morning which was not fun, but I think it was a combo of the chemicals and all the junk I stuffed my face with. I did have Eggs Benedict and it was DELICIOUS!! I can have champagne again, but sushi needs to wait another 6 weeks. Did I say that already?

I've been kind of achy today, but it is so much more tolerable than it was last week with the shot. I'm still not thrilled about it, but I can get through this. It may mean that tomorrow I'm still a little under the weather for the show but I'll be ok. It's the last time, right?

Everyone's been saying that the fatigue from the radiation is going to be killer, but that's actually not what the oncologist said and I prefer to believe her. I know that I'll have a higher energy level going in so the fatigue won't be as bad. I think I'm repeating myself at this point, but maybe I need to just repeat it to myself.

Oh, another side-effect that I've sort of felt over the last two treatments especially is the neuropathy in my fingers and toes. It's just a little tingling in my fingers and toes and it usually goes away...I can definitely feel it when I'm knitting though. Weird.

And Chemo is done!!!

Today was the last treatment! My dad flew in last night and will be staying until Wednesday evening. He was very good today -- I knitted and chatted, he read and called clients on his phone. It was the shortest treatment of this second round and I start the Herceptin only on 5/17. Radiation starts 5/24.

I talked to the nurse (who loved her card and her hat) about the potential 'issue' and that the oncologist never got back to me and she was rather appalled. I also talked to the social worker about it and she said 'That's really unlike her' but she sounded like she might be saying something about it to the oncologist. She also gave me her post-chemo talk which was basically 'You will probably feel a let down after all of this since it's a routine that you've gotten used to and you won't feel that you're being doted on.' I then asked, 'So...is it sort of like a post-show letdown?' and she said 'Yes, it's probably very similar to that.' It makes me think I'll be able to handle it. The oncologist FINALLY came by about 20 minutes before I was done and finally answered my questions! She said to watch the side-effect and if it wasn't gone by June, then I would need to get it checked out. She also said I should have a full head of hair in about 3 months and that my body will be expecting a chemo treatment in two weeks and it may take a few more weeks for it to realize that it can heal and not have another treatment to bring it down.

I don't have to take the Nulasta this time, thank goodness, as that mixed with the taxol made the aches pretty horrible. My numbers were all up, so yay?

I thought that I might be so relieved that I would cry once it was done, but now I think I feel relieved and ready to get back to my life. Maybe I'll cry later, but right now, I want to just get it behind me. I'm glad my dad is here with me though.