I guess I shouldn't be too hard on my cramps today...

...I'm trying not to think that 'they may be my last' since that's pretty defeatist, but the thought is spinning around and probably making them a little more bearable.

More than y'all wanted to know, I'm sure!

I did just finish reading one of the books that Liddy got me, called Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips which was written by a woman who, at 31, was diagnosed with some sort of liver cancer. First of all, THANK YOU, LIDDY! It was a fantastic book with enough snark and anger for me to appreciate it, but also with a lot of good information. She draws on her own experiences as well as experiences of a few other women (aged 25 to about 40) and it's definitely aimed towards a younger (under 45) set.

I actually just did one of the things that was suggested in the book: I called my oncologist and will be taking a tour of the chemo suite tomorrow so I know what to expect when I go in. I think having to deal with everything else on that day and the massive anxiety of actually doing this thing (instead of just talking about it) is going to be difficult enough. So now I'll be able to go look around when I'm calm and rational. Yay for proactivity?

Also, I guess I want to tell everyone 'Thank you'. I know that this isn't easy on people, especially my immediate family. But I really need everyone to be supportive and as upbeat as they can be and not try to bully me around or make decisions for me or tell me how I need to do things. I realize that it's very hard not to want to make sure I'm snug and safe and cocooned, but I can't (and won't) live in a sterile bubble, and to paraphrase what Sarah wrote to me in an email, which I do love, I'm not going to stop my life for this. I will only slow it down as I see fit. I need everyone to trust me when I say that I will take a rest if I feel that I need to and I won't force myself to do anything. However, one of the things that was pointed out in this book was, especially if you are feeling fatigued, getting up and moving around will give you more energy. I'm not going to go run a marathon (hah!) nor am I going to fill my day up with errands (like I am doing this week). But I need to be respected if I say, 'I want to go to work today' or 'I feel fine'. I'm the only one who is going to know this.

I know everyone is worried and I know people aren't really looking forward to coming with me for the treatments (although your company is very much appreciated and I'm looking forward to spending time with all of you) but I won't be comatose. I won't be napping (especially if they end up giving me Benadryl!). I plan on bringing movies and sheet music and knitting and snacks. I plan on having conversations. I'd like some laughs.

Again, please don't get this vision of the lethargic, skeletal, turban-wrapped figure in the hospital bed from the Lifetime movies. You all know me and you know I'm like that. I'm just not the languishing type! I will rest if I feel I need rest. I will move if I want to move. I need people to support me and not smother me. I really know that it's hard...believe me, I'd probably feel the same if the positions were reversed. I don't need arguments about what you think I should be doing and what I want to do. I don't need to be bullied to stay in bed (not that I think that would happen).

Please talk to me (via email, phone, in person) about your concerns and anxieties so maybe we can work on them together. If you don't want to talk to me, that's ok too, but please talk to SOMEONE. This blog is kind of therapeutic for me as it is and I know some others are already talking to their therapists. But if you need someone to talk to besides me, find someone please...don't keep it bottled up inside. That doesn't do any of us any good.