Physically, sure...aside from the lack of sleep. However, I miss being in a good mood. I think the only time I was in a pretty good mood was when I thought that I was all done (post-surgery) and didn't need to do anything else.
Boy, was I wrong.
Newest stuff:
After testing a larger sample of the tumor, they found out that it was indeed Her2+. From what I can gather, it is both good and bad. It's good because one of the treatments is something called Herceptin, and in using that, it can greatly reduce any chance of this coming back. However, it also means that the rest of the chemotherapy is more involved. Just when I was getting used to dealing with only 2 months of this, I get all of this news.
New treatment plan:
4 treatments (every 2 weeks) of Adriamycin and Cytoxin (sounds yummy, right?). Usual side-effects possible...will lose the hair on my head. Suck.
THEN
4 treatments (every 2 weeks) of Taxol and Herceptin (yep...2 more months of this!). Taxol is particularly nasty since I get to lose ALL hair. This includes eyebrows and eyelashes. So much fun (can you see the sarcasm?).
THEN
The Herceptin continues every 3 weeks (luckily, no real side effects to this one) for AN ENTIRE YEAR.
I don't even know where the radiation falls in this!
So instead of thinking I can just bulldoze through this in 2 months, I'm now looking at over a year of this crap.
Can we say, ANGRY?!?!?!?
Not only that -- no green tea during active chemotherapy treatments because green tea has anti-oxidants and we're trying to oxidate the blood. No changing the cat litter (and the oncologist seemed really concerned when I mentioned Maggie and thought that the cat shouldn't be in the house with me while I'm going through that. Yeah...there's one surefire way to kill the poor cat -- rip her away from her family while she's very ill. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!).
The kicker is really that they won't know if it's all even working since there is nothing to monitor. They won't know if it's worked because there is nothing to monitor. They can't guarantee that it won't come back. They also won't know how the side effects will affect me.
So...why am I doing this again? Why am I going to poison my body for 4 months?
I have a second opinion appointment at Dana Farber on Monday...we'll see if people coordinate and send everything as I've asked them to do. We have some hard copies of things to bring in, but they want this huge list of stuff.
My mom seems to think I'll do fine with the side effects as I was 'just fine' after the surgery. It's true...both my mom and dad had to tell me a few times to just sit and rest.
Also, apparently, I have adverse reactions to Benadryl and products that contain Benadryl. When I was little and they gave it to me, I hallucinated. When they tried when I was a little older, I became bouncing-off-the-wall hyper. This now explains why Nyquil and Tylenol PM do absolutely nothing for me and do, in fact, keep me up-- they contain Benadryl!
So, once again, I am in a thoroughly pissy mood. They want to start right in the middle of rehearsing the opera. That would put the end around the middle/end of April...right around the opening of 'Scarlet Pimpernel'. They didn't really want to wait the extra 3 weeks. We'll see what the Dana Farber folks have to say, but if I have to, I will down caffeinated tea and make it work. I've performed exhausted and ill before, I can do it again as long as I'm careful.
Off to look at wigs. I was sort of hoping that this could be fun, but the more real this all gets, the less fun this is going to be. I like wigs. I like dressing up. But I guess this isn't really doing that.
My mom thinks I should find a therapist to talk to about all of this. I don't really see the need...what are they going to do? Tell me the same thing everyone else is? Tell me what I already know? I can't help that I'm upset and I don't know that I will ever 'be at peace' with this. I'm angry. I intend on staying angry. I'm not angry at people...I'm not even angry at myself. I'm angry with the situation and I'm angry that I have to go through this at all...and I'm angry that it's happening now. Sure, there is no good time for this, but why does it have to happen when I'm finally feeling good about my voice and fairly content with my life?
So much for trying to respond to someone on a dating site...he looked interesting, he looked attractive, we seemed to have a lot in common, so I wrote him. What does he write back? 'This really isn't a match I'm looking for. Have a nice life!'. Way to boost my self-esteem. As if it's not already in the basement.
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That guy sounds like a jerk! I am angry too... It sucks and it really SUCKS it is you!!!! I hate it ... I hate it so much!!!!! I love you!
ReplyDeleteGet ANGRY!! You need to, but you need to stay positive that you can Kick Cancer Ass too! Get it out! You have friends that will help you and support you through it!!!
ReplyDeleteBe angry, but don't stay angry. That does no good for anyone.
ReplyDeleteKeep a reasonably long-sighted perspective. If you dwell only on the immediate concerns, nothing is worth doing.
Consider talking to a therapist. They will tell you thing things you already know, yes. But they will also give you things like coping mechanisms that you and we who care for you just don't know.
You may be fearful and angry now, but I hope that the fear and anger pass. If they don't then the cancer will have won. Don't let it.
I recommend "It's Not About The Bike" by Lance Armstrong. I'll end you my copy, if you like.
Suck suck suck!!!
ReplyDeleteKeep brething. Your doctors are throwing all this stuff at you because they are looking only toward giving you a long, helathy life after this is all over.
As for a therapist--Your mom is suggesting this only as a way for you get your feelings out, be heard, etc.. There are plenty of cancer support groups around that could help see you through this, too. The whole point, I think, is for you to do things that feel theraputic and help you to feel positive and take you mind off of your fears. Therapy may do that or it may not. Singing may be a *great* way to help you stay centered and sane.
Not that I or anyone else can know exactly what you're going through (so take my advice for what it's worth lol)....but I did hear a wonderful author interviewed on a local radio station. I forget her name, but she wrote a book called "Crazy Sexy Cancer". I was really impressed with her attitude and strength--especially when she said something to the effect of "I can't always control my situation, but I can control my thoughts"
You'll get through this! It may suck and it may take a while, but you will!
Taro, Mary me a little.. you both have said some great things that even help me too... the books sound great too.. you know Steph will have them both read in 2 hours... jealous...
ReplyDeleteThat is bad news. I really really hope you can get some rest.
ReplyDeleteTo build on what Mary me a little is saying, it's not necessarily what the therapist will tell you, it's more the chance for you to have a safe space where you can feel whatever needs feeling, without fear, without shame. That said, there are many ways to create that space. It's good you're thinking of this all now, ahead of the storm.
I was speaking with Tracy and she said that her co-worker went through 5 years of follow-up with Herceptin. So, yuck either way.
ReplyDeleteAnd, I don't know if this would help, but there are a lot of reports saying that an apple gives as much kick to the system as a cup of coffee. I don't know if that is only a first thing in the morning thing, or if it would work before a show as well.
I'm a little late into this, but I had to comment on the apple thing. (This is coming from someone who used to down 5 cups or so of coffee each day.) When I had to go through a food elimination diet to find out migraine triggers, that's what the neurologist had me do. A few headaches the first couple of days, but the apples kept me going through the long weeks. Oh - and my sister (also an opera singer) swears by them before a show/performance.
ReplyDelete