Finally...putting some thoughts down.

So...I've wanted to write things about all of this, but I didn't want to put it on LiveJournal because I haven't told everyone there and I didn't want to make a big announcement. It's why I haven't said anything on Facebook yet either...nor will I. People will know soon enough, I suppose.

So. This sucks. I'm really furious in general...mostly that I'm going to have to go through all of this mess. I'm still sore, I think one of the incisions may be irritated...and I am so sick of visiting doctors. I don't want to have to go through chemotherapy and lose my hair and feel sick. I didn't want to have to get any of the flu shots (I did...got both of them...). I don't like the pity that I'm getting from people.

THIS DOES NOT DEFINE ME!!!!!

I am not this disease. I don't want to be defined by it. I don't want this to affect my singing.

I have a longer appointment with the Medical Oncologist on the 29th where I'm sure we'll go over more specifics, especially the schedule. I am praying that they can start after February 20th. I've been writing down questions I've been thinking of over the past few weeks...questions that I couldn't think of at the first, 'informational' meeting. I also have an appointment on the 30th to go for some wig consultations. My mom wants me to get a short-hair wig...and I have insisted on getting one with long hair...I need one I can style due to the shows I do. Once I know the schedule for the chemo, I will then schedule the appointment where my hair gets chopped off. I should have enough length to donate.

Then, on Jan. 4th I have an appointment at Dana Farber for a second opinion. Later that day, I have an appointment with the Radiation Oncologist.

I haven't been sleeping well...I haven't been eating all that well (although I'm trying. The stress has made me somewhat nauseous). I'm trying to knit and sing...and focus on my poor, sick, smelly kitty.

What else? I don't know, really. But if you're reading this, then you're one of the ones I've told. Please don't tell anyone else without checking with me first. Like I said, I don't want people to start defining me by this.

I've tagged a couple of yarn patterns for hats that I plan on making -- I have yarn for most of them.

I have a lot of fears...not about getting through this, because I know that I will. My fears are that I'll be fired from the shows that I'm doing...and I don't want to be! I WILL do these shows...and I WILL do well! It's one of the main reasons why I'm going to beg them not to start the chemotherapy until after February 20th...because I'll have time between shows, especially since the next only rehearses once a week until closer to opening (or so I was told). Really, that's my biggest fear. There's also the fear of...well, I can barely get dates now, who is going to want to date me when I have no hair? What if I gain weight? It's vanity, I know, but I can't help it. What if Maggie can't hold on for too much longer? What if I lose my fertility? Not that I know if I want kids yet, but I want the option! (Although this has been discussed at length, including a very frightening appointment at a fertility clinic.) What if I look like an alien without any hair? What if I feel really crappy?

No wonder my stomach isn't very happy with me right now...and no wonder I'm exhausted. I'm so very stressed out!

But...so that's the emotional part.

Here's the technical stuff: Diagnosis after the Lumpectomy: 1.3cm tumor, Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, Stage 1, Grade 3, ER negative, PR negative, Her2 equivocal (they are still doing more testing on this one), clean margins, no lymph node involvement.

That's what we know so far. I'm sure we'll know more on the 29th, when I am also going in for genetic testing to see if I have any predisposition to any other cancers so we can blast those too.