Fears: I has them.

As things have been calming down some, I've been doing some reading and finding that I have lots and lots of questions. I also have lots and lots of fears. Part of me wonders if I should get some of the books out there written about 'What to do when you have Breast Cancer' or if I should save up all my questions to ask the doctors. Do I want to scare myself silly by reading some of these books? Or will they give me information that will help calm some of these fears?

FEAR: Losing my hair will make me ugly.

Vanity, vanity, vanity. But I've been having a hard enough time getting dates or having any sort of a relationship as it is...what's going to happen when I look like one of the people from Alien Nation? I'm not a supermodel, I know, but I think that I'm fairly decent-looking...but will I be with no hair? I have my serious doubts.

FEAR: The chemotherapy drugs will make me gain weight.

Again with the vanity. I rather pride myself on my figure...some days I feel better about it than others, but I like that I'm a size 4 and I like that I'm fairly slender. What's going to happen if I gain weight? How will I fit into my clothes? How is it going to help my self-esteem if I start feeling fat?

FEAR: The chemotherapy drugs are going to hurt my voice.

Here's a biggie. I'm triple-checking with the doctors on this one and the medical oncologist is also triple-checking for me. However, one of the side effects are mouth sores and dryness since apparently mucous membrane cells are some of the more rapidly dividing cells in the body...which is just what the chemo drugs target. Will I be able to sing still? Will I just be downing more water and tea? I can't take homeopathic remedies with chemotherapy, so what can I do to either prevent or remedy this???

FEAR: I will be too exhausted to live my life.

I know that this varies from person to person and most that I've talked to said 'Eh. I was a little more fatigued than usual, but I still did my stuff'. It's still a fear though. I do remember when Samantha on 'Sex in the City' went through her treatments and while we didn't see much of it, she was still out and about and being fabulous. Then I counter that with all the other stuff they show in the media and it sucks. I'd much rather be like Samantha than all those other schmucks who are languishing at home in their head scarves with black circles under their eyes because they're so exhausted. But yes, it's media...it's not real life. Still, it's there.

FEAR: I can't eat the foods I want or drink the teas I want

Apparently, one can't have homeopathic stuff while on chemotherapy since they don't know how things will interact. I get that. However, I've also read that one should avoid green tea and soy products. I don't mind avoiding some soy, but some of my favorite tea is green tea (mmm, jasmine green tea!) and I don't really want to have to avoid it. I suppose if I can drink other teas it might be ok, but wouldn't herbal tea fall under 'homeopathic stuff'? If I can't drink herbal tea or green tea, what can I drink? I need my tea, people, especially if I get those mouth sores!

FEAR: My cat(s).

Most of you probably know that my cat Maggie is pretty sick. She also has breast cancer, but she doesn't get the fancy treatments that I do. She's still doing ok, but she has a very large tumor on her belly that is/has been infected and is quite smelly. I called the vet (and am waiting to hear back) about getting her groomed and professionally bathed to see if it might help, but I don't know how long she'll be staying around. Right now, with her, I'm just taking things day by day. Jack is being pretty wonderful about it all and he's being very protective of both me and her. I don't know how I'll manage if I have to go through this and then she leaves somewhere during it.

FEAR: What if I get sick?

I already had the flu shots (yes, both of them...ick!) but I know that my white blood count will be lower due to all of this. What if I get colds? If I can't take homeopathic remedies or OTC stuff, how can I get relief from the symptoms? Even 'natural' remedies are considered homeopathic, no?

FEAR: What if I end up infertile?

According to the medical oncologist, there is a 20-25% chance that I will lose my fertility. According to the fertility doctor, a frozen egg only has a 35% chance of becoming a baby. That's not a big enough margin for me to be willing to spend thousands of dollars on this and keeping eggs frozen for what could be years. I would rather spend that money when I KNOW I want kids and then help pay for my sisters so they can donate an egg (as they have so generously offered to do for me). Now, according to the oncologist, I still have a 75-80% chance of remaining fertile, but one never knows. However, I'm rather miffed at having all of this when I don't have any sort of romantic partner on the horizon. I don't even know if I want kids, but I want the option.

FEAR: What if I go through all of this and it comes back?

What if, despite all of this, it comes back?

I know there are other fears but those are the ones weighing pretty heavily on my mind right now.