A weekend in pajamas.

So, after the whole ER debacle on Friday, I canceled my engagements this weekend and decided to just sort of lay low and heal up. Saturday, I slept in some until about 10:30am and had a temp of 98.6...not my usual temperature, but still well within 'normal'. II didn't change out of my pajamas and watched about 4 'teen' movies, including one of the 'Bring it on' sequels which, while predictable, was kind of cute.

Sunday I did much the same thing after scrambling to deal with some NEGASS issues -- I'm glad it all worked out, but gaah...I wish I could have been there to help!! I watched a few wedding show marathons and knitted (finished a shrug) -- I did spend a few hours helping my aunt with a project she was hired to knit, but the pattern was all messed up. So I broke it down, fixed it, and after about 4 or 5 phone calls, she decided that -I- would be the one to knit it and send it back to the person...and in the end, -I- would get the check! Hey, I can deal with that! I ordered the yarn, am having it express-shipped to me, so I should have it, I hope, by the middle of this week so that at the very worst, I can get this out by Monday.

Temp was down to normal.

I have a lot of phone calls to make tomorrow -- need to call one of the vets to see how much an eye consultation is going to be for Jack, and I need to call my oncologist. I'm kind of pissed off at her right now. When I told her about my coughing, she never explained or even offered up the possibility that it could actually be a rare side effect of the adriamycin. I have never wheezed before, but now, I am wheezing. I hope that this has not permanently damaged my lungs (although my chest x-ray on Friday was clear so one hopes that it will be ok). However, I am of the opinion that she could have considered this when I told her about the cough I had in January after the first treatment! That cough has not gone away! I also need to talk to her about the decadron steroid that I am supposed to take for the next round. I apparently have a pretty significant crash from the decadron, even when it has been tapered. I am also very nervous about sitting in a chair for 6 1/2 hours after getting a fairly high dose of Benadryl. While it may put most people to sleep, I have an adverse reaction where I get hyper. It's why Nyquil keeps me awake at night. So, I might not be bouncing, but I might be...I just don't know. I want to know if there is ANYTHING else that they can give me instead of those. One of the nurses mentioned giving me an Ativan, but I am NOT going to take a 'downer' after taking an 'upper'! She is also supposed to schedule an echocardiogram for me before I start taking chemo treatments that could damage my heart...yet I haven't heard from her about it.

So yeah. I'm not terribly happy right now...and she was out of town, on vacation, during my last chemo treatment when I had a bunch of questions for her (not to mention when I was in the ER, but she didn't know that).

I canceled any non-work commitment tomorrow (unless they call me to look at the kitten!) since I just need to take it easy before I go back to rehearsal on Wednesday. I also scheduled a coaching for Thursday, so hopefully I'll be over this congestion by then.

Mom is coming back Friday evening! I guess I should really clean up some. I meant to do so today, but sort of got stuck on the sofa...where I am now with a warm, fuzzy, purry cat. Poor Jack...either he was really sick of having me around today, or he's really lonely. I'm working on it though!

On another note...sort of, I've been sort of mulling over this for a while. I remember thinking, over the last few years, how lucky my family was not to have to deal with some sort of medical thing like, say, Breast Cancer. Maybe I jinxed it, but I would think about that and then pray that God would keep my family and loved ones safe, healthy, and happy. I didn't want to feel selfish by asking it for myself...but I do love myself (most of the time) so I hoped that I would be included. Then this happens and I'm forced to go through something that hurts my family and loved ones, and something that hurts me...not just my body, but my sense of self. I really hate that I've been forced to a point where I DON'T like myself. I DON'T like my self-image. I DON'T feel attractive. I'm sad, I'm lonely, and I'm forced to be ill for 4 months solid. I'm sure I'm not the first person to wonder 'why?' and I guess I should be glad that it's not any worse. I sincerely hope that it doesn't get any worse. I pray that it doesn't get worse. I really hate that I don't really enjoy eating much of anything right now...I hate that I don't enjoy sweets. I hate that a lot of things that I really enjoyed and things that made me happy (not that I used food to gauge happiness, but sometimes ice cream does boost one's mood) don't anymore. I haven't been singing much, mostly because I've either been sick from chemo or sick from a cold. The one day I did get to practice a couple of weeks ago felt fantastic -- everything seemed to work right in all of my trouble repertoire. I think that singing in 'Cosi' was a big help in that...like Michelle said, it really helped me find my real voice so now I can apply it to all of my repertoire. But I haven't sung since that day because I've felt too ill. I REALLY HATE that I've felt too ill to sing.

I'm not really angry at myself...I'm angry in general which is, I guess, better than giving in to the temptation of defeat. I just hope that once this is over, things will get back to normal and I'll be able to be happy again...that I'll be able to like myself again. I really do miss myself.

So, I never want to do this again.

My fever didn't really go down too much today so at 2:30pm I took myself to the Emergency Room. I was apparently dehydrated and had a temp of 101.4 when I got there so over the course of about three and a half hours, they did a lot of blood tests, stuck me in a room, gave me a ton of saline, had me pee in a cup...and then sent me home with antibiotics.

Apparently my white blood cell count was really high, which was good...but also apparently indicated that my body was fighting something off. They thought that it was either an infection (my sinuses were hating me) or some thing that affects the pleura, which would make sense as I've pretty much been coughing non-stop since I started chemo. The doctor there explained that it was a common side effect of the Adriamycin...hello, why didn't my oncologist tell me this too??

So I'm now at home...just took my temp (98.6) and will be taking it easy this weekend. Hopefully with the antibiotics, this will go through me quickly and I'll be well again soon.

But I hope I never have to go to the ER again.

Having a cold and dealing with chemo = NOT FUN!

As if it's not bad enough that I already feel tired and achy and don't want to eat...I now have a cold on top of it. No fever...at least, nothing more than .3 degrees, so I don't have to worry about that. I just don't like the re-emergence of the Cough from Hell and a stuffed up nose and head. I'm rather glad I don't have to be doing any singing until this weekend (and even that's just in sing-along mode).

On another note, the kitten, Sparrow, who I wanted to meet, has been adopted. Yay for her...sad for me. I have since asked about Harrison but haven't heard back. They have another kitten, but she's out in the Amherst adoption center and I think that's too far for me to go.

If Harrison doesn't work out, I'm going to go to the Animal Rescue League of Boston, where I got Jack, as they had about 3 or 4 cats (between 6 months and a year) that looked promising. I'm kind of hoping to bring a cat home the weekend of the 20th since I know I'll be around for at least three days to keep an eye out on things. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. There's an adoption day at a local pet store on the 20th and I figured I'd see if they would be bringing any of the kittens by. I'm still waiting for a response to my email.

I just hope I can kick this cold by this weekend...I have way too much to do!


On another note, I am really happy that my family is getting a chance to meet some of my friends up here. I know that they worry for me and it makes me feel great when they see what fantastic folks I have around me.

Half way there, baby!!!

So, today was the last of the Adriamycin/Cytoxin treatment!!! Millie was there as my nurse again and Liddy came with me...we watched 'You've Got Mail' and the beginning of 'The Sound of Music' before it was over. I talked to Millie and to the social worker, Beth, about a couple of things: Beth will be looking for a therapist to recommend to me and we talked about the next round.

According to Sarah, there's a lot of decadron to take which does cause a crash a couple of days after the treatment. I hated the crash the first time, so I've avoided decadron since. Hearing all this did not make me happy and I was hoping to talk to the oncologist, but she's on vacation this week. I'll talk to her Monday about it, but Millie and Beth seemed to think that maybe we could do some sort of a taper, but the Taxol can cause some bad allergic reaction so the decadron helps to prevent that.

Bleh.

After that, Liddy and I came home for a few minutes before going back to the vet to pick up Jack who finally got his urine sample taken and his rabies shot, which was long overdue. Still no word on the other cat, but I emailed.

Tomorrow we'll see how I feel, but we may go to one of the malls...I have a couple of coupons and want to look and see what's out there. I'm loving this warmer weather though, but haven't put my winter coat away just yet.

I'm trying to keep on eating...Liddy made some AMAZING chicken noodle soup for dinner and I have a ton left over...need to find tupperware so I can freeze it. I think when DeeDee comes up, we may need to make some matzoh ball soup!

Happy Birthday to me!!!

Ok, so I'm posting after midnight, so technically it's not my birthday anymore...but still. Happy Birthday to me!

My sister (Elizabeth) flew in from VA today to stay with me through Wednesday...and to be my chemo buddy for the last in this round! Almost half-way there! Sadly though, she either has a cold or an allergy attack so we're both being careful (and she's wearing a mask when she's in my apartment). We'll see how she feels tomorrow.

I was surprised by Hope, Chad, Karen, and Adam who sent me a lovely birthday bouquet with a big, purple rose in the middle of it! My sister and I then went downtown where I dragged her to Windsor Button (yarn store) where I finally used the gift certificate that Josh and Beth got me a year and a half ago...bought some buttons for the sweater that is almost finished and some more yarn that I needed/wanted for another project. We grabbed a snack and came home (we walked to and from Davis and I wanted to get home before it got dark), I took a nap, and we went back out to the Garment District because I needed some neckties for another project. Got those...and we went to get some dinner. She got me a red velvet cupcake as a 'Birthday cake' and actually, for the first time, I tasted the cocoa in the red velvet cake! It was quite good!

After that, we came home, watched 'Grease' on TV (the uncut version! Amazing!) and she went to bed...and I am up watching 'Grease 2' and typing this.

Tomorrow is Dim Sum and then 'Alice in Wonderland' before some shopping for Monday and next week. I also have to go by work because I forgot the shot that I have to take on Tuesday there. Maybe tomorrow before shopping since it's not too far from the Whole Foods.

I had a few really nice conversations with my sister...one of them was about self-esteem. She seemed concerned about mine and I tried really hard to assure her that normally, it's pretty good. Normally, I like how I look, but right now, I don't. It's a temporary thing, I'm very sure (I've had two people last week telling me how much they loved my short hair and that I really should keep it that way even once it's grown back...still don't know about that) and that I appreciate her worry, but she really doesn't need to. I'm hoping that it helped ease her concerns some.

I found something that I thought about getting for my Birthday, but it's kind of frivolous and expensive...and I really would like to try and save up for an Eiderol R-09 recorder...so I don't know if I'm going to get it. But it's really pretty cool.

No word yet on Sparrow, but I have been pre-approved to adopt from this particular shelter. If I don't get her then they have another adoption event on March 20th that I might go to if there aren't any other cats to meet before then.

So, that was my birthday! Not as depressing as I thought it might have been...I'm really glad my sister was here to share it with me.

Just continuing...

Got Jack in the carrier when I got home...the growling and howling was horrendous...until we got outside. Then it became the most pitiful meows! Nice try, cat...but I'm impressed he tried the different tactics!

Of course, when we got the vet, his bladder was empty. All that trouble and they couldn't do anything! So, my sister and I are going to try some things this weekend and if that doesn't work, he goes back to the vet on Monday, before chemo, and I will pick him up after chemo.

He seems to be acting fine now *knock wood* and especially likes his new dry food.

On another note, my other sister put something up on my Facebook wall that I sort of felt like I had to question. She said something about my 'strength' and I asked her some about it and explained that I don't particularly feel 'strong'. I don't feel like I'm doing anything different...aside from feeling like crap more often than usual and taking more naps than I usually would. But my sister explained to me that it's just that mentality that she is using when she talks about 'strength' -- that I won't let this stop me.

Well, of course I won't! If I did that, I'd be poor, fat, and miserable! Ok, well, I'm sort of miserable (more sad and frustrated and uncomfortable) and I guess I'm not fat since apparently I've lost a little over an inch in my waist, and I'm trying not to be poor. But she meant that I'm still going about my life as normally as I can, I think, and that was strength to her. Hey, I'm find if they want to see it like that...I just don't feel it.

I just want this thing to be over and done with. I know we're almost half-way done, but I don't know how I'm going to get through two more months of this. I kind of hate the way I look (although I like having a 27" waist again...it means, though, that now all of my pants are too big because apparently I lost girth in my hips too...which held the pants up!), I'm lonely, I don't have an appetite for the foods that make me happy (I know, food shouldn't make anyone happy, but I dare anyone to try being unhappy while eating ice cream!), I don't have much spending money, the portocath is the most annoying thing EVER...all that fun stuff that will probably continue at least through May 3rd (or beyond). None of that is really in my control, either, so I can't go FIX it.

I've felt like this before and it usually passes. I'm sure this will too and it's probably also not all in my control. But I just don't feel 'Strong' and I'm kind of surprised that people are seeing it. I know we're often blind to ourselves and I'm guessing that this is one of those things. Maybe I'm pre-menstrual (such as it is).

Maybe strength is something we, ourselves, don't see? Maybe my self-esteem is so low right now that any sort of compliment is going to just be met with negativity? If so, I'm sorry...I don't mean it.

Yesterday's saga...

So, I woke up and Jack, who was curled up on me, started meowing very insistently at me before he got off of the bed. I noticed that he was moving a little slower than he usually does and when he rolled over on his side, he seemed uncomfortable. So, amazingly enough, I stuffed him into the cat carrier and trekked off to the vet, hoping that it was just a UTI or something like that.

He pee'd in the carrier and was examined by the vet who said that yes, he had crystals in his bladder. He also may have something going on with his eyes, but it probably wasn't related. I took him back home with medicine, special food, and about a cup and a half of plastic pellet 'litter' which I was to try to get him to pee in so I could get a sample with a syringe. Thing is, Jack didn't want to use that litter! I came home from work...no pee. I came home from gaming...no pee. This morning...no pee.

So, I called the vet again and they suggested bringing him in so they can get a sample by using a fine needle. So I go to get him into the carrier...he is not having it, almost takes off my face and goes to hide. Knowing that I won't be able to get him out of his hiding spot, I call the vet again and they suggest trying this evening. Now, I have a feeling that Jack just hates the plastic litter and is not using the box out of spite, so I ask if I can put his normal litter back in the box. They say it's up to me. I do...and the moment the top is on the box, Jack comes streaking out of his hiding spot under my bed and into the litter box...and pees!

AUGH!

So the plan is to try and catch him tonight and bring him in to see if they can get a sample. Little brat. I KNEW he was just waiting! At least he's not blocked though.

Not what I need right now! At least when I got home, last night, and this morning, he was acting like his usual self...aside from not wanting to get in the carrier and not using the litter box.