Just continuing...

Got Jack in the carrier when I got home...the growling and howling was horrendous...until we got outside. Then it became the most pitiful meows! Nice try, cat...but I'm impressed he tried the different tactics!

Of course, when we got the vet, his bladder was empty. All that trouble and they couldn't do anything! So, my sister and I are going to try some things this weekend and if that doesn't work, he goes back to the vet on Monday, before chemo, and I will pick him up after chemo.

He seems to be acting fine now *knock wood* and especially likes his new dry food.

On another note, my other sister put something up on my Facebook wall that I sort of felt like I had to question. She said something about my 'strength' and I asked her some about it and explained that I don't particularly feel 'strong'. I don't feel like I'm doing anything different...aside from feeling like crap more often than usual and taking more naps than I usually would. But my sister explained to me that it's just that mentality that she is using when she talks about 'strength' -- that I won't let this stop me.

Well, of course I won't! If I did that, I'd be poor, fat, and miserable! Ok, well, I'm sort of miserable (more sad and frustrated and uncomfortable) and I guess I'm not fat since apparently I've lost a little over an inch in my waist, and I'm trying not to be poor. But she meant that I'm still going about my life as normally as I can, I think, and that was strength to her. Hey, I'm find if they want to see it like that...I just don't feel it.

I just want this thing to be over and done with. I know we're almost half-way done, but I don't know how I'm going to get through two more months of this. I kind of hate the way I look (although I like having a 27" waist again...it means, though, that now all of my pants are too big because apparently I lost girth in my hips too...which held the pants up!), I'm lonely, I don't have an appetite for the foods that make me happy (I know, food shouldn't make anyone happy, but I dare anyone to try being unhappy while eating ice cream!), I don't have much spending money, the portocath is the most annoying thing EVER...all that fun stuff that will probably continue at least through May 3rd (or beyond). None of that is really in my control, either, so I can't go FIX it.

I've felt like this before and it usually passes. I'm sure this will too and it's probably also not all in my control. But I just don't feel 'Strong' and I'm kind of surprised that people are seeing it. I know we're often blind to ourselves and I'm guessing that this is one of those things. Maybe I'm pre-menstrual (such as it is).

Maybe strength is something we, ourselves, don't see? Maybe my self-esteem is so low right now that any sort of compliment is going to just be met with negativity? If so, I'm sorry...I don't mean it.