A weekend in pajamas.

So, after the whole ER debacle on Friday, I canceled my engagements this weekend and decided to just sort of lay low and heal up. Saturday, I slept in some until about 10:30am and had a temp of 98.6...not my usual temperature, but still well within 'normal'. II didn't change out of my pajamas and watched about 4 'teen' movies, including one of the 'Bring it on' sequels which, while predictable, was kind of cute.

Sunday I did much the same thing after scrambling to deal with some NEGASS issues -- I'm glad it all worked out, but gaah...I wish I could have been there to help!! I watched a few wedding show marathons and knitted (finished a shrug) -- I did spend a few hours helping my aunt with a project she was hired to knit, but the pattern was all messed up. So I broke it down, fixed it, and after about 4 or 5 phone calls, she decided that -I- would be the one to knit it and send it back to the person...and in the end, -I- would get the check! Hey, I can deal with that! I ordered the yarn, am having it express-shipped to me, so I should have it, I hope, by the middle of this week so that at the very worst, I can get this out by Monday.

Temp was down to normal.

I have a lot of phone calls to make tomorrow -- need to call one of the vets to see how much an eye consultation is going to be for Jack, and I need to call my oncologist. I'm kind of pissed off at her right now. When I told her about my coughing, she never explained or even offered up the possibility that it could actually be a rare side effect of the adriamycin. I have never wheezed before, but now, I am wheezing. I hope that this has not permanently damaged my lungs (although my chest x-ray on Friday was clear so one hopes that it will be ok). However, I am of the opinion that she could have considered this when I told her about the cough I had in January after the first treatment! That cough has not gone away! I also need to talk to her about the decadron steroid that I am supposed to take for the next round. I apparently have a pretty significant crash from the decadron, even when it has been tapered. I am also very nervous about sitting in a chair for 6 1/2 hours after getting a fairly high dose of Benadryl. While it may put most people to sleep, I have an adverse reaction where I get hyper. It's why Nyquil keeps me awake at night. So, I might not be bouncing, but I might be...I just don't know. I want to know if there is ANYTHING else that they can give me instead of those. One of the nurses mentioned giving me an Ativan, but I am NOT going to take a 'downer' after taking an 'upper'! She is also supposed to schedule an echocardiogram for me before I start taking chemo treatments that could damage my heart...yet I haven't heard from her about it.

So yeah. I'm not terribly happy right now...and she was out of town, on vacation, during my last chemo treatment when I had a bunch of questions for her (not to mention when I was in the ER, but she didn't know that).

I canceled any non-work commitment tomorrow (unless they call me to look at the kitten!) since I just need to take it easy before I go back to rehearsal on Wednesday. I also scheduled a coaching for Thursday, so hopefully I'll be over this congestion by then.

Mom is coming back Friday evening! I guess I should really clean up some. I meant to do so today, but sort of got stuck on the sofa...where I am now with a warm, fuzzy, purry cat. Poor Jack...either he was really sick of having me around today, or he's really lonely. I'm working on it though!

On another note...sort of, I've been sort of mulling over this for a while. I remember thinking, over the last few years, how lucky my family was not to have to deal with some sort of medical thing like, say, Breast Cancer. Maybe I jinxed it, but I would think about that and then pray that God would keep my family and loved ones safe, healthy, and happy. I didn't want to feel selfish by asking it for myself...but I do love myself (most of the time) so I hoped that I would be included. Then this happens and I'm forced to go through something that hurts my family and loved ones, and something that hurts me...not just my body, but my sense of self. I really hate that I've been forced to a point where I DON'T like myself. I DON'T like my self-image. I DON'T feel attractive. I'm sad, I'm lonely, and I'm forced to be ill for 4 months solid. I'm sure I'm not the first person to wonder 'why?' and I guess I should be glad that it's not any worse. I sincerely hope that it doesn't get any worse. I pray that it doesn't get worse. I really hate that I don't really enjoy eating much of anything right now...I hate that I don't enjoy sweets. I hate that a lot of things that I really enjoyed and things that made me happy (not that I used food to gauge happiness, but sometimes ice cream does boost one's mood) don't anymore. I haven't been singing much, mostly because I've either been sick from chemo or sick from a cold. The one day I did get to practice a couple of weeks ago felt fantastic -- everything seemed to work right in all of my trouble repertoire. I think that singing in 'Cosi' was a big help in that...like Michelle said, it really helped me find my real voice so now I can apply it to all of my repertoire. But I haven't sung since that day because I've felt too ill. I REALLY HATE that I've felt too ill to sing.

I'm not really angry at myself...I'm angry in general which is, I guess, better than giving in to the temptation of defeat. I just hope that once this is over, things will get back to normal and I'll be able to be happy again...that I'll be able to like myself again. I really do miss myself.