Regaining Control

I don't know if anyone is still reading this...I guess most of the journey has sort of levelled out now that I'm 3 1/2 years out. The 3 year anniversary of the end of Chemo passed me by without a thought as did the 2 year anniversary of the end of Herceptin. I still have a moment of panic whenever I feel any sort of twinge or bit of pain in either breast, but I figure that with the many appointments I still have, if something was funky, someone would notice. The mammogram would catch it...or the blood work...or the doctor. In Therapy, we've barely touched on my self-image issues. We've mostly been focusing on my job and organization issues which are discussed in a not-yet-shared blog. We briefly chatted about the self-image and dating issues a couple of sessions ago, but a lot of the issue revolves around my hair. I think that the stress that I currently have isn't helping matters any but my hair isn't what it was before the chemo. I think I'm one of the 'unlucky' ones whose hair came back thinner than before. I tried to keep it long, but it's not making me happy. So, after the session where we talked about it, I heard, on Facebook, about a stylist in Jamaica Plain who was apparently great with curly hair...so I made an appointment. It isn't until the end of the month, but at this point, I'm so fed up with feeling this way that I just want to do SOMETHING. Maybe I'm hoping that the haircut will be all it takes to make me feel better about myself. Maybe I'm putting too much power of my self-image in my hair. That could also be a problem because what if I don't feel better about things? The plan is to go in, prepared with pictures of shorter cuts, and say 'Do what you need to do to make it look nice. If you cut it short, please leave enough for curl.' What happens will happen. But, in 2 1/2 years, my hair hasn't grown much past my shoulders and that makes me sad. But the reason for the title is this: I went in for my checkup in March and was talking to one of the Oncology nurses there and it came up that I wasn't happy with my hair and that I was considering cutting it short again. The nurse looked at me and said, and I'm paraphrasing, 'When you lost your hair before, it wasn't something you can control. But when you cut your hair now, it's all in your control.' I feel like so little is within my control right now, that it's one thing I can grasp on to. I'm actually kind of looking forward to it. My hair will be short-er, definitely. Whether it will be short is uncertain, but I am going to go in there, tell the stylist what is going on, and leave it in her hopefully trustworthy hands. I've even contacted a headshot photographer in case I need to get new headshots. The trek is annoying, but it's not going into NYC and I get two digital files with the very affordable cost...and his work was nice. We'll see. Maybe that's all it will take for me to start feeling better about myself...although I think having a new job that actually wants me there and utilizes my skills other than my ability to open mail and my awareness of the alphabet would also help a great deal. But I'm trying to regain control.

Interesting revelations...

At least, in regards to my singing. So, I have to present a couple of pieces this weekend for some composers. We were told to choose pieces we felt showed us off best. I couldn't decide between four pieces so I sent a potential 'Two of these four' and will decide probably the day of or something. I also brought these pieces into my voice lesson yesterday. I sang through the first piece and then the second...and then my teacher said 'What are you trying to tell them about yourself through these pieces? What makes you, as a singer, special?' I paused. I had no immediate answer. I finally said 'I know what I -don't- want to show' and so we started there. I didn't want to show a sustained, high tessitura -- when composers know you have high notes, they tend to write music in the stratosphere and I don't like singing there. I didn't want to show that I only had high notes. Interestingly enough, my teacher said 'That's just what this one, particular piece is showing. I finally figured out what I -did- want to show...and it had nothing to do with my vocalism. I wanted to show: I am a strong actress I am willing to take risks. I am musical and intelligent I am imaginative and quirky None of this has to actually do with my voice. It's about what I have to say. This was...amazingly revelatory for me. I guess I never thought about 'having something to say' as being things like this. Why does it always take me so long to figure these things out? Why couldn't I have done it 10 years ago when I would have had a chance of being more...desired for performances? Better late than never, I suppose. But now, I have Something To Say!

No idea if this is related...

...or if it's due to the 'forbidden' Parmesan cheese I had the other day or some very frustrating social issues that cropped up recently, but I feel terrible. Small, worthless, depressed. I just had a checkup with my GP and she seemed to think everything was fine. I mentioned my sleep issues and her answer was, 'Well, you can try these supplements but basically you just need to force yourself to get up earlier.' Great. But that's not really why I'm feeling this. I don't really know why, but this loss of confidence is stronger than it's been in a while. Maybe it's just everything together. Back when I was about 11 or 12...early Middle School years, I spent time with a group of girls who were, in theory, my friends. I remember one sleepover in particular at one of the girls' house...I think her name was Rachel. I remember she and her family were Orthodox Jews and walked to Synagogue...they were the first like that that I remember knowing. So I was at this slumber party with a few other girls and I just remember that they separated themselves from me and started whispering and giggling whenever I looked over at them. To a 12 year old girl, that's devastating. It's one of those things that sticks with you and that's how I feel now, like that 12 year old girl who is being whispered and talked about behind her back and even right in front of her face. That girl comes out every now and then, especially when I'm with a group of women who...well, they would have been the popular girls. They're the ones who like wine and go out to fancy bars and schmooze with guys and wear designer clothes. They have boyfriends or husbands and like cosmopolitans...they're my generation's 'Ladies who Lunch' and I'm just not like that. I have a messy apartment and like eclectic things and wear comic-book t-shirts and collect dragons. Yet sometimes I'm forced to spend time with them due to singing things...and I often try to force myself to socialize, but then they end up talking about things I don't know of care about and I fall silent. I'm back being that 12 year old girl. Due to this, I like to think that I'm fairly sensitive to hurting others' feelings -- as in, I don't want to hurt them! Then, when I'm told that I did, somehow, even though I never would mean to hurt anyone's feelings, I feel absolutely horrible. The other person had incorrect information and obviously didn't believe me when I swore that I never said what I was accused of saying, and while they said they were willing to move on, I don't think they are. So I'm trying to keep my distance...but it doesn't stop me from feeling terrible. I feel like a waste of space right now. I have no real purpose. I have a dead-end job, my singing is going nowhere, and my apartment is a mess to the point where I don't even know where to start in making it clean. Only my cats seem to really care if I'm around and that's mostly to feed them. I don't like this.

It's been a while...

...and I don't know if anyone is still reading. Sometimes, though, I want to say things that I don't want to share with the 500+ 'friends' on Facebook or the few who really never comment on LiveJournal. It's still related to this journey so I think it's only fitting to post it here.

I never found a therapist. I tried calling about 4 different ones and none were really willing to help me. While one blatantly told me 'It's normal and it'll go away', it still wasn't helping me. When things are chemically wonky in the brain and I'm going through a form of PTSD, telling me 'It's all ok' really doesn't do much. The good thing is, eventually, a lot of it -did- go away. I'm far less anxious and feel much more even now.

I only need mammograms every year now. I will still be checking in with various doctors every 3 months and getting blood tests for markers every 6 months, but it's a good thing.

The weird thing, though, is that every twinge or ache or bout of heartburn or stomach upset or headache or, really, anything has me jumping to 'What if it's back?' I know that's 'normal' too, but I don't like it. I have trouble getting to sleep at night and then trouble waking up in the morning. It's getting better if I go to bed before midnight and read a little, but it's still not easy. Then I get anxious over the cats...I guess this is why I'm writing all of this here. It's in place of the therapy I'm not able to find.

I have doctor appointments in March and I will be telling them that I worry about every twinge and ache and that I have a hard time both getting to sleep and waking up. We'll see what they say about that.

Decided to celebrate quietly...

Yesterday was my 1 year 'End-iversary' in which I had my final chemotherapy treatment. I thought about doing something and saying something, but I decided that if I acknowledged everything, I'd be...well, there would be a lot of that in a 6 month stretch. So I let it pass quietly as I pondered things walking back from the T on my way home from work (I'm trying to drive in less often. It means my commute is over twice as long, but it's greener and it's making me get out and about a little more). I will try to buy a cupcake or two this evening on my way home as it's 'Boston Bakes for Breast Cancer' week and Kickass Cupcakes may (or may not) have their chosen flavor for this in gluten free. I suppose I should probably call. Still, $3 is fine to celebrate this in a small way.

After this, there are no BC milestones until December...aside from my 'every 6 month' checkup and mammogram. It is getting easier to not think about it all though...but it means that other thoughts are coming to the forefront and those are the thoughts that might even be more debilitating (as mentioned in previous posts).

But yay...happy End-iversary to me!

Rough weekend...

So, I had a bit of a rough weekend...there were some very nice parts of it, but also some really difficult parts.

On Saturday I took the cats to the vet for their annual checkup and so that the vet could meet Chachi. Chachi was very obedient and good and calm until they got to clipping his claws and then they brought in a vet tech to help hold him. He has ear gook so now I have to give him ear drops and clean out his ears twice a day, ick. Jack, on the other hand, was growling and hissing the entire time and the vet and vet tech had to don welding gloves and get a towel in order to get his vaccines and clip his claws -- the vet didn't really even get a chance to weigh him or look at his teeth :(. We weighed him in the carrier and he was about 15 lbs in that...and I looked up and saw that the carrier weighed 3 lbs so he lost a little weight. He was chubby so he needed to lose a little. I felt so bad, but was assured that he wasn't the worst they had seen nor was he the worst that they would see that day. It is yet another reason why I am taking them to a cat-only vet!

Saturday afternoon, Ed and I went to the Gore Place Sheepshearing festival where I helped out with a Local Yarn Store's booth and walked around. I ended up buying some fudge and some more yarn...shame on me, I know, but it's for a specific project, I swear!! I even have the buttons for it!

Sunday was really the tough day. I woke up and read an email from a local voice teacher I had contacted about a consultation. She emailed that she was very sorry, but her private studio was so full that she couldn't even squeeze in a consultation. Couple that with the fact that my current teacher has decided not to continue teaching in Boston, I was feeling kind of screwed. Later that day, I was going into Boston to a concert and figured I'd get there early, park, and go into the Conservatory to practice. I should have checked in advance to see if there was a Red Sox game...and there was. That meant no parking. Of course, in my already screwed up thoughts, it was just the straw breaking the camel's back -- I couldn't find a voice teacher and I couldn't even practice. Was this the universe telling me to give up singing? If I didn't have that, what good would I be? I think it was the most depressed and hopeless I've felt in a very, very long time if ever. I could almost understand how people could have suicidal thoughts. Again, I know it's part of the PTSD going on, but I can't even find a therapist who is able to meet with me!

I mean, really...what is Fate trying to do here? Am I not messed up enough?

I made it to the concert and put on a brave face and enjoyed myself. Going back home was hard but I had TV shows to distract me until it was time to go to bed. I did get to practice yesterday and I did feel better after that, but it's still not easy. I know that there's a way to get these Thought Vampires out of my head or at least mute them, but I can't do it myself and I can't find someone to talk to about it. I feel very stymied by things out of my control and I don't know how I can take control back.

Research Studies...

...can be interesting things. When I went for my second opinion at Dana Farber, I was asked if I wanted to participate in a Research Study that would be focusing on Young Women with Breast Cancer. I agreed and have done some rather long surveys and sent in some blood samples as they've requested.

Earlier this month, I went to a Forum for young women under 45 who went through this to discuss some issues. I found out that it was because some Researchers were trying to put together some information for those who are younger and have to go through all of this. There's a lot of support and information if you're a woman in your 60's and such, but not so much (if any) if you're under 40. We have different issues. Many of us have not yet started families.

I met some great people that night (and I'm still in touch with one of them) and there were a couple of issues...one woman was VERY angry at EVERYTHING but...yeah.

Anyways, I got an email from the group telling me that there's going to be a Conference in Quincy at the beginning of June to discuss some of these issues and have panels and all. Do I want to go? HELL YES! I just have to wait and see if I need to go out of town that weekend or not. The thing is, I might not know until right at the registration deadline! Erk! But for $25, it seems like a great way to spend the day as apparently a lot of the panels and discussion groups will be covering some of the issues I really want to discuss somewhere.

I just hope that I find out whether or not I'm going out of town that weekend before May 20th!

The search continues...

...for a Therapist. I called someone else, but she doesn't have time either. She then called a few more of her colleagues for me and no one has any appointments after 5pm.

Yeah, no, I cannot take 2 hours out of my workday to go to this. I mean, I probably could, but I find it hard to believe that there isn't a place that understands that yes, some people do work 9-5. I know that they don't want to work late either, but gaah! It's really very frustrating!

On another note, I actually felt pretty when I went to an audition yesterday. The hair was working, the make-up was working...something just fell into place. It was really bittersweet because I used to feel that way far more often. Today it wasn't quite as 'pretty', but it was ok. I was stood up for a date and went into the local Comic book shop and I do admit, they guys there (whom I've known for a little bit now) were very complimentary. Apparently, if I showed up there on a Wednesday night (their gaming night? Graphic Novel night?) and announced 'I'm looking for a date' they'd be lined up out the door...according to one of them. It's something that I needed to hear. Maybe I'm just that vain, I don't know.

I made an appointment to get my hair cut on Thursday. I'm going to see how I feel about my hair tomorrow -- I was frustrated with it last week, but I've had two people compliment my hair and tell me how much it looked like Audrey Hepburn's hair in 'Roman Holiday' which is a big plus in my book! So, I guess worse comes to worse, I can cancel the appointment, but I haven't had it styled since Thanksgiving. It might be due.

Another long-hair dream last night.

My hair was long and straight, but I didn't care because it was SUDDENLY LONG!

Again, I woke up disappointed because my hair was still short.

I've also been staring at this Therapist phone number for a couple of weeks now. So, I called the therapist that was recommended to me and after 2 days of telephone tag, we got a hold of one another and she said 'Oh, I don't have evening hours for you and I don't take your insurance. By the way, what you're feeling is normal'.

Uhm.

Gee.

Yes, I know it's normal after what I've gone through. IT DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY EASIER TO DEAL WITH!!! Intellectually, I know it's normal. Intellectually, I know that it's something that needs to be fixed. Intellectually, I know how silly it is to be feeling all of this because it's just not true. Emotionally, I'm a wreck. Isn't it the therapist's job to help with the whole Emotional part?

So I've tried calling one person she recommended and the phone goes dead every time I call. That does not bode well. Naturally, I'm hesitating calling a third. What if she's a jerk too? I don't want to give my money to a jerk! I don't want to be spilling my guts with my silly insecurities and frustrations to a jerk!

I don't know if I should just start calling down the Insurance company's list of mental health providers or what. But then it's the whole 'This person is a total stranger' thing, but I guess it has to start somewhere, right?

Some days I think it's ok but then I completely sabotage myself. So, I don't know. I really don't.

It is OFFICIALLY DONE!!!

The last Herceptin treatment was on Monday, March 7th (the day after my birthday). To celebrate, my dad took me and my sisters to Orlando for the week before(my sisters came down on Thursday-Sunday) to celebrate. That's a whole other post, but I had a really fun time and am TOTALLY in love with Hogsmeade at Universal Studios. I also got some amazing pictures of Disney characters in Topiary form and butterflies from Epcot's Garden Festival. I got to spend a day with one of my best friends from HS who lives down there and his lovely wife who is just adorable and sweet! I got to run around the parks with my dad who is an amazing sport for going on roller coasters with me, and my sisters...who whined most of the time, but it was good to see them.

So, back to the whole 'IT'S DONE!' thing!

Monday, 3/7 was the last Herceptin treatment. I got to talk to the oncologist for a little bit and she told me to make an official appointment for a '3 month checkup' in April. Of course, I left my water bottle there...meh. But that was done! I then got to schedule the port removal! That was scheduled, after going back and forth due to other appointments, on Monday, 3/11.

I went for my yearly checkup to my PCP on Wednesday and we chatted about it and she was very glad I was done as well! I can't imagine that it's easy for any physician to give such news and she even gave me her home number the weekend I was diagnosed if I wanted to talk and she would send me emails every now and then to check in. I appreciated it. She looked up my bloodwork -- aside from being anemic (no surprise there) everything looked good *knock wood*! Yay! On an unrelated note, I agreed to pay for/have a blood test done that would test non-anaphylactic allergies to 96 foods. It might be nice to see what could have been giving me my tummy issues for the last 25 years. I should get those results next week or so.

On Saturday I went for my second-to-last Echo (I hope)...one more in 3 months to make sure that the Herceptin didn't mess up my heart. Then, on 3/11 I went in to get the port removed!!! They had a really hard time getting an IV in (which is why I had the port in the first place) and ended up having to use my hand and some Lidocaine (I always think of Iocane) and topical numbing agents to get the stupid needle in. The surgeon asked if I wanted to keep the port and I told him he could burn the thing. Now I'm sore but port free!!! It's done!!! Afterwards, I made my appointment in April, said goodbye to my Oncology nurse and promised to come visit and even ran into the Social Worker on the way out! I did ask her for the name of a therapist and she gave me one...I need to give her a call. But it's done!!!

This morning, while my hair was still wet, I realized that the sides were now long enough to pull back with a bobby-pin...or in my case, a decorative bobby pin. Before, I could just stick the pin/clips in and they'd mostly stay, but the hair is actually pulled back!! That was actually really pleasant to discover.

So, it's DONE!!! I sincerely hope I never have to go through this again! Ever!

The dreams are getting more frequent...

I think I've had at least 4 now...maybe 5.

The dreams tend to start out as dreams. Different events, different feel...but at one point in each of the dreams, I look into a mirror and realize 'Hey! My hair is long enough to style! It's long enough to pull back away from my face! It's long enough to pull up half and stick a barrette in it! It's long enough to pull into a ponytail!' It's a sudden and wonderfully joyful feeling when I go looking (still in my dream) for any barrette that might have survived my cats' boredom.

Then, I wake up and look in the mirror...and it's still short.

Do I like it short? Eh. I can't decide if I think it looks good or if it makes my face look too round. I know I don't like not being able to do anything with it. I just bought some 'surf wax' (for the hair) to help give it texture and bring out the curls, but it's not the same as having it really style-able.

It's also at the point where I am not seeing the growth. Last time, it was sort of an overnight thing. I went from feeling like I had nothing but peach-fuzz:



To feeling a little stylish:



To feeling like...it hasn't grown much since the top picture (which was taken over Thanksgiving). It has...it's longer, a little curlier, but it doesn't feel like it has. Granted, I felt like I woke up one day and it went from the peach fuzz to the longer hair.

Maybe it'll really be like in my dream and one day I'll wake up and it'll suddenly be long enough to pull back.

One-Year check-in.

So, there are a bunch of dates that I could have 'checked in' on...December 4th, the date of my diagnosis, December 11th, the date of the surgery...but I decided to write something on January 20th, the 1 year anniversary of when I started Chemotherapy.

I can't believe it was a year ago. It feels like it was a decade ago...or a couple months ago. But it's been an entire year today. My mom was by my side a year ago today and I had rehearsal that night for Cosi fan tutte despite having the port put in and having sat through 4 or 5 hours of chemo. My mom and I were talking to the nurses, to Beth, the Social Worker/Advocate, and the oncologist. We were planning what foods to get and what to do for dinner. We were planning the next couple of days and getting my long hair cut as short as I can get it and picking up my new, curly wig. We also planned getting new living room furniture and schlepping down to Jordan's and IKEA, depending on how I was feeling. We knitted a lot...I gave my mom a ton of yarn that I just hadn't used and didn't have projects for. She made me eat. I think I had some soup from Whole Foods that night and my mom thought that her chicken soup had chicken-hearts in it...until she cut a chunk open and saw that it was really just dark meat.

So. The yearly Mammogram was fine. The check up with the surgeon had her declaring 'You're at 110%! I don't think I've ever seen you looking this good!' The oncologist says things are fine. I'm participating in a Young Women's Breast Cancer study at Dana-Farber which means a few blood tests and lots of surveys. So far, so good!

I admit, the fear is less intense now. Some days, I don't even think about it until my boob hurts from my bra or something or I look down and see the scar. Every time I go into the hospital though, I do think about it. I don't need another mammogram for 6 months. My herceptin treatments will be over the beginning of March and the port can be removed. I'll probably have to check in ever 3 months with one doctor or another for the next 5 years.

My hair is now long enough to hold some barrettes and clips. I also found some headbands that I've been wearing to change things up a bit. My 'sideburns' can almost be brushed behind my ears and my bangs can almost be pulled back out of my face. For the longest time, I didn't feel like I was seeing any hair growth, but I am now and it's kind of a relief. I started crocheting flowers to add to barrettes but so far, the one that I made is HUGE! I think I need to use both smaller yarn and a smaller hook.

My weight is evening out, I think...with a bit of work and a bit of watching what I eat...and how much I eat. I haven't had as much time to hula-hoop lately (being sick also didn't help) but I'm enjoying that as a work-out. I feel like my clothes are finally fitting better.

Auditions haven't been going well so far. Aside from having to cancel one due to illness, I haven't landed anything I've auditioned for thus far. I'm still waiting to hear back from one place and have another audition tomorrow, so keep your fingers crossed! I have to wonder if it's the short hair...the fact that I feel chubby...or maybe my singing sucks now? I don't think it's the latter as I think my friends would tell me. Maybe I need to get new headshots? The thing is, I don't know that I'm going to keep the short hair. Part of me thinks it's cute but then I see myself in pictures and my face just looks round. Maybe I need to lose more weight? Maybe I just don't photograph well or need to stretch my neck or something?

Singing has been feeling ok of late. I feel like I have my stamina back (and then some) and I feel like the color is back. I have a consultation in New York tomorrow with another teacher and I'm curious as to what she's going to say about it.

The cats seem to be doing well! No snuggling yet, but they play a lot! Today, even, Jack played the 'tail game' with Chachi...a game that Maggie used to play with him! It was really very sweet. They've groomed each other a few times as well, but it always devolves into a wrestling match. Chachi is a hoot though -- what a funny cat! He is just full of personality!

I may be writing in here more as more 'Anniversaries' come about. I've had some time to reflect and I think it's time to put some other thoughts down. It was kind of nice -- I was at a party earlier this month and a friend said to me, "I think you handled what you went through better than anyone I've known. You basically said 'I don't have time for this!' and kept going!" Ok, so I paraphrased a little, but that was mostly it. I was also told by another friend that the party I threw in July was "So much fun!" and that I looked great in my sundress and giant earrings then. I admit, that party was one of the best times I think I ever had. It was so amazing seeing everyone who was able to show up and to know that they were there to support and celebrate me and what I had gone through. Even now, it makes me tear up a little just thinking about it. I have some amazing friends.

I'm also thinking about doing the Susan G. Komen 3-Day this year. My sisters have talked about coming up for it to walk with me and a shop owner has offered to sponsor me. It's a lot to think about and I'd need to start training soonish, I would think as 60 miles is a lot. But part of it is also giving back, I think. That, and I want to wear the awesome 'Team Aardvark' T-shirt that my sister had made for me for her race last year! Anyone else want to walk with me?

I should probably get going for now...I get to have an adventure this weekend. Keep your fingers crossed that it all goes well!!

So, kind of odd this weekend...

I went down to Providence, RI to sing at their Waterfire event. Basically, they have these bonfires in the river and for this particular night, they station sopranos (and this year, mezzos) in spots along the river, pump in karaoke tracks of some famous arias and duets, and we sing live from there. It's about 2 hours and then we go back to a central stage to each sing an aria of our choice in a final concert.

Anyways, after the first or second aria, I was sitting and waiting until it was my turn to sing next when I had someone who was in the 'audience' get my attention. She said that she was a nurse and asked if I was a 'survivor'. I was rather surprised, but I answered 'Yes, I am'. She said that she had noticed my port (my dress showed it) and had a 2 year old with a portocath right now. I asked her to send my good thoughts to the 2 year old and she said she would...and that I looked and sounded great and 'congratulations'.

Then, today at the Longwood 'Patience' sing, we were packing up and one older woman came up to me and asked, 'May I ask you a question? I guess it's kind of personal, but are you a survivor? I noticed the haircut and I had to ask'. I said that yes, I was. She told me that she had been a survivor since 1982 (and she was 82 years old). We talked a little bit and I wished her well and she wished me well.

At the Waterfire concert I caught up with another singer from an earlier program and she asked about the hair...so I told her as well. We talked a bit and she asked me 'So, are you happy it's over? How do you feel about it?' and I said, after a little bit of thought, 'You know what? I've got this fear now that I'm always going to have to live with. I'm scared that it's going to come back.'

As I think about it and as I see things like Jewel's song on the Emmy Awards (which just played), I don't want to be the one who loses that fight. Every time I feel a twinge, I wonder 'Uh-oh...do I need to be worried?'. I think about it at least once every day. I really kind of hate that I'm going to have to live with this for the rest of my life...which I hope to be a long, full, rich one. I know that we did this just to be sure; when I had my follow-up appointment a few weeks ago with the oncologist, she reiterated that there was no cancer when we started the chemotherapy so technically, I didn't have it any longer and I hadn't since the lumpectomy. She also seemed very positive that it would stay away, but I really hate that it will always be in my mind and always affecting me and causing fear. I can try to hide the fear. I can try to squelch it. But I don't know if it will ever go away.

See, this is why I didn't broadcast this!!!

So, at the Longwood G&S rehearsal on Sunday, the same pianist who made the rude remark the previous Wednesday was there again. I was there first (as I had the key to let people in) and when they saw me, the coordinator of the evening (who did not know and had not seen me since I stopped wearing the wig) said 'Oh! Your hair shrunk!' which was fine. I just smiled. Then the pianist went up to her, as smug as can be and thinking he was oh, so clever, and started regaling what he had asked me a few nights ago.

I wasn't going to let anything like that go again so I marched right up to them and said, 'Actually, I had 4 months of chemotherapy and this is my hair growing back.' It shut them up but good!

Of course, now the coordinator has gone and blabbed it about. I got a Facebook message from an acquaintance who said 'Oh, X told Y and then Y told me about this...yadda yadda yadda'. UGH!

I don't know whether it's too late to email the coordinator and say 'Look. Stop talking about me. This is my news, not your's'. I think it's already been blabbed all over.

I have no words...

I went to sing a concert last night with many people who had not seen the short hair yet. One of whom was the pianist whom I have known for a few years now. I knew that he was socially awkward but this just kind of had me flabbergasted.

He came up to me and said 'I hope that your haircut is an homage to the weather and not a change in your orientation.'


I'm sorry, what??

I think I stared at him in disbelief for a moment before I simply said, 'My orientation has not changed.'

Really? I mean, REALLY??? I should have said 'Actually, it's an homage to cancer, you jackass'.

If he says something to me about it again, I will most likely let him have it.

I cannot believe anyone would be so rude! Not only is it an awful thing to say, implying that it doesn't look nice, but my orientation is none of his business!

I must have gotten half a dozen compliments on my hair when I was in Richmond this past weekend -- from people I didn't even know! And then this schmuck comes around and tells me that I'm looking like some stereotype of a lesbian as if that's a bad thing.

What a complete and utter jerk.

I'm all faklempt!

So, first of all, it was so amazing to see so many of my friends out at Firefly's on Sunday. It meant so much to have everyone there and to know that we were all celebrating the end of this. I did tear up a few times and I had a lovely evening. I hope everyone did too! For those of you who couldn't make it, I know that you were definitely there in spirit! We had 31 adults and 4 kids -- and we had an entire section of the restaurant! Our server was fantastic and the food was very yummy!

I debuted my new super-short 'do that night and it seemed to go over well. The next day though, I got greeted by, 'Hi there, Butch!' at a rehearsal (from someone who didn't know) but knowing the guy I knew he had a strange sense of humor and I just brushed it aside. After all, I was wearing very girly clothes and knew that I was nowhere near being 'butch'. I did have more people (mostly women) coming up to me saying that they thought it was fantastic. I got asked 'why the change?' and didn't feel like lying, so I told them what had gone on in the previous months. They were all amazingly supportive.

The next night, at the concert, I had more questions of 'Why did you cut off your luscious, curly hair??' from fellow singers and I told them why. They then insisted that the hair looked great -- in fact, the same guy who called me 'Butch' said that it was 'really very sexy'. So I'm both Butch AND Sexy! I had a few other singers saying 'I heard indirectly about what you were going through' (from whom???) and 'I'm so glad you're doing well...you look/sound great' which was odd, but I guess that news will spread no matter what we do. I just didn't want to make a Facebook announcement or anything like that.

On Wednesday at the knitting group, one of the 'regulars' brought a friend who seemed very nice and friendly. Another regular, as I was leaving, commented on my hair, saying that she 'loved it' and the newcomer said 'I do too! It's so edgy! I want to cut my hair that short...is your work ok with it?' and I simply said 'They have no choice,' and told her why it was so short. We then got into a brief discussion about how and why our hair texture can change and I said mine is too short to tell, but I'm really hoping for more curls.

I haven't had any auditions yet, but I found it rather interesting that all of the auditions I did with my wig did not result in a casting. Coincidence? Possibly. A few of those were longshots, but still. Very interesting.


Edited to add pictures!!!

Warning: Girly stuff below!

I AM NOT MENOPAUSAL!!!

I was feeling a little crampy and lo and behold...my period began! The first since the beginning of February!

I have never been so happy to get my period.

DONE!!!

No more Radiation for me!!! I have not yet exhibited any superpowers, which is rather sad considering all the radiation I have been blasted with in the last 2 months.

Now I just have the herceptin infusions ever 3 weeks, which are annoying, but tolerable since it's only once or twice a month.

I was given a book recommendation to read (they give it to all of them) but I don't really know that I'm going to get a feeling of being 'let down' now that all of this crap is over. It's not like it's been the only thing going on in my life -- not by a longshot! I'm really glad that I don't need to deal with it anymore and can really turn my attention on to other things...which doesn't sound like a let-down to me! More like a return to normalcy!!

Only two more Radiation Treatments!

And then I'm done!! Hooooorrraaayyy!!!

There is going to be a celebratory party at Firefly's in Framingham (235 Old Connecticut Path, Framingham, MA) at 6pm on Sunday, July 18th. If I haven't already tagged you on Facebook, consider yourself invited (only please RSVP so I can make reservations).

The issue with the voice recorder may have been worked out. I had some people listen to it and they thought that the recording was TOO CLOSE!! So the documentation for it LIED!!! I recorded Tuesday's Longwood Concert from the balcony and I like it so much better! I don't even need to add in reverb. So that's a relief!

I had my last appointment with my Radiation Oncologist (until June 2011) on Wednesday and we were talking about what will happen next and all sorts of things. She looked through my notes and said (I'm paraphrasing some of this):

'We don't like to use the term 'cured' because, well, we never know what might happen down the road. But you should consider yourself cured.'

I think I almost lost it right then and there! I did call my mom, dad, and sisters, so I think there's going to be a lot of celebrating going on.

I still have to decide (fairly soonish) where I want to go on a Dad-sponsored vacation with him and my sisters. One sister wants the beach/someplace warm. The other sister wants snow-activites, but not in a place we've been before. I don't really know what I want! I'd love to go skiing because I don't often get to go, but the idea of going someplace warmer in January/February is also very appealing. So many choices!

In a bad mood.

Part of the reason for this is that I am exhausted.

Another part is that it's really, REALLY hot out and I have no AC.

Yet another is that I am sitting at the Reception desk at work when I have work that I need to get done.

Probably the main reason right now though, is the fact that I'm being very vain...when I know that I shouldn't be. Yet, I am.

I'm doing summer concerts all summer...sometimes two in one week. Many of the locations do not have AC. This means that it's really very hot and stuffy. It also means that wearing my wig makes me even hotter.

Sure, I could go out without my wig. The hair isn't very long yet, but it covers my scalp. However, it doesn't look like a haircut. It LOOKS like I lost my hair and I don't like it.

I'm one week from being done with Radiation, but I don't seem to have enough hair for me to want to go out without some sort of head-covering. Why? I guess I don't want the stares. I guess I'm feeling self-conscious about it. I AM A STRONG WOMAN, DAMMIT!!! I shouldn't have to be shrinking back and nervous about vanity, yet I am.

I have a date this weekend...unless this one cancels on me too. It's supposed to be hot. It means that I either have to wear the wig and be extra hot or explain to him before we even meet face-to-face for the first time that 'By the way, I have short hair now. Really Short. I bet it's shorter than your's'.

It doesn't make me feel pretty. I know that the only person I need to feel pretty for is myself, but when one is single and hopeful, it's really hard to stay firm with that. If I already had a significant other who I knew wouldn't run at the sight of me, I'd probably feel different. But being single and sort of looking...and being a soprano trying to expand her career, the fact that I'm afraid of what people are going to think of my LOOKS is a real consideration. As it is, I feel weird sending out my headshot to places because I know my hair won't get back to that length for a couple of years. I'm afraid that when I walk out onto that stage for the first time this summer without my wig, there will be points and stares and whispers; that when I walk out for an audition without my wig, they'll whisper about my looks and not even listen to my voice or consider my acting...and then they'll not even consider me because my headshot is not an 'accurate representation'.

I didn't want to get interim headshots...I can't even do that for another few months when the hair is in more.

I hate feeling this vain and concerned about what other people think. I should be stronger than that, but it's been frustrating the hell out of me.

Edited to Add: Another reason why I'm in a bad mood -- the brand new voice recorder I got works great! However, the voice that comes out of it is not a voice that I like. I've tried it up close, I've tried it further back. The voice just doesn't sound pretty to me. It sounds...cool. Not at all warm. Not at all beautiful. Maybe I need to just deal and come to terms with the fact that I don't have a beautiful voice. The problem then comes in that people don't hire 'interesting' or 'cool' voices. They hire 'beautiful' and 'luscious' voices.