Another long-hair dream last night.

My hair was long and straight, but I didn't care because it was SUDDENLY LONG!

Again, I woke up disappointed because my hair was still short.

I've also been staring at this Therapist phone number for a couple of weeks now. So, I called the therapist that was recommended to me and after 2 days of telephone tag, we got a hold of one another and she said 'Oh, I don't have evening hours for you and I don't take your insurance. By the way, what you're feeling is normal'.

Uhm.

Gee.

Yes, I know it's normal after what I've gone through. IT DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY EASIER TO DEAL WITH!!! Intellectually, I know it's normal. Intellectually, I know that it's something that needs to be fixed. Intellectually, I know how silly it is to be feeling all of this because it's just not true. Emotionally, I'm a wreck. Isn't it the therapist's job to help with the whole Emotional part?

So I've tried calling one person she recommended and the phone goes dead every time I call. That does not bode well. Naturally, I'm hesitating calling a third. What if she's a jerk too? I don't want to give my money to a jerk! I don't want to be spilling my guts with my silly insecurities and frustrations to a jerk!

I don't know if I should just start calling down the Insurance company's list of mental health providers or what. But then it's the whole 'This person is a total stranger' thing, but I guess it has to start somewhere, right?

Some days I think it's ok but then I completely sabotage myself. So, I don't know. I really don't.

It is OFFICIALLY DONE!!!

The last Herceptin treatment was on Monday, March 7th (the day after my birthday). To celebrate, my dad took me and my sisters to Orlando for the week before(my sisters came down on Thursday-Sunday) to celebrate. That's a whole other post, but I had a really fun time and am TOTALLY in love with Hogsmeade at Universal Studios. I also got some amazing pictures of Disney characters in Topiary form and butterflies from Epcot's Garden Festival. I got to spend a day with one of my best friends from HS who lives down there and his lovely wife who is just adorable and sweet! I got to run around the parks with my dad who is an amazing sport for going on roller coasters with me, and my sisters...who whined most of the time, but it was good to see them.

So, back to the whole 'IT'S DONE!' thing!

Monday, 3/7 was the last Herceptin treatment. I got to talk to the oncologist for a little bit and she told me to make an official appointment for a '3 month checkup' in April. Of course, I left my water bottle there...meh. But that was done! I then got to schedule the port removal! That was scheduled, after going back and forth due to other appointments, on Monday, 3/11.

I went for my yearly checkup to my PCP on Wednesday and we chatted about it and she was very glad I was done as well! I can't imagine that it's easy for any physician to give such news and she even gave me her home number the weekend I was diagnosed if I wanted to talk and she would send me emails every now and then to check in. I appreciated it. She looked up my bloodwork -- aside from being anemic (no surprise there) everything looked good *knock wood*! Yay! On an unrelated note, I agreed to pay for/have a blood test done that would test non-anaphylactic allergies to 96 foods. It might be nice to see what could have been giving me my tummy issues for the last 25 years. I should get those results next week or so.

On Saturday I went for my second-to-last Echo (I hope)...one more in 3 months to make sure that the Herceptin didn't mess up my heart. Then, on 3/11 I went in to get the port removed!!! They had a really hard time getting an IV in (which is why I had the port in the first place) and ended up having to use my hand and some Lidocaine (I always think of Iocane) and topical numbing agents to get the stupid needle in. The surgeon asked if I wanted to keep the port and I told him he could burn the thing. Now I'm sore but port free!!! It's done!!! Afterwards, I made my appointment in April, said goodbye to my Oncology nurse and promised to come visit and even ran into the Social Worker on the way out! I did ask her for the name of a therapist and she gave me one...I need to give her a call. But it's done!!!

This morning, while my hair was still wet, I realized that the sides were now long enough to pull back with a bobby-pin...or in my case, a decorative bobby pin. Before, I could just stick the pin/clips in and they'd mostly stay, but the hair is actually pulled back!! That was actually really pleasant to discover.

So, it's DONE!!! I sincerely hope I never have to go through this again! Ever!

The dreams are getting more frequent...

I think I've had at least 4 now...maybe 5.

The dreams tend to start out as dreams. Different events, different feel...but at one point in each of the dreams, I look into a mirror and realize 'Hey! My hair is long enough to style! It's long enough to pull back away from my face! It's long enough to pull up half and stick a barrette in it! It's long enough to pull into a ponytail!' It's a sudden and wonderfully joyful feeling when I go looking (still in my dream) for any barrette that might have survived my cats' boredom.

Then, I wake up and look in the mirror...and it's still short.

Do I like it short? Eh. I can't decide if I think it looks good or if it makes my face look too round. I know I don't like not being able to do anything with it. I just bought some 'surf wax' (for the hair) to help give it texture and bring out the curls, but it's not the same as having it really style-able.

It's also at the point where I am not seeing the growth. Last time, it was sort of an overnight thing. I went from feeling like I had nothing but peach-fuzz:



To feeling a little stylish:



To feeling like...it hasn't grown much since the top picture (which was taken over Thanksgiving). It has...it's longer, a little curlier, but it doesn't feel like it has. Granted, I felt like I woke up one day and it went from the peach fuzz to the longer hair.

Maybe it'll really be like in my dream and one day I'll wake up and it'll suddenly be long enough to pull back.

One-Year check-in.

So, there are a bunch of dates that I could have 'checked in' on...December 4th, the date of my diagnosis, December 11th, the date of the surgery...but I decided to write something on January 20th, the 1 year anniversary of when I started Chemotherapy.

I can't believe it was a year ago. It feels like it was a decade ago...or a couple months ago. But it's been an entire year today. My mom was by my side a year ago today and I had rehearsal that night for Cosi fan tutte despite having the port put in and having sat through 4 or 5 hours of chemo. My mom and I were talking to the nurses, to Beth, the Social Worker/Advocate, and the oncologist. We were planning what foods to get and what to do for dinner. We were planning the next couple of days and getting my long hair cut as short as I can get it and picking up my new, curly wig. We also planned getting new living room furniture and schlepping down to Jordan's and IKEA, depending on how I was feeling. We knitted a lot...I gave my mom a ton of yarn that I just hadn't used and didn't have projects for. She made me eat. I think I had some soup from Whole Foods that night and my mom thought that her chicken soup had chicken-hearts in it...until she cut a chunk open and saw that it was really just dark meat.

So. The yearly Mammogram was fine. The check up with the surgeon had her declaring 'You're at 110%! I don't think I've ever seen you looking this good!' The oncologist says things are fine. I'm participating in a Young Women's Breast Cancer study at Dana-Farber which means a few blood tests and lots of surveys. So far, so good!

I admit, the fear is less intense now. Some days, I don't even think about it until my boob hurts from my bra or something or I look down and see the scar. Every time I go into the hospital though, I do think about it. I don't need another mammogram for 6 months. My herceptin treatments will be over the beginning of March and the port can be removed. I'll probably have to check in ever 3 months with one doctor or another for the next 5 years.

My hair is now long enough to hold some barrettes and clips. I also found some headbands that I've been wearing to change things up a bit. My 'sideburns' can almost be brushed behind my ears and my bangs can almost be pulled back out of my face. For the longest time, I didn't feel like I was seeing any hair growth, but I am now and it's kind of a relief. I started crocheting flowers to add to barrettes but so far, the one that I made is HUGE! I think I need to use both smaller yarn and a smaller hook.

My weight is evening out, I think...with a bit of work and a bit of watching what I eat...and how much I eat. I haven't had as much time to hula-hoop lately (being sick also didn't help) but I'm enjoying that as a work-out. I feel like my clothes are finally fitting better.

Auditions haven't been going well so far. Aside from having to cancel one due to illness, I haven't landed anything I've auditioned for thus far. I'm still waiting to hear back from one place and have another audition tomorrow, so keep your fingers crossed! I have to wonder if it's the short hair...the fact that I feel chubby...or maybe my singing sucks now? I don't think it's the latter as I think my friends would tell me. Maybe I need to get new headshots? The thing is, I don't know that I'm going to keep the short hair. Part of me thinks it's cute but then I see myself in pictures and my face just looks round. Maybe I need to lose more weight? Maybe I just don't photograph well or need to stretch my neck or something?

Singing has been feeling ok of late. I feel like I have my stamina back (and then some) and I feel like the color is back. I have a consultation in New York tomorrow with another teacher and I'm curious as to what she's going to say about it.

The cats seem to be doing well! No snuggling yet, but they play a lot! Today, even, Jack played the 'tail game' with Chachi...a game that Maggie used to play with him! It was really very sweet. They've groomed each other a few times as well, but it always devolves into a wrestling match. Chachi is a hoot though -- what a funny cat! He is just full of personality!

I may be writing in here more as more 'Anniversaries' come about. I've had some time to reflect and I think it's time to put some other thoughts down. It was kind of nice -- I was at a party earlier this month and a friend said to me, "I think you handled what you went through better than anyone I've known. You basically said 'I don't have time for this!' and kept going!" Ok, so I paraphrased a little, but that was mostly it. I was also told by another friend that the party I threw in July was "So much fun!" and that I looked great in my sundress and giant earrings then. I admit, that party was one of the best times I think I ever had. It was so amazing seeing everyone who was able to show up and to know that they were there to support and celebrate me and what I had gone through. Even now, it makes me tear up a little just thinking about it. I have some amazing friends.

I'm also thinking about doing the Susan G. Komen 3-Day this year. My sisters have talked about coming up for it to walk with me and a shop owner has offered to sponsor me. It's a lot to think about and I'd need to start training soonish, I would think as 60 miles is a lot. But part of it is also giving back, I think. That, and I want to wear the awesome 'Team Aardvark' T-shirt that my sister had made for me for her race last year! Anyone else want to walk with me?

I should probably get going for now...I get to have an adventure this weekend. Keep your fingers crossed that it all goes well!!

So, kind of odd this weekend...

I went down to Providence, RI to sing at their Waterfire event. Basically, they have these bonfires in the river and for this particular night, they station sopranos (and this year, mezzos) in spots along the river, pump in karaoke tracks of some famous arias and duets, and we sing live from there. It's about 2 hours and then we go back to a central stage to each sing an aria of our choice in a final concert.

Anyways, after the first or second aria, I was sitting and waiting until it was my turn to sing next when I had someone who was in the 'audience' get my attention. She said that she was a nurse and asked if I was a 'survivor'. I was rather surprised, but I answered 'Yes, I am'. She said that she had noticed my port (my dress showed it) and had a 2 year old with a portocath right now. I asked her to send my good thoughts to the 2 year old and she said she would...and that I looked and sounded great and 'congratulations'.

Then, today at the Longwood 'Patience' sing, we were packing up and one older woman came up to me and asked, 'May I ask you a question? I guess it's kind of personal, but are you a survivor? I noticed the haircut and I had to ask'. I said that yes, I was. She told me that she had been a survivor since 1982 (and she was 82 years old). We talked a little bit and I wished her well and she wished me well.

At the Waterfire concert I caught up with another singer from an earlier program and she asked about the hair...so I told her as well. We talked a bit and she asked me 'So, are you happy it's over? How do you feel about it?' and I said, after a little bit of thought, 'You know what? I've got this fear now that I'm always going to have to live with. I'm scared that it's going to come back.'

As I think about it and as I see things like Jewel's song on the Emmy Awards (which just played), I don't want to be the one who loses that fight. Every time I feel a twinge, I wonder 'Uh-oh...do I need to be worried?'. I think about it at least once every day. I really kind of hate that I'm going to have to live with this for the rest of my life...which I hope to be a long, full, rich one. I know that we did this just to be sure; when I had my follow-up appointment a few weeks ago with the oncologist, she reiterated that there was no cancer when we started the chemotherapy so technically, I didn't have it any longer and I hadn't since the lumpectomy. She also seemed very positive that it would stay away, but I really hate that it will always be in my mind and always affecting me and causing fear. I can try to hide the fear. I can try to squelch it. But I don't know if it will ever go away.

See, this is why I didn't broadcast this!!!

So, at the Longwood G&S rehearsal on Sunday, the same pianist who made the rude remark the previous Wednesday was there again. I was there first (as I had the key to let people in) and when they saw me, the coordinator of the evening (who did not know and had not seen me since I stopped wearing the wig) said 'Oh! Your hair shrunk!' which was fine. I just smiled. Then the pianist went up to her, as smug as can be and thinking he was oh, so clever, and started regaling what he had asked me a few nights ago.

I wasn't going to let anything like that go again so I marched right up to them and said, 'Actually, I had 4 months of chemotherapy and this is my hair growing back.' It shut them up but good!

Of course, now the coordinator has gone and blabbed it about. I got a Facebook message from an acquaintance who said 'Oh, X told Y and then Y told me about this...yadda yadda yadda'. UGH!

I don't know whether it's too late to email the coordinator and say 'Look. Stop talking about me. This is my news, not your's'. I think it's already been blabbed all over.

I have no words...

I went to sing a concert last night with many people who had not seen the short hair yet. One of whom was the pianist whom I have known for a few years now. I knew that he was socially awkward but this just kind of had me flabbergasted.

He came up to me and said 'I hope that your haircut is an homage to the weather and not a change in your orientation.'


I'm sorry, what??

I think I stared at him in disbelief for a moment before I simply said, 'My orientation has not changed.'

Really? I mean, REALLY??? I should have said 'Actually, it's an homage to cancer, you jackass'.

If he says something to me about it again, I will most likely let him have it.

I cannot believe anyone would be so rude! Not only is it an awful thing to say, implying that it doesn't look nice, but my orientation is none of his business!

I must have gotten half a dozen compliments on my hair when I was in Richmond this past weekend -- from people I didn't even know! And then this schmuck comes around and tells me that I'm looking like some stereotype of a lesbian as if that's a bad thing.

What a complete and utter jerk.