Dignity and Trust

So, in the show that I'm doing that opens April 23rd, we have a lot of wigs. I, as a member of the ensemble, have 4 wigs alone (one is my Fiordiligi wig that I brought in as I know it fits me). Now, I posted earlier about how the folks were about letting me come in at 6pm, a half hour before everyone else, so I could try them on without the rest of the cast looking on. It would have worked, if the wig lady was actually there. Instead, I was third to get fitted (even though I was first to get there) although she did let me go into one of the private dressing rooms for it.

So, keeping the above in mind, we got an email about wigs (and we will be getting a lecture tonight)which said that we all needed to have a Wig Buddy -- someone who will help us with our wigs, pin them on, make sure they are straight, etc. We will also have multiple wig caps which we will need to change out depending on the wig.

It feels like all the sensitivity that was shown before was sort of stomped on and ground into the cement floor, you know?

I understand that they're assuming the worst and I understand their reasoning for this. However, I have also been wearing wigs almost non-stop since the middle of February and can feel when they're not on straight. Also, there is nothing to pin any wig on to...in fact, pinning it onto a wig cap might cause the cap to fall off!

It becomes an issue, for me, of dignity and trust. They don't know me...they don't know how I care for wigs and costumes. I get that. However, they do know that I'm very sensitive about being seen with my naked, bald head by everyone. I realize that we do have a couple fast changes and I know that it is probably going to be inevitable, but I was really hoping to deal with this on my own terms and not to have to be forced to have someone who would be staring at my head.

I don't know if I should say anything or just get a wig buddy who might be sensitive to this and ask them to please let me do my own thing and they can tell me if it's crooked. The more I think about it, the more upset I think I'm getting. They told us to bring one of our wigs for the lecture and I'm afraid that it's going to be some sort of hands-on demonstration with the entire cast present. Really, it's not something that I need. I'm also very hesitant when they say that they will just pin the wigs to the wig caps. Wig caps are notorious for being too big for my head and pinning weight on them really doesn't seem like the best way to keep them on.

What I'm really kind of upset over is that it feels like my dignity is really being forced from me. It's one thing for me to do this on my own terms and to decide how, but it feels like I'm really being forced into exposing something that really makes me very uncomfortable right now. It's not that I look hideous, but it's very startling and there are 3 teenagers in the cast who will probably stare and either whisper among themselves or...I don't know what. I'd say about half the cast knows...others might suspect. But I still want it to be on my terms...not something that I'm forced to do by a wig lady at a Community Theater.

To those of you who are in the show and may read this (you know who you are), I honestly have nothing against the show or the theater group or the woman doing the wigs.

About singing, girly stuff, and general mood...

...less about other things, although I'm much less achy today with only the occasional twinge. I really, really, REALLY dislike how easily fatigued I get, but I know that it'll improve. The thing is, I want it improved NOW.

That said, I went into Boston today to meet a friend briefly before schlepping over to the Conservatory to practice. I worked through some music, which felt good, but I really disliked that I was so tired while doing that. I could really feel my back muscles engaging though and really felt like I was doing a lot of work.

I don't like that.

Girly Stuff Here




I then decided to go to the lingerie store at Copley to ask about how they size when breasts are a little uneven. They did say that they size to the larger breast and if they're really uneven (like a couple of cup sizes) then they can do some tailoring or sew in some padding. Since my difference seems to be the difference between an E and a DD, it's pretty small. The saleslady also said that it's probably most noticeable to me and no one else would notice.

Well, the only one noticing my breasts right now IS me, so there we go.

Girly Stuff over

I then walked back to the T but thought about getting some Bubble Tea. Since Tealuxe was a block away, I thought to go there. When I got there, though, the line was almost out the door so I just left.

I had a lot of walking and thinking time and it really hit me that I'm pretty lonely right now. I know everyone says that the right guy will come along when I stop waiting and looking, but...I've stopped, I've started, I've looked online, I've looked offline...

And I'm still by myself.

It hit me pretty hard and I don't think I can do anything about it. Maybe some of it is the crap they've been putting in me. I don't know, but it's not a nice feeling. I'm trying to keep up hope, but the older I get and the longer I stay alone, the less hope I have.

On the good side though, singing through my 'hard' repertoire felt really good and Bolocco has come out with a 'mini' sized burrito which is a pretty perfect size for me. They also have a Nutella shake which they can make with soymilk...and those come in minis too!

It's better today.

Yesterday was pretty miserable, even after taking the Tylenol 3. I was not happy, but I got through it. Today is somewhat better...the pain is less constant, but it still flares randomly. But tomorrow it should be gone...for another week or so. It's not going to be fun dealing with it during the show, but I'll manage.

I'm wearing the red wig today...I think that the stylist cut the bangs a little short, but oh well.

And, before I forget, a slightly better picture of Chachi:

It was ok...until today.

Tuesday we went into Boston briefly to run a couple of errands before coming back. Wednesday was a little more easy-going and we got some work done before I had to go off to rehearsal and drop Barbara off at the train on the way.

This morning, I woke up in pain again. I decided that it felt like my kneecaps were trying to pull themselves away from my knees and legs. I'm at work now but not very happy about it and in quite a bit of discomfort. I did take 2 'regular' tylenol about 2 hours ago, so I think I'm going to try and take one of the ones with coedine in it now to see if that helps. I do have rehearsal tonight so that's going to be interesting.

I fear it's going to be the same thing tomorrow...but by Saturday I should be feeling much better. It's just going to be tough with these rehearsals, but it'll be good practice for Tech week, I guess.

Ugh.

3/4 done!

Only two more treatments left!!!

Barbara came with me today...we got there a few minutes late, but it was ok. Merri joined us not too soon after and we sat around, chatting, watching 'It Happened One Night' and such. I talked to the oncologist about how I felt last time -- with the muscle pains. She suggested that since my white blood cell counts were so high (28,000) that I not take the Nulasta shot this time and that might help with the pain. She also suggested that if it got to be bad, then I could take more of the Tylenol 3, just not when I have to drive in case more of the pills make me a little loopy. We'll see, I suppose. The stylist who was running the 'Look Good, Feel Better' session that day came in and helped me figure out new ways to style my curly wig and she also trimmed the bangs for my red wig so I can wear it and actually see! We talked some about eyelashes and eyebrows as well, but I don't know if I agree with her suggestions.

After we were done (at about 2:30) we walked around Porter Square some before Merri left and Barbara and I went to Davis and got some dinner and cupcakes. Then, back home, we watched 'Iron Man' and knitted. The cats are still not quite getting along yet...Jack is happy to be curious about Chachi as long as Chachi doesn't make eye contact.

So far, I'm feeling ok. I'm hoping that it lasts. I do need to get to sleep soonish though.

Tomorrow we're going to try to go into Boston briefly and I may try to get some work done as I brought some mailings home to put together.

Continued progress...

Jack is back to eating his food, especially since I put him back on Wellness. I'll just keep him on the Science Diet dry which he seems to like well enough (so much so that the other night he went to Chachi's food bowl and ate some of his!). Last night he was out quite a bit, following and growling at Chachi...I'm really hoping that I can have them out all day together on Saturday. I don't know about at night yet, but we'll see what happens. I don't quite know what Chachi will do once he sees where I sleep...and I don't know what Jack will do once Chachi hops up on the bed.

I did practice some again last night...the voice is still weird, but I can't tell if it's still residual from the cold (which was so long ago!) or allergies, or something else entirely. I took some Theraflu last night and I think that helped. Part of the thing also could have been that I'm working on new music (Wagner) and it's not in my voice yet and sitting in the passagio. I did sing through the end section of 'Sempre Libera' and that actually felt pretty good, so I guess things aren't so bad. The resonance also may be off because of the congestion.

So, once again, I am surprised at the kindness of people. We're having wig fittings for the show next week and I emailed the wig lady and asked if I could come earlier or something because I felt uncomfortable showing my bald head to the cast and she said 'Sure! I'll come at 6pm just for you!'. It's such a little thing, but it just really touched me that she was willing to do that. I've seen my bald head...I don't like it. I try not to look at it, but I have seen it. I don't like it...I don't like that I have almost no eyelashes...and I don't like that my eyebrows are so thin. I know it will all grow back and I am just counting the days until May 3rd when it can start doing just that! I know it may take a few months and I may be wearing the wig into the summer, but there won't be anything stopping it then.

Also, my appetite seems to be coming back a little. I still don't eat very much, but I actually am feeling hunger now. Not often, but it's there. Not that I minded losing the weight, but I do mind that my clothes are all saggy.

I also need to remember to wash my wig more often. I think I need to do it more than the 'every 14 wearings' or so that was mentioned. It's long hair...it can get kind of scraggly.

I guess that's it for now...I have rehearsal tonight and since there are road closings in that area, I'm going to leave right from work. Granted, the traffic will probably suck, but oh well.

Progress...

...in a couple of areas.

Last night, I had my first coaching since 'Cosi' closed. I was a little concerned about getting through it energy and stamina-wise since when I sang on Friday, I could barely make it through a phrase without having to catch my breath. I think, however, I am going to pin that on the muscle pain since that really did sap my energy (should be fun for show weekends!). First, my coach asked me with a bit of surprise, 'Is that a wig?' to which I responded, 'Yes,' and he said, 'It's a really good one!'. So...yay! It needs to be washed though...I think that will be done tonight if I don't get distracted.

Anyhow, the best part about this was that I brought in 'Or sai chi l'onore' from Don Giovanni, an aria that is one that I need to learn (as I am learning the role) and one that I had been worried about as it was feeling kind of screamy to me. Screamy is bad. It doesn't help that the tessitura of this piece is all in the passagio and above with a lot of High A's. But I sang though it once and my coach looked at me and said, 'You sound really good!' HOORAY! He didn't say that the aria sounded screamy...if anything, he said it was a touch held back, but that was understandable. So we worked on it some and I made it through the hour coaching (of 2 rather tough arias) which felt fantastic!!! I set up another coaching for the end of April.

I guess it's just really comforting and a huge relief that all of this isn't affecting my singing detrimentally *knock wood*. The cough wasn't helping (it's getting much better now) of course, but I know I'll get my stamina back. Hell, I made it through Cosi fan tutte after having done 2 rounds of chemo! I can do this!

The other bit of progress is with the cats! When I got home last night, I gave Jack some attention (and a new catnip toy) and then let Chachi out of the room. Jack hid for the bulk of the night so Chachi had the run of the place...let me tell you, that cat is a nut! I think he and Jack will definitely get along once they get used to each other because, aside from not freaking out around another cat, they seem to be very similar in personalities. Chachi is very inquisitive and loves to play...he even started batting around the toy mice! He then snuggled with me for a bit and later in the evening Jack came out. The first time, he made it all the way to the sofa where Chachi and I were sitting before he hissed and ran away. He did this a second time (minus the hissing) so I'm hoping that he'll soon start coming out and getting to know Chachi without the growls and hisses. When I went to bed, Chachi went back into his room while I read and let Jack know that it was ok for him to come out. He slept on the bed with me all night and we snuggled in the morning before I had to get up.

Also, Jack is refusing to eat any of the wet food besides the Wellness. I may have to call the vet about that...he'll still eat the prescription dry food, but he isn't having any of the prescription or Science Diet wet food. Such a picky cat!