...and I don't know if anyone is still reading. Sometimes, though, I want to say things that I don't want to share with the 500+ 'friends' on Facebook or the few who really never comment on LiveJournal. It's still related to this journey so I think it's only fitting to post it here.
I never found a therapist. I tried calling about 4 different ones and none were really willing to help me. While one blatantly told me 'It's normal and it'll go away', it still wasn't helping me. When things are chemically wonky in the brain and I'm going through a form of PTSD, telling me 'It's all ok' really doesn't do much. The good thing is, eventually, a lot of it -did- go away. I'm far less anxious and feel much more even now.
I only need mammograms every year now. I will still be checking in with various doctors every 3 months and getting blood tests for markers every 6 months, but it's a good thing.
The weird thing, though, is that every twinge or ache or bout of heartburn or stomach upset or headache or, really, anything has me jumping to 'What if it's back?' I know that's 'normal' too, but I don't like it. I have trouble getting to sleep at night and then trouble waking up in the morning. It's getting better if I go to bed before midnight and read a little, but it's still not easy. Then I get anxious over the cats...I guess this is why I'm writing all of this here. It's in place of the therapy I'm not able to find.
I have doctor appointments in March and I will be telling them that I worry about every twinge and ache and that I have a hard time both getting to sleep and waking up. We'll see what they say about that.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Friday, May 6, 2011
Decided to celebrate quietly...
Yesterday was my 1 year 'End-iversary' in which I had my final chemotherapy treatment. I thought about doing something and saying something, but I decided that if I acknowledged everything, I'd be...well, there would be a lot of that in a 6 month stretch. So I let it pass quietly as I pondered things walking back from the T on my way home from work (I'm trying to drive in less often. It means my commute is over twice as long, but it's greener and it's making me get out and about a little more). I will try to buy a cupcake or two this evening on my way home as it's 'Boston Bakes for Breast Cancer' week and Kickass Cupcakes may (or may not) have their chosen flavor for this in gluten free. I suppose I should probably call. Still, $3 is fine to celebrate this in a small way.
After this, there are no BC milestones until December...aside from my 'every 6 month' checkup and mammogram. It is getting easier to not think about it all though...but it means that other thoughts are coming to the forefront and those are the thoughts that might even be more debilitating (as mentioned in previous posts).
But yay...happy End-iversary to me!
After this, there are no BC milestones until December...aside from my 'every 6 month' checkup and mammogram. It is getting easier to not think about it all though...but it means that other thoughts are coming to the forefront and those are the thoughts that might even be more debilitating (as mentioned in previous posts).
But yay...happy End-iversary to me!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Rough weekend...
So, I had a bit of a rough weekend...there were some very nice parts of it, but also some really difficult parts.
On Saturday I took the cats to the vet for their annual checkup and so that the vet could meet Chachi. Chachi was very obedient and good and calm until they got to clipping his claws and then they brought in a vet tech to help hold him. He has ear gook so now I have to give him ear drops and clean out his ears twice a day, ick. Jack, on the other hand, was growling and hissing the entire time and the vet and vet tech had to don welding gloves and get a towel in order to get his vaccines and clip his claws -- the vet didn't really even get a chance to weigh him or look at his teeth :(. We weighed him in the carrier and he was about 15 lbs in that...and I looked up and saw that the carrier weighed 3 lbs so he lost a little weight. He was chubby so he needed to lose a little. I felt so bad, but was assured that he wasn't the worst they had seen nor was he the worst that they would see that day. It is yet another reason why I am taking them to a cat-only vet!
Saturday afternoon, Ed and I went to the Gore Place Sheepshearing festival where I helped out with a Local Yarn Store's booth and walked around. I ended up buying some fudge and some more yarn...shame on me, I know, but it's for a specific project, I swear!! I even have the buttons for it!
Sunday was really the tough day. I woke up and read an email from a local voice teacher I had contacted about a consultation. She emailed that she was very sorry, but her private studio was so full that she couldn't even squeeze in a consultation. Couple that with the fact that my current teacher has decided not to continue teaching in Boston, I was feeling kind of screwed. Later that day, I was going into Boston to a concert and figured I'd get there early, park, and go into the Conservatory to practice. I should have checked in advance to see if there was a Red Sox game...and there was. That meant no parking. Of course, in my already screwed up thoughts, it was just the straw breaking the camel's back -- I couldn't find a voice teacher and I couldn't even practice. Was this the universe telling me to give up singing? If I didn't have that, what good would I be? I think it was the most depressed and hopeless I've felt in a very, very long time if ever. I could almost understand how people could have suicidal thoughts. Again, I know it's part of the PTSD going on, but I can't even find a therapist who is able to meet with me!
I mean, really...what is Fate trying to do here? Am I not messed up enough?
I made it to the concert and put on a brave face and enjoyed myself. Going back home was hard but I had TV shows to distract me until it was time to go to bed. I did get to practice yesterday and I did feel better after that, but it's still not easy. I know that there's a way to get these Thought Vampires out of my head or at least mute them, but I can't do it myself and I can't find someone to talk to about it. I feel very stymied by things out of my control and I don't know how I can take control back.
On Saturday I took the cats to the vet for their annual checkup and so that the vet could meet Chachi. Chachi was very obedient and good and calm until they got to clipping his claws and then they brought in a vet tech to help hold him. He has ear gook so now I have to give him ear drops and clean out his ears twice a day, ick. Jack, on the other hand, was growling and hissing the entire time and the vet and vet tech had to don welding gloves and get a towel in order to get his vaccines and clip his claws -- the vet didn't really even get a chance to weigh him or look at his teeth :(. We weighed him in the carrier and he was about 15 lbs in that...and I looked up and saw that the carrier weighed 3 lbs so he lost a little weight. He was chubby so he needed to lose a little. I felt so bad, but was assured that he wasn't the worst they had seen nor was he the worst that they would see that day. It is yet another reason why I am taking them to a cat-only vet!
Saturday afternoon, Ed and I went to the Gore Place Sheepshearing festival where I helped out with a Local Yarn Store's booth and walked around. I ended up buying some fudge and some more yarn...shame on me, I know, but it's for a specific project, I swear!! I even have the buttons for it!
Sunday was really the tough day. I woke up and read an email from a local voice teacher I had contacted about a consultation. She emailed that she was very sorry, but her private studio was so full that she couldn't even squeeze in a consultation. Couple that with the fact that my current teacher has decided not to continue teaching in Boston, I was feeling kind of screwed. Later that day, I was going into Boston to a concert and figured I'd get there early, park, and go into the Conservatory to practice. I should have checked in advance to see if there was a Red Sox game...and there was. That meant no parking. Of course, in my already screwed up thoughts, it was just the straw breaking the camel's back -- I couldn't find a voice teacher and I couldn't even practice. Was this the universe telling me to give up singing? If I didn't have that, what good would I be? I think it was the most depressed and hopeless I've felt in a very, very long time if ever. I could almost understand how people could have suicidal thoughts. Again, I know it's part of the PTSD going on, but I can't even find a therapist who is able to meet with me!
I mean, really...what is Fate trying to do here? Am I not messed up enough?
I made it to the concert and put on a brave face and enjoyed myself. Going back home was hard but I had TV shows to distract me until it was time to go to bed. I did get to practice yesterday and I did feel better after that, but it's still not easy. I know that there's a way to get these Thought Vampires out of my head or at least mute them, but I can't do it myself and I can't find someone to talk to about it. I feel very stymied by things out of my control and I don't know how I can take control back.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Research Studies...
...can be interesting things. When I went for my second opinion at Dana Farber, I was asked if I wanted to participate in a Research Study that would be focusing on Young Women with Breast Cancer. I agreed and have done some rather long surveys and sent in some blood samples as they've requested.
Earlier this month, I went to a Forum for young women under 45 who went through this to discuss some issues. I found out that it was because some Researchers were trying to put together some information for those who are younger and have to go through all of this. There's a lot of support and information if you're a woman in your 60's and such, but not so much (if any) if you're under 40. We have different issues. Many of us have not yet started families.
I met some great people that night (and I'm still in touch with one of them) and there were a couple of issues...one woman was VERY angry at EVERYTHING but...yeah.
Anyways, I got an email from the group telling me that there's going to be a Conference in Quincy at the beginning of June to discuss some of these issues and have panels and all. Do I want to go? HELL YES! I just have to wait and see if I need to go out of town that weekend or not. The thing is, I might not know until right at the registration deadline! Erk! But for $25, it seems like a great way to spend the day as apparently a lot of the panels and discussion groups will be covering some of the issues I really want to discuss somewhere.
I just hope that I find out whether or not I'm going out of town that weekend before May 20th!
Earlier this month, I went to a Forum for young women under 45 who went through this to discuss some issues. I found out that it was because some Researchers were trying to put together some information for those who are younger and have to go through all of this. There's a lot of support and information if you're a woman in your 60's and such, but not so much (if any) if you're under 40. We have different issues. Many of us have not yet started families.
I met some great people that night (and I'm still in touch with one of them) and there were a couple of issues...one woman was VERY angry at EVERYTHING but...yeah.
Anyways, I got an email from the group telling me that there's going to be a Conference in Quincy at the beginning of June to discuss some of these issues and have panels and all. Do I want to go? HELL YES! I just have to wait and see if I need to go out of town that weekend or not. The thing is, I might not know until right at the registration deadline! Erk! But for $25, it seems like a great way to spend the day as apparently a lot of the panels and discussion groups will be covering some of the issues I really want to discuss somewhere.
I just hope that I find out whether or not I'm going out of town that weekend before May 20th!
Monday, April 18, 2011
The search continues...
...for a Therapist. I called someone else, but she doesn't have time either. She then called a few more of her colleagues for me and no one has any appointments after 5pm.
Yeah, no, I cannot take 2 hours out of my workday to go to this. I mean, I probably could, but I find it hard to believe that there isn't a place that understands that yes, some people do work 9-5. I know that they don't want to work late either, but gaah! It's really very frustrating!
On another note, I actually felt pretty when I went to an audition yesterday. The hair was working, the make-up was working...something just fell into place. It was really bittersweet because I used to feel that way far more often. Today it wasn't quite as 'pretty', but it was ok. I was stood up for a date and went into the local Comic book shop and I do admit, they guys there (whom I've known for a little bit now) were very complimentary. Apparently, if I showed up there on a Wednesday night (their gaming night? Graphic Novel night?) and announced 'I'm looking for a date' they'd be lined up out the door...according to one of them. It's something that I needed to hear. Maybe I'm just that vain, I don't know.
I made an appointment to get my hair cut on Thursday. I'm going to see how I feel about my hair tomorrow -- I was frustrated with it last week, but I've had two people compliment my hair and tell me how much it looked like Audrey Hepburn's hair in 'Roman Holiday' which is a big plus in my book! So, I guess worse comes to worse, I can cancel the appointment, but I haven't had it styled since Thanksgiving. It might be due.
Yeah, no, I cannot take 2 hours out of my workday to go to this. I mean, I probably could, but I find it hard to believe that there isn't a place that understands that yes, some people do work 9-5. I know that they don't want to work late either, but gaah! It's really very frustrating!
On another note, I actually felt pretty when I went to an audition yesterday. The hair was working, the make-up was working...something just fell into place. It was really bittersweet because I used to feel that way far more often. Today it wasn't quite as 'pretty', but it was ok. I was stood up for a date and went into the local Comic book shop and I do admit, they guys there (whom I've known for a little bit now) were very complimentary. Apparently, if I showed up there on a Wednesday night (their gaming night? Graphic Novel night?) and announced 'I'm looking for a date' they'd be lined up out the door...according to one of them. It's something that I needed to hear. Maybe I'm just that vain, I don't know.
I made an appointment to get my hair cut on Thursday. I'm going to see how I feel about my hair tomorrow -- I was frustrated with it last week, but I've had two people compliment my hair and tell me how much it looked like Audrey Hepburn's hair in 'Roman Holiday' which is a big plus in my book! So, I guess worse comes to worse, I can cancel the appointment, but I haven't had it styled since Thanksgiving. It might be due.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Another long-hair dream last night.
My hair was long and straight, but I didn't care because it was SUDDENLY LONG!
Again, I woke up disappointed because my hair was still short.
I've also been staring at this Therapist phone number for a couple of weeks now. So, I called the therapist that was recommended to me and after 2 days of telephone tag, we got a hold of one another and she said 'Oh, I don't have evening hours for you and I don't take your insurance. By the way, what you're feeling is normal'.
Uhm.
Gee.
Yes, I know it's normal after what I've gone through. IT DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY EASIER TO DEAL WITH!!! Intellectually, I know it's normal. Intellectually, I know that it's something that needs to be fixed. Intellectually, I know how silly it is to be feeling all of this because it's just not true. Emotionally, I'm a wreck. Isn't it the therapist's job to help with the whole Emotional part?
So I've tried calling one person she recommended and the phone goes dead every time I call. That does not bode well. Naturally, I'm hesitating calling a third. What if she's a jerk too? I don't want to give my money to a jerk! I don't want to be spilling my guts with my silly insecurities and frustrations to a jerk!
I don't know if I should just start calling down the Insurance company's list of mental health providers or what. But then it's the whole 'This person is a total stranger' thing, but I guess it has to start somewhere, right?
Some days I think it's ok but then I completely sabotage myself. So, I don't know. I really don't.
Again, I woke up disappointed because my hair was still short.
I've also been staring at this Therapist phone number for a couple of weeks now. So, I called the therapist that was recommended to me and after 2 days of telephone tag, we got a hold of one another and she said 'Oh, I don't have evening hours for you and I don't take your insurance. By the way, what you're feeling is normal'.
Uhm.
Gee.
Yes, I know it's normal after what I've gone through. IT DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY EASIER TO DEAL WITH!!! Intellectually, I know it's normal. Intellectually, I know that it's something that needs to be fixed. Intellectually, I know how silly it is to be feeling all of this because it's just not true. Emotionally, I'm a wreck. Isn't it the therapist's job to help with the whole Emotional part?
So I've tried calling one person she recommended and the phone goes dead every time I call. That does not bode well. Naturally, I'm hesitating calling a third. What if she's a jerk too? I don't want to give my money to a jerk! I don't want to be spilling my guts with my silly insecurities and frustrations to a jerk!
I don't know if I should just start calling down the Insurance company's list of mental health providers or what. But then it's the whole 'This person is a total stranger' thing, but I guess it has to start somewhere, right?
Some days I think it's ok but then I completely sabotage myself. So, I don't know. I really don't.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
It is OFFICIALLY DONE!!!
The last Herceptin treatment was on Monday, March 7th (the day after my birthday). To celebrate, my dad took me and my sisters to Orlando for the week before(my sisters came down on Thursday-Sunday) to celebrate. That's a whole other post, but I had a really fun time and am TOTALLY in love with Hogsmeade at Universal Studios. I also got some amazing pictures of Disney characters in Topiary form and butterflies from Epcot's Garden Festival. I got to spend a day with one of my best friends from HS who lives down there and his lovely wife who is just adorable and sweet! I got to run around the parks with my dad who is an amazing sport for going on roller coasters with me, and my sisters...who whined most of the time, but it was good to see them.
So, back to the whole 'IT'S DONE!' thing!
Monday, 3/7 was the last Herceptin treatment. I got to talk to the oncologist for a little bit and she told me to make an official appointment for a '3 month checkup' in April. Of course, I left my water bottle there...meh. But that was done! I then got to schedule the port removal! That was scheduled, after going back and forth due to other appointments, on Monday, 3/11.
I went for my yearly checkup to my PCP on Wednesday and we chatted about it and she was very glad I was done as well! I can't imagine that it's easy for any physician to give such news and she even gave me her home number the weekend I was diagnosed if I wanted to talk and she would send me emails every now and then to check in. I appreciated it. She looked up my bloodwork -- aside from being anemic (no surprise there) everything looked good *knock wood*! Yay! On an unrelated note, I agreed to pay for/have a blood test done that would test non-anaphylactic allergies to 96 foods. It might be nice to see what could have been giving me my tummy issues for the last 25 years. I should get those results next week or so.
On Saturday I went for my second-to-last Echo (I hope)...one more in 3 months to make sure that the Herceptin didn't mess up my heart. Then, on 3/11 I went in to get the port removed!!! They had a really hard time getting an IV in (which is why I had the port in the first place) and ended up having to use my hand and some Lidocaine (I always think of Iocane) and topical numbing agents to get the stupid needle in. The surgeon asked if I wanted to keep the port and I told him he could burn the thing. Now I'm sore but port free!!! It's done!!! Afterwards, I made my appointment in April, said goodbye to my Oncology nurse and promised to come visit and even ran into the Social Worker on the way out! I did ask her for the name of a therapist and she gave me one...I need to give her a call. But it's done!!!
This morning, while my hair was still wet, I realized that the sides were now long enough to pull back with a bobby-pin...or in my case, a decorative bobby pin. Before, I could just stick the pin/clips in and they'd mostly stay, but the hair is actually pulled back!! That was actually really pleasant to discover.
So, it's DONE!!! I sincerely hope I never have to go through this again! Ever!
So, back to the whole 'IT'S DONE!' thing!
Monday, 3/7 was the last Herceptin treatment. I got to talk to the oncologist for a little bit and she told me to make an official appointment for a '3 month checkup' in April. Of course, I left my water bottle there...meh. But that was done! I then got to schedule the port removal! That was scheduled, after going back and forth due to other appointments, on Monday, 3/11.
I went for my yearly checkup to my PCP on Wednesday and we chatted about it and she was very glad I was done as well! I can't imagine that it's easy for any physician to give such news and she even gave me her home number the weekend I was diagnosed if I wanted to talk and she would send me emails every now and then to check in. I appreciated it. She looked up my bloodwork -- aside from being anemic (no surprise there) everything looked good *knock wood*! Yay! On an unrelated note, I agreed to pay for/have a blood test done that would test non-anaphylactic allergies to 96 foods. It might be nice to see what could have been giving me my tummy issues for the last 25 years. I should get those results next week or so.
On Saturday I went for my second-to-last Echo (I hope)...one more in 3 months to make sure that the Herceptin didn't mess up my heart. Then, on 3/11 I went in to get the port removed!!! They had a really hard time getting an IV in (which is why I had the port in the first place) and ended up having to use my hand and some Lidocaine (I always think of Iocane) and topical numbing agents to get the stupid needle in. The surgeon asked if I wanted to keep the port and I told him he could burn the thing. Now I'm sore but port free!!! It's done!!! Afterwards, I made my appointment in April, said goodbye to my Oncology nurse and promised to come visit and even ran into the Social Worker on the way out! I did ask her for the name of a therapist and she gave me one...I need to give her a call. But it's done!!!
This morning, while my hair was still wet, I realized that the sides were now long enough to pull back with a bobby-pin...or in my case, a decorative bobby pin. Before, I could just stick the pin/clips in and they'd mostly stay, but the hair is actually pulled back!! That was actually really pleasant to discover.
So, it's DONE!!! I sincerely hope I never have to go through this again! Ever!
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