Regaining Control

I don't know if anyone is still reading this...I guess most of the journey has sort of levelled out now that I'm 3 1/2 years out. The 3 year anniversary of the end of Chemo passed me by without a thought as did the 2 year anniversary of the end of Herceptin. I still have a moment of panic whenever I feel any sort of twinge or bit of pain in either breast, but I figure that with the many appointments I still have, if something was funky, someone would notice. The mammogram would catch it...or the blood work...or the doctor. In Therapy, we've barely touched on my self-image issues. We've mostly been focusing on my job and organization issues which are discussed in a not-yet-shared blog. We briefly chatted about the self-image and dating issues a couple of sessions ago, but a lot of the issue revolves around my hair. I think that the stress that I currently have isn't helping matters any but my hair isn't what it was before the chemo. I think I'm one of the 'unlucky' ones whose hair came back thinner than before. I tried to keep it long, but it's not making me happy. So, after the session where we talked about it, I heard, on Facebook, about a stylist in Jamaica Plain who was apparently great with curly hair...so I made an appointment. It isn't until the end of the month, but at this point, I'm so fed up with feeling this way that I just want to do SOMETHING. Maybe I'm hoping that the haircut will be all it takes to make me feel better about myself. Maybe I'm putting too much power of my self-image in my hair. That could also be a problem because what if I don't feel better about things? The plan is to go in, prepared with pictures of shorter cuts, and say 'Do what you need to do to make it look nice. If you cut it short, please leave enough for curl.' What happens will happen. But, in 2 1/2 years, my hair hasn't grown much past my shoulders and that makes me sad. But the reason for the title is this: I went in for my checkup in March and was talking to one of the Oncology nurses there and it came up that I wasn't happy with my hair and that I was considering cutting it short again. The nurse looked at me and said, and I'm paraphrasing, 'When you lost your hair before, it wasn't something you can control. But when you cut your hair now, it's all in your control.' I feel like so little is within my control right now, that it's one thing I can grasp on to. I'm actually kind of looking forward to it. My hair will be short-er, definitely. Whether it will be short is uncertain, but I am going to go in there, tell the stylist what is going on, and leave it in her hopefully trustworthy hands. I've even contacted a headshot photographer in case I need to get new headshots. The trek is annoying, but it's not going into NYC and I get two digital files with the very affordable cost...and his work was nice. We'll see. Maybe that's all it will take for me to start feeling better about myself...although I think having a new job that actually wants me there and utilizes my skills other than my ability to open mail and my awareness of the alphabet would also help a great deal. But I'm trying to regain control.

Interesting revelations...

At least, in regards to my singing. So, I have to present a couple of pieces this weekend for some composers. We were told to choose pieces we felt showed us off best. I couldn't decide between four pieces so I sent a potential 'Two of these four' and will decide probably the day of or something. I also brought these pieces into my voice lesson yesterday. I sang through the first piece and then the second...and then my teacher said 'What are you trying to tell them about yourself through these pieces? What makes you, as a singer, special?' I paused. I had no immediate answer. I finally said 'I know what I -don't- want to show' and so we started there. I didn't want to show a sustained, high tessitura -- when composers know you have high notes, they tend to write music in the stratosphere and I don't like singing there. I didn't want to show that I only had high notes. Interestingly enough, my teacher said 'That's just what this one, particular piece is showing. I finally figured out what I -did- want to show...and it had nothing to do with my vocalism. I wanted to show: I am a strong actress I am willing to take risks. I am musical and intelligent I am imaginative and quirky None of this has to actually do with my voice. It's about what I have to say. This was...amazingly revelatory for me. I guess I never thought about 'having something to say' as being things like this. Why does it always take me so long to figure these things out? Why couldn't I have done it 10 years ago when I would have had a chance of being more...desired for performances? Better late than never, I suppose. But now, I have Something To Say!