Synthetic hair wigs is to Human Hair wigs as Red Heart is to Cashmere

That, boys and girls, was my lesson for yesterday.

Cancer Boutique #1 -- I liked the 'Cancer Sucks' mug that they had. They tried REALLY hard to find something that we liked, but they only had synthetic wigs and pretty much all of them made me look at least 10 years older than I am. They also just looked...fake. I have a couple of pictures of some short 'trendy' wigs that they had that were kind of decent (although not in the colors that they had) so we wrote down the name and styles of the wigs. They were pretty inexpensive, relatively, but I felt that I could get the same sort of quality at Dorothy's (local costume/drag/wig shop for those of you who don't know). All the wigs had too much volume on top -- I have a small, narrow head. Too much volume just makes me look really, really weird.

Cancer Boutique #2 -- First of all...they made us wait even though we were there on time for our appointment. Grr. Secondly, a woman younger than me tried to help us out, but these wigs were...well, even worse than the others. She showed us a catalogue, I wrote down some names and styles, but...really dejected after this. They all just looked costumey and so very fake. I did like that I went into the Resource Center and got a lot of great information for me and my family.

Salon -- Ok, so they made us wait but honestly, it was worth it. The woman knew what she was talking about...she was super nice, and spent an hour and a half with us! The wigs were gorgeous and she knew right away not to put too much volume on top. I tried on a long wig which was ok...surprisingly, the shorter (slightly past shoulders and just about at shoulder-length) were the best. They were straight and I'd have to curl them/style them, but they were human hair, so it could be done! She even matched my hair perfectly with two swatches. Now, these wigs were more than 5 times the price of the synthetic ones, but the difference in how they looked was pretty phenomenal. I tried on mostly longer wigs, but also a shorter one that was kind of cute.

I'll post pictures when I get them all hooked up. Ignore the colors.

I might be able to get a human hair wig for a little less than the original cost quoted by the woman at the salon and it might have a little more of a natural wave to it than the others. However, I will also probably need to go to Richmond for the styling...it's do-able, just rough as it would be a whirlwind visit due to my rehearsal schedule.

I am also thinking of getting my hair chopped off very soon. Not this weekend, but possibly the next so that I live with the short hair for a little bit before deciding if I want to stick with a long wig (which I am still leaning towards) or if I want to do the short hair wig. The lady at the salon measured the length of my hair and, mostly straight as it was yesterday, from crown to tip, was about 17"...certainly enough to donate! I've drastically cut my hair before so while it will be a shock, I know it won't be terribly traumatic. I just don't want long clumps of hair falling out.

So, I have decisions to make regarding the wigs...and still lots of knitting to do. I'm still in the middle of working on my mom's mittens and my dad's scarf, but I might get a good deal done this weekend since I really have nothing planned after tonight. I suppose I could maybe cut my hair this weekend, but 1) It's a holiday weekend and I don't know if the salons will be open, and 2) I may need some moral support with me when I do this. Last time I chopped off my hair was about 13 years ago so it's been a while. I remember growing it out was a pain, but I'm going to have to do that anyhow. I was just thinking that I should mention it to the director of the opera before showing up with a pixie cut. I do still love Audrey Hepburn's short hair..













** Remember folks, my hair will be short for many months. It'll probably be cut sometime this month and then there won't be any for about 4-7 months...and then I get to wait for it to grow back out. There will be a good stretch of short hair. I'm leaning towards a longer wig because of the latter.

No, I am not fine.

Physically, sure...aside from the lack of sleep. However, I miss being in a good mood. I think the only time I was in a pretty good mood was when I thought that I was all done (post-surgery) and didn't need to do anything else.

Boy, was I wrong.

Newest stuff:

After testing a larger sample of the tumor, they found out that it was indeed Her2+. From what I can gather, it is both good and bad. It's good because one of the treatments is something called Herceptin, and in using that, it can greatly reduce any chance of this coming back. However, it also means that the rest of the chemotherapy is more involved. Just when I was getting used to dealing with only 2 months of this, I get all of this news.

New treatment plan:

4 treatments (every 2 weeks) of Adriamycin and Cytoxin (sounds yummy, right?). Usual side-effects possible...will lose the hair on my head. Suck.

THEN

4 treatments (every 2 weeks) of Taxol and Herceptin (yep...2 more months of this!). Taxol is particularly nasty since I get to lose ALL hair. This includes eyebrows and eyelashes. So much fun (can you see the sarcasm?).

THEN

The Herceptin continues every 3 weeks (luckily, no real side effects to this one) for AN ENTIRE YEAR.

I don't even know where the radiation falls in this!

So instead of thinking I can just bulldoze through this in 2 months, I'm now looking at over a year of this crap.

Can we say, ANGRY?!?!?!?

Not only that -- no green tea during active chemotherapy treatments because green tea has anti-oxidants and we're trying to oxidate the blood. No changing the cat litter (and the oncologist seemed really concerned when I mentioned Maggie and thought that the cat shouldn't be in the house with me while I'm going through that. Yeah...there's one surefire way to kill the poor cat -- rip her away from her family while she's very ill. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!).

The kicker is really that they won't know if it's all even working since there is nothing to monitor. They won't know if it's worked because there is nothing to monitor. They can't guarantee that it won't come back. They also won't know how the side effects will affect me.

So...why am I doing this again? Why am I going to poison my body for 4 months?

I have a second opinion appointment at Dana Farber on Monday...we'll see if people coordinate and send everything as I've asked them to do. We have some hard copies of things to bring in, but they want this huge list of stuff.

My mom seems to think I'll do fine with the side effects as I was 'just fine' after the surgery. It's true...both my mom and dad had to tell me a few times to just sit and rest.

Also, apparently, I have adverse reactions to Benadryl and products that contain Benadryl. When I was little and they gave it to me, I hallucinated. When they tried when I was a little older, I became bouncing-off-the-wall hyper. This now explains why Nyquil and Tylenol PM do absolutely nothing for me and do, in fact, keep me up-- they contain Benadryl!

So, once again, I am in a thoroughly pissy mood. They want to start right in the middle of rehearsing the opera. That would put the end around the middle/end of April...right around the opening of 'Scarlet Pimpernel'. They didn't really want to wait the extra 3 weeks. We'll see what the Dana Farber folks have to say, but if I have to, I will down caffeinated tea and make it work. I've performed exhausted and ill before, I can do it again as long as I'm careful.

Off to look at wigs. I was sort of hoping that this could be fun, but the more real this all gets, the less fun this is going to be. I like wigs. I like dressing up. But I guess this isn't really doing that.

My mom thinks I should find a therapist to talk to about all of this. I don't really see the need...what are they going to do? Tell me the same thing everyone else is? Tell me what I already know? I can't help that I'm upset and I don't know that I will ever 'be at peace' with this. I'm angry. I intend on staying angry. I'm not angry at people...I'm not even angry at myself. I'm angry with the situation and I'm angry that I have to go through this at all...and I'm angry that it's happening now. Sure, there is no good time for this, but why does it have to happen when I'm finally feeling good about my voice and fairly content with my life?

So much for trying to respond to someone on a dating site...he looked interesting, he looked attractive, we seemed to have a lot in common, so I wrote him. What does he write back? 'This really isn't a match I'm looking for. Have a nice life!'. Way to boost my self-esteem. As if it's not already in the basement.

Big Appointment today...

...we're meeting with the Medical Oncologist for the 'Long' meeting...or so I presume. It's still too early to begin anything anyhow. 'We' includes both my mom and I...she flew in for this last night.

Maggie is still smelly...the vet gave me some more antiseptic to wash her off with every day, joy.

I think the antibiotic is helping. I am much less uncomfortable and, *drumroll* I slept on my right side last night! Huzzah!!! It wasn't completely on my side, but it was enough to help! For some reason, I have a harder time falling asleep when I'm not on my right side. I think it still took me a little while, but I also think I was more comfortable.

There will be more to report once the meeting has happened, I'm sure. I have 4 pages of questions to ask.

Also, stay tuned for possible Wig Consultation pictures tomorrow or Thursday!

For those of you who don't get the Alien Nation reference:

Fears: I has them.

As things have been calming down some, I've been doing some reading and finding that I have lots and lots of questions. I also have lots and lots of fears. Part of me wonders if I should get some of the books out there written about 'What to do when you have Breast Cancer' or if I should save up all my questions to ask the doctors. Do I want to scare myself silly by reading some of these books? Or will they give me information that will help calm some of these fears?

FEAR: Losing my hair will make me ugly.

Vanity, vanity, vanity. But I've been having a hard enough time getting dates or having any sort of a relationship as it is...what's going to happen when I look like one of the people from Alien Nation? I'm not a supermodel, I know, but I think that I'm fairly decent-looking...but will I be with no hair? I have my serious doubts.

FEAR: The chemotherapy drugs will make me gain weight.

Again with the vanity. I rather pride myself on my figure...some days I feel better about it than others, but I like that I'm a size 4 and I like that I'm fairly slender. What's going to happen if I gain weight? How will I fit into my clothes? How is it going to help my self-esteem if I start feeling fat?

FEAR: The chemotherapy drugs are going to hurt my voice.

Here's a biggie. I'm triple-checking with the doctors on this one and the medical oncologist is also triple-checking for me. However, one of the side effects are mouth sores and dryness since apparently mucous membrane cells are some of the more rapidly dividing cells in the body...which is just what the chemo drugs target. Will I be able to sing still? Will I just be downing more water and tea? I can't take homeopathic remedies with chemotherapy, so what can I do to either prevent or remedy this???

FEAR: I will be too exhausted to live my life.

I know that this varies from person to person and most that I've talked to said 'Eh. I was a little more fatigued than usual, but I still did my stuff'. It's still a fear though. I do remember when Samantha on 'Sex in the City' went through her treatments and while we didn't see much of it, she was still out and about and being fabulous. Then I counter that with all the other stuff they show in the media and it sucks. I'd much rather be like Samantha than all those other schmucks who are languishing at home in their head scarves with black circles under their eyes because they're so exhausted. But yes, it's media...it's not real life. Still, it's there.

FEAR: I can't eat the foods I want or drink the teas I want

Apparently, one can't have homeopathic stuff while on chemotherapy since they don't know how things will interact. I get that. However, I've also read that one should avoid green tea and soy products. I don't mind avoiding some soy, but some of my favorite tea is green tea (mmm, jasmine green tea!) and I don't really want to have to avoid it. I suppose if I can drink other teas it might be ok, but wouldn't herbal tea fall under 'homeopathic stuff'? If I can't drink herbal tea or green tea, what can I drink? I need my tea, people, especially if I get those mouth sores!

FEAR: My cat(s).

Most of you probably know that my cat Maggie is pretty sick. She also has breast cancer, but she doesn't get the fancy treatments that I do. She's still doing ok, but she has a very large tumor on her belly that is/has been infected and is quite smelly. I called the vet (and am waiting to hear back) about getting her groomed and professionally bathed to see if it might help, but I don't know how long she'll be staying around. Right now, with her, I'm just taking things day by day. Jack is being pretty wonderful about it all and he's being very protective of both me and her. I don't know how I'll manage if I have to go through this and then she leaves somewhere during it.

FEAR: What if I get sick?

I already had the flu shots (yes, both of them...ick!) but I know that my white blood count will be lower due to all of this. What if I get colds? If I can't take homeopathic remedies or OTC stuff, how can I get relief from the symptoms? Even 'natural' remedies are considered homeopathic, no?

FEAR: What if I end up infertile?

According to the medical oncologist, there is a 20-25% chance that I will lose my fertility. According to the fertility doctor, a frozen egg only has a 35% chance of becoming a baby. That's not a big enough margin for me to be willing to spend thousands of dollars on this and keeping eggs frozen for what could be years. I would rather spend that money when I KNOW I want kids and then help pay for my sisters so they can donate an egg (as they have so generously offered to do for me). Now, according to the oncologist, I still have a 75-80% chance of remaining fertile, but one never knows. However, I'm rather miffed at having all of this when I don't have any sort of romantic partner on the horizon. I don't even know if I want kids, but I want the option.

FEAR: What if I go through all of this and it comes back?

What if, despite all of this, it comes back?

I know there are other fears but those are the ones weighing pretty heavily on my mind right now.

Oh, so I forgot to mention --

At a luncheon at work, the Admin Assistant to the President came up to me -- I hadn't said anything to her...curious -- and she said all sorts of things like, 'You'll get through this, you'll be fine...you're strong' yadda yadda yadda. She then said to me. 'Oh, you should get your chemo on Thursday so that you don't miss too much work'.

I'm sorry...what? Who are you to tell me when to get the treatments? My supervisor knows and has said to do whatever I need to do and they will work around my schedule.

So take that!

Finally...putting some thoughts down.

So...I've wanted to write things about all of this, but I didn't want to put it on LiveJournal because I haven't told everyone there and I didn't want to make a big announcement. It's why I haven't said anything on Facebook yet either...nor will I. People will know soon enough, I suppose.

So. This sucks. I'm really furious in general...mostly that I'm going to have to go through all of this mess. I'm still sore, I think one of the incisions may be irritated...and I am so sick of visiting doctors. I don't want to have to go through chemotherapy and lose my hair and feel sick. I didn't want to have to get any of the flu shots (I did...got both of them...). I don't like the pity that I'm getting from people.

THIS DOES NOT DEFINE ME!!!!!

I am not this disease. I don't want to be defined by it. I don't want this to affect my singing.

I have a longer appointment with the Medical Oncologist on the 29th where I'm sure we'll go over more specifics, especially the schedule. I am praying that they can start after February 20th. I've been writing down questions I've been thinking of over the past few weeks...questions that I couldn't think of at the first, 'informational' meeting. I also have an appointment on the 30th to go for some wig consultations. My mom wants me to get a short-hair wig...and I have insisted on getting one with long hair...I need one I can style due to the shows I do. Once I know the schedule for the chemo, I will then schedule the appointment where my hair gets chopped off. I should have enough length to donate.

Then, on Jan. 4th I have an appointment at Dana Farber for a second opinion. Later that day, I have an appointment with the Radiation Oncologist.

I haven't been sleeping well...I haven't been eating all that well (although I'm trying. The stress has made me somewhat nauseous). I'm trying to knit and sing...and focus on my poor, sick, smelly kitty.

What else? I don't know, really. But if you're reading this, then you're one of the ones I've told. Please don't tell anyone else without checking with me first. Like I said, I don't want people to start defining me by this.

I've tagged a couple of yarn patterns for hats that I plan on making -- I have yarn for most of them.

I have a lot of fears...not about getting through this, because I know that I will. My fears are that I'll be fired from the shows that I'm doing...and I don't want to be! I WILL do these shows...and I WILL do well! It's one of the main reasons why I'm going to beg them not to start the chemotherapy until after February 20th...because I'll have time between shows, especially since the next only rehearses once a week until closer to opening (or so I was told). Really, that's my biggest fear. There's also the fear of...well, I can barely get dates now, who is going to want to date me when I have no hair? What if I gain weight? It's vanity, I know, but I can't help it. What if Maggie can't hold on for too much longer? What if I lose my fertility? Not that I know if I want kids yet, but I want the option! (Although this has been discussed at length, including a very frightening appointment at a fertility clinic.) What if I look like an alien without any hair? What if I feel really crappy?

No wonder my stomach isn't very happy with me right now...and no wonder I'm exhausted. I'm so very stressed out!

But...so that's the emotional part.

Here's the technical stuff: Diagnosis after the Lumpectomy: 1.3cm tumor, Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, Stage 1, Grade 3, ER negative, PR negative, Her2 equivocal (they are still doing more testing on this one), clean margins, no lymph node involvement.

That's what we know so far. I'm sure we'll know more on the 29th, when I am also going in for genetic testing to see if I have any predisposition to any other cancers so we can blast those too.