Regaining Control

I don't know if anyone is still reading this...I guess most of the journey has sort of levelled out now that I'm 3 1/2 years out. The 3 year anniversary of the end of Chemo passed me by without a thought as did the 2 year anniversary of the end of Herceptin. I still have a moment of panic whenever I feel any sort of twinge or bit of pain in either breast, but I figure that with the many appointments I still have, if something was funky, someone would notice. The mammogram would catch it...or the blood work...or the doctor. In Therapy, we've barely touched on my self-image issues. We've mostly been focusing on my job and organization issues which are discussed in a not-yet-shared blog. We briefly chatted about the self-image and dating issues a couple of sessions ago, but a lot of the issue revolves around my hair. I think that the stress that I currently have isn't helping matters any but my hair isn't what it was before the chemo. I think I'm one of the 'unlucky' ones whose hair came back thinner than before. I tried to keep it long, but it's not making me happy. So, after the session where we talked about it, I heard, on Facebook, about a stylist in Jamaica Plain who was apparently great with curly hair...so I made an appointment. It isn't until the end of the month, but at this point, I'm so fed up with feeling this way that I just want to do SOMETHING. Maybe I'm hoping that the haircut will be all it takes to make me feel better about myself. Maybe I'm putting too much power of my self-image in my hair. That could also be a problem because what if I don't feel better about things? The plan is to go in, prepared with pictures of shorter cuts, and say 'Do what you need to do to make it look nice. If you cut it short, please leave enough for curl.' What happens will happen. But, in 2 1/2 years, my hair hasn't grown much past my shoulders and that makes me sad. But the reason for the title is this: I went in for my checkup in March and was talking to one of the Oncology nurses there and it came up that I wasn't happy with my hair and that I was considering cutting it short again. The nurse looked at me and said, and I'm paraphrasing, 'When you lost your hair before, it wasn't something you can control. But when you cut your hair now, it's all in your control.' I feel like so little is within my control right now, that it's one thing I can grasp on to. I'm actually kind of looking forward to it. My hair will be short-er, definitely. Whether it will be short is uncertain, but I am going to go in there, tell the stylist what is going on, and leave it in her hopefully trustworthy hands. I've even contacted a headshot photographer in case I need to get new headshots. The trek is annoying, but it's not going into NYC and I get two digital files with the very affordable cost...and his work was nice. We'll see. Maybe that's all it will take for me to start feeling better about myself...although I think having a new job that actually wants me there and utilizes my skills other than my ability to open mail and my awareness of the alphabet would also help a great deal. But I'm trying to regain control.

Interesting revelations...

At least, in regards to my singing. So, I have to present a couple of pieces this weekend for some composers. We were told to choose pieces we felt showed us off best. I couldn't decide between four pieces so I sent a potential 'Two of these four' and will decide probably the day of or something. I also brought these pieces into my voice lesson yesterday. I sang through the first piece and then the second...and then my teacher said 'What are you trying to tell them about yourself through these pieces? What makes you, as a singer, special?' I paused. I had no immediate answer. I finally said 'I know what I -don't- want to show' and so we started there. I didn't want to show a sustained, high tessitura -- when composers know you have high notes, they tend to write music in the stratosphere and I don't like singing there. I didn't want to show that I only had high notes. Interestingly enough, my teacher said 'That's just what this one, particular piece is showing. I finally figured out what I -did- want to show...and it had nothing to do with my vocalism. I wanted to show: I am a strong actress I am willing to take risks. I am musical and intelligent I am imaginative and quirky None of this has to actually do with my voice. It's about what I have to say. This was...amazingly revelatory for me. I guess I never thought about 'having something to say' as being things like this. Why does it always take me so long to figure these things out? Why couldn't I have done it 10 years ago when I would have had a chance of being more...desired for performances? Better late than never, I suppose. But now, I have Something To Say!

No idea if this is related...

...or if it's due to the 'forbidden' Parmesan cheese I had the other day or some very frustrating social issues that cropped up recently, but I feel terrible. Small, worthless, depressed. I just had a checkup with my GP and she seemed to think everything was fine. I mentioned my sleep issues and her answer was, 'Well, you can try these supplements but basically you just need to force yourself to get up earlier.' Great. But that's not really why I'm feeling this. I don't really know why, but this loss of confidence is stronger than it's been in a while. Maybe it's just everything together. Back when I was about 11 or 12...early Middle School years, I spent time with a group of girls who were, in theory, my friends. I remember one sleepover in particular at one of the girls' house...I think her name was Rachel. I remember she and her family were Orthodox Jews and walked to Synagogue...they were the first like that that I remember knowing. So I was at this slumber party with a few other girls and I just remember that they separated themselves from me and started whispering and giggling whenever I looked over at them. To a 12 year old girl, that's devastating. It's one of those things that sticks with you and that's how I feel now, like that 12 year old girl who is being whispered and talked about behind her back and even right in front of her face. That girl comes out every now and then, especially when I'm with a group of women who...well, they would have been the popular girls. They're the ones who like wine and go out to fancy bars and schmooze with guys and wear designer clothes. They have boyfriends or husbands and like cosmopolitans...they're my generation's 'Ladies who Lunch' and I'm just not like that. I have a messy apartment and like eclectic things and wear comic-book t-shirts and collect dragons. Yet sometimes I'm forced to spend time with them due to singing things...and I often try to force myself to socialize, but then they end up talking about things I don't know of care about and I fall silent. I'm back being that 12 year old girl. Due to this, I like to think that I'm fairly sensitive to hurting others' feelings -- as in, I don't want to hurt them! Then, when I'm told that I did, somehow, even though I never would mean to hurt anyone's feelings, I feel absolutely horrible. The other person had incorrect information and obviously didn't believe me when I swore that I never said what I was accused of saying, and while they said they were willing to move on, I don't think they are. So I'm trying to keep my distance...but it doesn't stop me from feeling terrible. I feel like a waste of space right now. I have no real purpose. I have a dead-end job, my singing is going nowhere, and my apartment is a mess to the point where I don't even know where to start in making it clean. Only my cats seem to really care if I'm around and that's mostly to feed them. I don't like this.

It's been a while...

...and I don't know if anyone is still reading. Sometimes, though, I want to say things that I don't want to share with the 500+ 'friends' on Facebook or the few who really never comment on LiveJournal. It's still related to this journey so I think it's only fitting to post it here.

I never found a therapist. I tried calling about 4 different ones and none were really willing to help me. While one blatantly told me 'It's normal and it'll go away', it still wasn't helping me. When things are chemically wonky in the brain and I'm going through a form of PTSD, telling me 'It's all ok' really doesn't do much. The good thing is, eventually, a lot of it -did- go away. I'm far less anxious and feel much more even now.

I only need mammograms every year now. I will still be checking in with various doctors every 3 months and getting blood tests for markers every 6 months, but it's a good thing.

The weird thing, though, is that every twinge or ache or bout of heartburn or stomach upset or headache or, really, anything has me jumping to 'What if it's back?' I know that's 'normal' too, but I don't like it. I have trouble getting to sleep at night and then trouble waking up in the morning. It's getting better if I go to bed before midnight and read a little, but it's still not easy. Then I get anxious over the cats...I guess this is why I'm writing all of this here. It's in place of the therapy I'm not able to find.

I have doctor appointments in March and I will be telling them that I worry about every twinge and ache and that I have a hard time both getting to sleep and waking up. We'll see what they say about that.

Decided to celebrate quietly...

Yesterday was my 1 year 'End-iversary' in which I had my final chemotherapy treatment. I thought about doing something and saying something, but I decided that if I acknowledged everything, I'd be...well, there would be a lot of that in a 6 month stretch. So I let it pass quietly as I pondered things walking back from the T on my way home from work (I'm trying to drive in less often. It means my commute is over twice as long, but it's greener and it's making me get out and about a little more). I will try to buy a cupcake or two this evening on my way home as it's 'Boston Bakes for Breast Cancer' week and Kickass Cupcakes may (or may not) have their chosen flavor for this in gluten free. I suppose I should probably call. Still, $3 is fine to celebrate this in a small way.

After this, there are no BC milestones until December...aside from my 'every 6 month' checkup and mammogram. It is getting easier to not think about it all though...but it means that other thoughts are coming to the forefront and those are the thoughts that might even be more debilitating (as mentioned in previous posts).

But yay...happy End-iversary to me!

Rough weekend...

So, I had a bit of a rough weekend...there were some very nice parts of it, but also some really difficult parts.

On Saturday I took the cats to the vet for their annual checkup and so that the vet could meet Chachi. Chachi was very obedient and good and calm until they got to clipping his claws and then they brought in a vet tech to help hold him. He has ear gook so now I have to give him ear drops and clean out his ears twice a day, ick. Jack, on the other hand, was growling and hissing the entire time and the vet and vet tech had to don welding gloves and get a towel in order to get his vaccines and clip his claws -- the vet didn't really even get a chance to weigh him or look at his teeth :(. We weighed him in the carrier and he was about 15 lbs in that...and I looked up and saw that the carrier weighed 3 lbs so he lost a little weight. He was chubby so he needed to lose a little. I felt so bad, but was assured that he wasn't the worst they had seen nor was he the worst that they would see that day. It is yet another reason why I am taking them to a cat-only vet!

Saturday afternoon, Ed and I went to the Gore Place Sheepshearing festival where I helped out with a Local Yarn Store's booth and walked around. I ended up buying some fudge and some more yarn...shame on me, I know, but it's for a specific project, I swear!! I even have the buttons for it!

Sunday was really the tough day. I woke up and read an email from a local voice teacher I had contacted about a consultation. She emailed that she was very sorry, but her private studio was so full that she couldn't even squeeze in a consultation. Couple that with the fact that my current teacher has decided not to continue teaching in Boston, I was feeling kind of screwed. Later that day, I was going into Boston to a concert and figured I'd get there early, park, and go into the Conservatory to practice. I should have checked in advance to see if there was a Red Sox game...and there was. That meant no parking. Of course, in my already screwed up thoughts, it was just the straw breaking the camel's back -- I couldn't find a voice teacher and I couldn't even practice. Was this the universe telling me to give up singing? If I didn't have that, what good would I be? I think it was the most depressed and hopeless I've felt in a very, very long time if ever. I could almost understand how people could have suicidal thoughts. Again, I know it's part of the PTSD going on, but I can't even find a therapist who is able to meet with me!

I mean, really...what is Fate trying to do here? Am I not messed up enough?

I made it to the concert and put on a brave face and enjoyed myself. Going back home was hard but I had TV shows to distract me until it was time to go to bed. I did get to practice yesterday and I did feel better after that, but it's still not easy. I know that there's a way to get these Thought Vampires out of my head or at least mute them, but I can't do it myself and I can't find someone to talk to about it. I feel very stymied by things out of my control and I don't know how I can take control back.

Research Studies...

...can be interesting things. When I went for my second opinion at Dana Farber, I was asked if I wanted to participate in a Research Study that would be focusing on Young Women with Breast Cancer. I agreed and have done some rather long surveys and sent in some blood samples as they've requested.

Earlier this month, I went to a Forum for young women under 45 who went through this to discuss some issues. I found out that it was because some Researchers were trying to put together some information for those who are younger and have to go through all of this. There's a lot of support and information if you're a woman in your 60's and such, but not so much (if any) if you're under 40. We have different issues. Many of us have not yet started families.

I met some great people that night (and I'm still in touch with one of them) and there were a couple of issues...one woman was VERY angry at EVERYTHING but...yeah.

Anyways, I got an email from the group telling me that there's going to be a Conference in Quincy at the beginning of June to discuss some of these issues and have panels and all. Do I want to go? HELL YES! I just have to wait and see if I need to go out of town that weekend or not. The thing is, I might not know until right at the registration deadline! Erk! But for $25, it seems like a great way to spend the day as apparently a lot of the panels and discussion groups will be covering some of the issues I really want to discuss somewhere.

I just hope that I find out whether or not I'm going out of town that weekend before May 20th!